u/Bmann216

AITA for cutting off my childhood best friend after he hid a relationship with my ex from me?

I (mid 30s M) have a childhood best friend, “Tony,” who was basically my brother growing up. We became friends right before high school, and over time my family pretty much adopted him into the family. He was around for everything and was treated like one of us.

I’m now happily married to my husband “Ed,” and we’ve been together for 13 years. Tony has also been with his fiancée “Mary” since high school.

Before I met my husband, I dated my ex-girlfriend “Lisa” for almost a year. We ended things because there were a lot of issues in the relationship, but the biggest one was that I realized I was attracted to men and was still deeply in the closet at the time. On top of that, she had a lot of toxic behaviors and red flags that made the relationship unhealthy for me.

One issue that constantly caused problems was that she smoked marijuana heavily every single day. I don’t judge people for smoking, but I have asthma, and smoke—whether cigarettes or weed—seriously triggers it. She knew this and didn’t really care, which made me feel dismissed and unimportant. Eventually I ended the relationship and we both moved on.

A while before Tony got with Mary, he briefly dated Lisa too, but it didn’t last long. Eventually he and Mary got together, built a life, and had kids.

Fast forward several years and the four of us became extremely close. Tony and Mary were constantly at our house. We spent holidays together, went out together, did group activities, and honestly just felt like family. During the time I came out and my family initially struggled to accept me being with my husband, Tony was one of the few people I leaned on heavily emotionally besides Ed. That’s part of why this hurt so much.

In May 2022, we were all at a family birthday party when I noticed Tony and Mary acting very strange with each other. They were whispering, giving each other looks, hiding their phones whenever Ed or I walked near them, etc.

At one point Mary left her phone open on social media messaging. I was NOT snooping through her phone, but the screen was literally open and visible. I saw a group chat between Tony, Mary, and my ex Lisa exchanging sexual messages.

I confronted Mary privately first and she immediately grabbed her phone, denied everything, and avoided the conversation. Then I confronted Tony, and he acted clueless and denied it too. Since we were at a family party, I didn’t want to make a huge scene, so I dropped it for the moment. But the entire night became awkward and uncomfortable.

After that, they slowly stopped hanging around as much.

Two months later on Father’s Day, everything finally came out publicly. Mary announced she was bisexual and that she and Tony were in a throuple relationship. They still didn’t say with who, but my husband later showed me a Facebook post from Lisa openly talking about being in a relationship with two people. Someone in the comments asked if the initials matched Tony and Mary’s, and she confirmed it.

What hurt me wasn’t the fact they were together with my ex. I genuinely don’t care that they had a relationship with her. Adults can date who they want. What destroyed me was the lying, sneaking around, denial, and making me feel crazy when I confronted them directly.

These were people I considered family. If they had just been honest from the beginning, I probably would’ve accepted it and moved on. Instead they lied straight to my face repeatedly.

A few days later I confronted both of them again and asked why they lied. Their excuse was basically “we didn’t know how to tell you” and “we didn’t have the courage.” To me, that felt weak and disrespectful considering how close we all were. I also never really got what I considered a genuine apology for hiding it.

I ended up cutting both of them off completely after that.

Over time, things changed. After four years, their relationship with Lisa ended messily for personal reasons I won’t get into. Eventually Tony and I slowly reconciled and rebuilt parts of our friendship, and now we spend time together again like we used to. My relationship with my family also healed over the years, and now they absolutely adore my husband.

Still, part of me wonders if I overreacted by cutting them off back then.

AITA?

AITA for cutting off my childhood best friend after he hid a relationship with my ex from me?

I (mid 30s M) have a childhood best friend, “Tony,” who was basically my brother growing up. We became friends right before high school, and over time my family pretty much adopted him into the family. He was around for everything and was treated like one of us.

I’m now happily married to my husband “Ed,” and we’ve been together for 13 years. Tony has also been with his fiancée “Mary” since high school.

Before I met my husband, I dated my ex-girlfriend “Lisa” for almost a year. We ended things because there were a lot of issues in the relationship, but the biggest one was that I realized I was attracted to men and was still deeply in the closet at the time. On top of that, she had a lot of toxic behaviors and red flags that made the relationship unhealthy for me.

One issue that constantly caused problems was that she smoked marijuana heavily every single day. I don’t judge people for smoking, but I have asthma, and smoke—whether cigarettes or weed—seriously triggers it. She knew this and didn’t really care, which made me feel dismissed and unimportant. Eventually I ended the relationship and we both moved on.

A while before Tony got with Mary, he briefly dated Lisa too, but it didn’t last long. Eventually he and Mary got together, built a life, and had kids.

Fast forward several years and the four of us became extremely close. Tony and Mary were constantly at our house. We spent holidays together, went out together, did group activities, and honestly just felt like family. During the time I came out and my family initially struggled to accept me being with my husband, Tony was one of the few people I leaned on heavily emotionally besides Ed. That’s part of why this hurt so much.

In May 2022, we were all at a family birthday party when I noticed Tony and Mary acting very strange with each other. They were whispering, giving each other looks, hiding their phones whenever Ed or I walked near them, etc.

At one point Mary left her phone open on social media messaging. I was NOT snooping through her phone, but the screen was literally open and visible. I saw a group chat between Tony, Mary, and my ex Lisa exchanging sexual messages.

I confronted Mary privately first and she immediately grabbed her phone, denied everything, and avoided the conversation. Then I confronted Tony, and he acted clueless and denied it too. Since we were at a family party, I didn’t want to make a huge scene, so I dropped it for the moment. But the entire night became awkward and uncomfortable.

After that, they slowly stopped hanging around as much.

Two months later on Father’s Day, everything finally came out publicly. Mary announced she was bisexual and that she and Tony were in a throuple relationship. They still didn’t say with who, but my husband later showed me a Facebook post from Lisa openly talking about being in a relationship with two people. Someone in the comments asked if the initials matched Tony and Mary’s, and she confirmed it.

What hurt me wasn’t the fact they were together with my ex. I genuinely don’t care that they had a relationship with her. Adults can date who they want. What destroyed me was the lying, sneaking around, denial, and making me feel crazy when I confronted them directly.

These were people I considered family. If they had just been honest from the beginning, I probably would’ve accepted it and moved on. Instead they lied straight to my face repeatedly.

A few days later I confronted both of them again and asked why they lied. Their excuse was basically “we didn’t know how to tell you” and “we didn’t have the courage.” To me, that felt weak and disrespectful considering how close we all were. I also never really got what I considered a genuine apology for hiding it.

I ended up cutting both of them off completely after that.

Over time, things changed. After four years, their relationship with Lisa ended messily for personal reasons I won’t get into. Eventually Tony and I slowly reconciled and rebuilt parts of our friendship, and now we spend time together again like we used to. My relationship with my family also healed over the years, and now they absolutely adore my husband.

Still, part of me wonders if I overreacted by cutting them off back then.

AITA?