Sometimes I don't feel "sick" enough
I have the discouraged subtype of BPD, and I often feel like i'm not sick enough to be apart of these communities. I'm high functioning, I have two jobs and friends, and it feels like I have it too easy, like maybe I've just been faking this whole time. I know I'm unwell; I still (tw harmful behaviors) >!self-harm, smoke way too much weed, and heavily isolate myself. I have worked really hard to manager my outwards anger, but I sometimes still lash out at my loved ones. !<But those actions aren't ruining my whole life, they're just ruining me. If I never changed anything and never tried to make myself feel better, i would have a perfectly "fine" life. No one would have to know how terrible i feel all the time, or that I have done terrible things, and continue to do hurtful things to myself. The only thing wrong in my world is me, and my inability to just be better.
I struggle a lot with being disconnected/dissociated from my life, and maybe if I could feel my feelings I might be acting more "classically" BPD. Or maybe if I could feel them, i might be able to figure out why I feel so awful. I desperately want to get better because I've spent my whole life either being in emotional hell or being completely numb... but there's a big part of me that knows if I felt my feelings, actually felt them and dealt with them, my world would collapse. I have negative behaviors to keep myself numb because I know that I would ruin my whole life if i could actually feel my emotions. I keep them inside because if i don't, I'd destroy everything I have out of spite or anger.
Still. When I look at myself how others do, I feel like a fraud. There is nothing glaringly wrong with me, and it truly feels like I've just made up all of my symptoms. I just started DBT a few months ago, but I feel like I'm not a good candidate for it anymore. I go and talk about the problems in my life, but none of the coping skills seem to apply to whatever is wrong with me. Whenever my therapist gives me a new one to try out, nothing happens in my life that prompts me to use it. I'm not in group yet, but I know I won't be good at it. I don't do anything or go anywhere, and when I do nothing happens that is of-note. How can I practice the skills if nothing ever happens?
I just feel miserable and I think it's my fault. Even after four years of therapy, even though I've been on medications since I was 14, even after I have a life that others would be more than content to live, I'm still broken and unhappy. I hate that I can't be better.