u/Bookshelf_trophies

I am one week post TFRM and all I can think about is when I can try again. I obsess over when my period will return, when I will ovulate again, when I could possibly get a positive test, how long it will take, milestones, etc. Then I immediately get overwhelmingly anxious about how horrible the wait will be from the positive test to the NIPT and how I won’t have a moment of peace even beyond that and it all makes me so sad/angry.

I want to start tracking my ovulation with OPKs just to see if I am ovulating again but I don’t know if my body will still be producing low levels of HCG that will throw it off. I have continued taking my prenatal and folic acid supplements but wondering if I should add CoQ10 for me and my husband. I obsess over how much we both drink (me not at all, him moderate), if his showers are too hot, what we’re eating, if we’re being active enough. I obsess over him going out of town two months from now when I think maybe I could possibly be ovulating. I look up due dates based on possible conception windows, try to figure out when I could get the NIPT done, etc. Try to picture myself pregnant at different milestones from my lost pregnancy (her due date, Thanksgiving and Christmas). It’s exhausting and absolutely consumes me. I don’t know what to do or how to stop. I just feel like I won’t heal and my husband and five year old who is processing the loss of her little sister will not heal until we have a healthy baby. And I also feel like no one understands the extent of this grief and obsession. It’s all I think about.

My TFMR is scheduled for Monday and I’m finding the wait unbearable. I have been praying for God to take it out of my hands, and start bleeding or I wish I could know that when they start the procedure she’s already gone. I wish they would just lie to me and tell me that.

Every tv show or movie or book I try to read to distract myself has a baby or a pregnancy in it. My friends and most of my family don’t know what is happening yet so people text me things about the baby and I have to act normal. Mother’s Day is Sunday and I just wish it could be over with by then. I feel like a ticking time bomb and that my grief and anger is going to come exploding out of a barely-there composure.

I have two other children, and I don’t know what I would do without them, I really don’t. They are young, so they keep me moving and force my head out of the dark for most of the day, but my daughter (who is five and has been told her baby sister is in heaven) keeps asking me if we will have another baby and when. I know she is as anxious for the future and the idea of hope and moving on as I am but the questions feel like a gut punch when the baby is still technically with us.

I find that reading stories about healthy pregnancies and babies after TFMR is helpful, and heart wrenching. It fills me with both hope and anxiety but the guilt of trying to look ahead when we are in this waiting period is almost unbearable.

Sharing a bit of my story so far with a question at the end on TFMR preparation.

Five days ago we received our NIPT results with abnormal T18 findings. I’m 11 weeks pregnant at 32 and have two healthy older children. This was a complete shock, and with a PPV of 25%, I still had a sliver of hope. However, at my MFM appointment, the detailed ultrasound showed a cystic hygroma, single umbilical artery, abnormal upper extremities, and measuring a whole week behind schedule (already had an adjusted due date from my first ultrasound due to slow growth). The doctor and genetic counselor both said they felt this was more than enough to confirm the T18 but I agreed to try to perform the CVS anyway for diagnosis.

The CVS was awful, they tried vaginally, which was uncomfortable but bearable although I felt sharp pinching and she explained that my cervix is curved and uterus is tilted back and due to the angles, she could not perform it vaginally but felt she could abdominally. She they tried that, and it was so much worse. She had to try four different entry points and I was in unending pain. She was not successful and as soon as the needle came out I burst onto a cold sweat and blacked out, coming to hyperventilating and sobbing. I told them I thought I had enough information and wanted to talk about termination but she said they won’t schedule it there without confirmation from the CVS and I could try Planned Parenthood.

They advised that I return in three days for another attempt which I did schedule but after speaking to my primary OB, I feel like I have more than enough information to TFMR. She was very compassionate and supportive and helped me get the process started to schedule a D&E on Monday in a hospital setting.

My question now is please give me advice on recovery- specifically what supplies I can buy in advance to help the day of and in the days after.

I just got my MaterniT21 Plus results back today with a positive value on trisomy 18 and I am alternating between numb and distraught. I had my blood drawn at 9+6w and have a fetal fraction of 10% with a PPV of 25.9%. I’m 32, two other healthy children. I did have early spotting and bleeding this pregnancy with a confirmed sub-chorionic hematoma (SCH). Because of this I have had several ultrasounds and baby was measuring slightly behind so they moved my due date back by 4 days, but I also know I ovulated late. At the 7 week ultrasound the heart rate was 119 and at the 9 week it was 170 bpm.

It’s a Saturday so I got the results on my labcorp portal and have not been able to talk to my doctor and probably won’t until Monday.

I have some questions.

1. How fast will they get me seen by a genetic counselor?
2. What is my likely next step(s) and when?
3. Why is my PPV 25.9%? What does that mean and how would MaterniT21 come up with that?
4. Does my fetal fraction matter or number of weeks?
5. Does the heart rate or moved due date or SCH factor in?
6. My husband wants to remain cautiously hopeful but I don’t know if I can keep my hopes up. I’m very close to thinking of this baby as already gone. Is that the right approach? How do I mentally prepare myself?
7. Any suggestions on what to tell family members who know we are pregnant?
8. Any suggestions on what to tell my five year daughter who is old enough to understand that mommy has another baby in her tummy and talks about it every single day with me? She is so happy and I am so afraid of breaking her heart.

Thank you for all hopeful and realistic stories, even if sad. I will be glued to this app for the foreseeable future.