I [21F]am autistic and getting drained by bf (24)
Okay, not drained but, it is extremely difficult managing a relationship and life at once, at least right now in my life.
Bringing anyone around my family has always been extremely difficult, probably due to me being for the most part emotionally distant from them (as well as physical distance as I just finished up with school in another town)
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now and he’s never met my dad ( I just told my dad today he existed) and he’s met my mom once. I am also going though a period of my life where I have come to a lot of realizations about my family in general so I myself am not around them. But this is something that is important to my boyfriend and I care about that and want him to feel he it’s important because he is.
He has graduated and is literally working at Goldman Sachs, and is about to buy a bmw. I barely scrap by, work two jobs, just sort of finished school, and pay rent and haven’t had the money to buy and sustain a car. I feel so behind in comparison to him and it makes me insecure.
His family is picture perfect and in my head a perfect normal happy family, mine is the complete opposite and I genuinely get so drained after spending a weekend around him and his family (he lives at home for now) SO DRAINED that I genuinely feel incredibly exhausted when I come back home.
Navigating this relationship as my first real one has been incredibly hard, I constantly think about every little detail and spend time in my head doing so. Especially around his family and if makes me feel so terrible ! I want to feel like a genuine person but I feel like each move and word that occurs is not genuine coming from me. I feel so fake.
I really am a goofy person, or people think so because when I’m not “masking” I move around a lot, say the first things that pop into my head, and am great at conversation because I ask great questions and can converse about anything I see, but that’s only when I feel comfortable, otherwise when let’s say I am around his family I feel they are analyzing me and I shut down, I often feel I am completely still and maybe smiling too much. Everyone I meet tells me they like me and I have never had animosity with anyone but my behavior is …. Planned and fake. I just feel like a fake person. I feel like a fake girlfriend.
I get down on myself and wonder if I am capable of a relationship because of this, and honestly it’s been holding me back I have been utterly distracted.