u/BowZeClara

Hi everyone, long-time lurker here. I'm (29F) been with my boyfriend (43M) for almost two years (July marks it). We live together in NYC. He's handsome, smart, well-spoken, and actively job hunting, but super picky about roles, so he's been rejected from many interviews and relies on family help right now.

He says I'm the love of his life, the only one for him, talks about growing old together and having a family someday. But he avoids any wedding talk, no timeline, no ring hints. I drop subtle stuff like wedding dresses or songs, and he diverts. I don't want to be the one pushing, but at 29, I want marriage and kids soon, not to wait forever.

Feeling so anxious. Advice??

I (28F) am having ongoing issues with my boyfriend’s (42M) mom (78F), and I’m not sure if I’m the problem here.

Last summer, my boyfriend and I stayed in his parents’ apartment while they were at their summer house. While we were there, a few nights were cold and he told me I could wear his mom’s sweaters. I also asked him if I could use some of her makeup (like mascara), and he said yes.

Before they came back, I stayed up all night cleaning because I wanted everything to be perfect. I deep-cleaned the kitchen, re-organized things, and made sure the apartment looked nice. My boyfriend had left some mess (boxes, dirty counters), so I took care of it.

When his mom came back, she was upset. She noticed her sweaters weren’t exactly where she left them, accused me of using her makeup (including things I didn’t touch), and seemed suspicious and said it was “odd” that I had reorganized parts of the kitchen.

A month or so later, I went through something really difficult. I had an abortion earlier in the year. My boyfriend and I love each other, but he didn’t have the financial support for us to have a family yet. It has pained me. He has been technically unemployed for a year now and receives help from his family. He’s extremely smart and presents himself well, he’s good looking, etc.. He can’t seem to land any job and only applies for very specific roles. He knows I’m “the one” but there’s no plan right now. I didn’t handle the grief from the abortion well at all and ended up engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors that I never had before. I shoplifted (petty things) three times and was arrested each one. The third time, my boyfriend and I were supposed to fly out that night to see my family, and I panicked and lied to him, saying I fainted and was in the hospital. I actually spent the night in jail. He later found out and was understandably really shaken. He, however, was with his family and told them everything. I felt exposed and unprotected.

A few months later, he sat down and told his mother that we had an abortion. We hadn’t told anyone and he encouraged that. Until the third arrest, he was the only one who knew. My boyfriend spoke to her and even explained the abortion and what I was going through at the time, but she didn’t seem sympathetic. She kept bringing up the sweaters, makeup, and kitchen, and said she doesn’t understand how grief could lead to shoplifting.

Since then, I’ve taken accountability. I started therapy, completed community service, and the charges were dropped. I haven’t had any issues since and have been actively working on myself. I am honest to a fault sometimes and this wasn’t my character, it was a result of the deep pain I was experiencing from making an impossible choice.

However, my boyfriend told his parents everything, and now his mom believes I must have stolen from their apartment that summer. I was incredibly respectful of them and their space and went overboard with the cleaning, etc. which I was then punished for. I would never take anything from his family. She’s been talking negatively about me to him. We haven’t spent holidays together since my arrest, and there’s been only distance. We used to see his family almost too much, and I haven’t seen them since September.

I recently reached out to her with a very humble letter going into detail about my experience and journey healing, and held myself accountable for my behaviors to try to mend things, but she didn’t respond. At this point, I feel like I’ve owned my mistakes and worked hard to grow, but I’m still being judged for both things that did and didn’t happen. My boyfriend says she’ll come around eventually. He’s also said our families don’t have to like us. He’s absolutely sure I’m the only one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

AITAH for expecting her to move on and give me another chance?