Well, it happened again. Last night, I connected with someone, we talked for hours, and I'm having the best time. I wake up this morning, excited to continue talking and...
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Oh. Awesome. Ghosted again. Tried to open up to someone, make a new friend only for it to blow up in my face.
I don't know why I even try anymore.
You ever feel like you're consistently in the way, despite what others may tell you? Like you feel as though you're getting on their nerves just by existing? Yeah, that's me in a nutshell. I'm finding it harder and harder to connect with others, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I don't want to try, then the loneliness *really* sets in. It's so exhausting.
I'm tired of being an annoyance to my family, I'm tired of being unable to make friends, I'm tired of existing. Why is it so hard to talk to other people; I get stuck inside my own head and I wind up scaring them away.
I'm just so, so tired. Sometimes I do think it'd be better if I wasn't around anymore. I don't know.
I'm alone with my thoughts again, and man are they loud. I hope I can at least get one good night's sleep, but I don't feel so lucky. I'm just mentally drained and crying off and on.
It's been almost two weeks since my mom went to the hospital. I don't even know what day it is anymore. I just spend my time mindlessly watching YouTube, usually the same videos. I've never felt more alone in my life. I'm tired of the nightmares of when I had to call for help for her, seeing her on the floor unable to get up. I just toss and turn every night, I'm crying more often, and I'm physically and mentally exhausted. All I want is for someone to tell me when this is going to end, because I feel like I'm falling apart.
And I'm still sitting here wide awake. Late nights are usually when I feel the most lonely, especially nowadays. My mom's in the hospital (nothing too serious), and I've been losing sleep worrying about her. I don't really have anyone I can lean on, seeing as that I don't have any friends. How pathetic. I'm a 34 year old man with no friends.
Probably because I've chased them away? I don't know.
Ah well, this is just me yelling out into the void. Maybe someone will yell back.