The Demons Who Fail first chapter [LGBTQ+ Crossover YA Dark Fantasy, 1000 words]
I appreciate you giving your time to an old dragon’s book. Few of us write about the deadly plague on humans and the witch hunt on demons that overlapped in 2021.
Call me Uncle. Four demon kids were eager to share their experiences of the Academy of Stupid Demons, depraved human companies, the COVID-19 pandemic, and better, and worse. A scholar, a salesman, a fraudster, and a death keeper.
Then you have me, living in quiet safety until I couldn't anymore.
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Part 1
Let's begin with Francine's story. She chose her deadname and pronouns for the beginning to show how she found herself. In some ways, she's still looking.
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Frankie woke up to the best morning he ever had in Hell. He had a quick breakfast of fertilized scrambled eggs, threw on his glasses, brushed his black hair, and then whistled through the neighborhood while flapping his tentacles with excitement. Even the devastatingly bright five-pointed star in the sky hadn't bothered him, nor the ever-present odor of trash planted in the soil, because today was the demon licensing test.
Most kids were scared to take the test, since failure means a thousand-year sentence to the Academy of Stupid Demons in Cafcado, Arizona. If only they studied more and played less, they might have Frankie’s confidence. He had studied every day for a century, learning as much as he could about Earth's arts, sciences, and obscure trivia. Here was his chance to finally worry only about starting work and preparing himself for any life he could want.
He met Golthard at the edge of the school. Golthard breathed heavily through both of his mouths. "I had another nightmare where I failed the test and red gorillas tore me to pieces."
Not an uncommon nightmare. The red gorillas of Hell are powerful enough to destroy any demon. They can smell failure, which is quite sweet and sometimes enough to provoke deep hunger, but their main targets are those who don't brush and floss on a regular basis. Due to their ferocity, they pair well with bad dreams.
Golthard added, “Worse, they all sounded like my dad."
Frankie put a comforting tentacle around Golthard's shoulders. "Buddy, buddy, you take too much care of your teeth for that to happen."
Golthard's seven green eyes were all bloodshot and weary. It seemed like he needed this pep talk before going to bed.
The two demons approached the back side of the school, a steel building with broken windows peering down on them and whispering unintelligible questions. The door spoke to them in a hiss. "Only one of you may enter at once, or else you both will face punishments you can't imagine."
Golthard started crying. "Okay, okay, I'll go first!"
Frankie was proud of his friend's courage. The crying demon had been terrified and yet he did not run. Frankie was not scared at all, but of course he was ready for anything.
In very little time, Golthard came back out. His seven green eyes were the happiest Frankie had ever seen. "I passed! I'm certified!"
Frankie wrapped his tentacles all around Golthard and jumped up and down with him. "You are! You are! I knew you could do it!"
"You got this, Frankie. You'll beat it right away!"
Frankie swaggered into a room covered in white tiles. At the center, three hanging lightbulbs formed a triangle around a rotten human head hanging from a chain. The Head looked at Frankie through empty eye sockets, and blood ran from its mouth to a drain in the floor as it spoke. "Are you prepared, child? Do you know the questions are randomized for each test?"
"Easy peasy!"
The Head slowly laughed. "On Earth, what sound does a dog make?"
"Woof."
"Good. And what is Earth's tallest mountain?"
"Everest."
"Now sing the Spanish version of 'Happy Birthday' without messing up even once."
As Frankie sang Feliz Cumpleaños, he felt disappointed. Why had he studied so hard?
At the end, the Head said, "Excellent. Now if you integrated the indefinite integral of x squared times the cosine of x, in terms of y, then derived that integral twice by y, what would the number be?"
In a tiny voice, Frankie said, "Could you please write that?"
"Certainly." The head lowered itself to the floor and used its bloated tongue to write the equation in blood.
Frankie knew multivariate calculus but he couldn't recall how to do integration by parts. Panic set in.
"One more minute."
Frankie had an epiphany. This was a trick question. He drew a triumphant breath. “x squared times the cosine of x!”
The Head paused and looked in Frankie's eyes, while Frankie grinned and waited for the certificate. The Head released the nastiest “bzzzt” of any buzzer that Frankie had ever heard, and a different paper grew out of its mouth. An admission to The Academy of Stupid Demons. A legal declaration of his stupidity. The Head said, "You have no choice but to study for one thousand years. Spend one week with the people you love and care about. You then must board the bus or we will hunt you down.”
Frankie's heart broke, having betrayed himself. One hundred years had been wasted for this day. Frankie left the testing center, with a sour stomach and wet eyes. Both of his tentacles trembled and squeezed the paper that called him stupid. It was only outside that he realized there was a second derivation. The correct answer was zero.
A red gorilla peered at Frankie from behind a nearby gas station (Circle 8), sniffed the air, and gave a satisfied sigh.
Golthard ran up and hugged him. "We did it! We did it!"
Frankie didn't have the strength to hug him back. "See you in a thousand years."
Golthard struggled to lift his limp friend, so he encouraged Frankie by saying, "Let's have some ice cream at my grandma's house. You earned it.”