Parents Disapprove of Relationship
I am a 24 year old Punjabi Sikh and I have been dating 26 year old Tamil Hindu guy for about 1.5 years (neither of us are religious). I come a very traditional and religious family, and my family and pretty active members in the Punjabi community.
When I first told my parents about him, they immediately said they would never support the relationship. I initially ended things because of that, but after realizing how much we loved each other, I chose to continue and promised him I would fight for us when the time came.
In the past few years, especially after I first brought him up to my parents they became more, almost controlling. I wouldn’t go out that often but when I would, I would come home and they would tell me I was out for too long, asking questions, and they also had my location, so constantly checking my location. It got the point that every time I would go out I would be anxious wondering what my parents are thinking and what they will say when I get home. We dated for about a year and then one day I told my parents because I couldn’t handle hiding it anyone because of my location sharing and being constantly anxious. They started crying loudly and saying I ruined their Izaat and that they are done for. My grandpa has also done a lot for the Punjabi community from where we are from and they told me I’m ruining his reputation, what will he think about his, he’s gonna have a heart attack. I heard it all. I tried to explain what kind of person he is and I want to have a relationship with them where I can be open with them and come to them and not have to hide.
The day after telling them they said they thought about it and that they would support me, but me and him both have to become independent, which I agreed to. However, the days following they continued to try to get me to reconsider and leave him because I’m going down the wrong path. Overall, although my mom also disapproved she seemed the handle it better, she would still see her friends and do normal day to day activities. On the other hand my dad is an emotional person and he completely shut down. He would barely leave the house, not talk to anyone properly, not want to do anything, couldn’t go to Sikh weddings because he said it was hard for him to watch, I wouldn’t hear him sigh every minute. One of my parents concerns was that I would loose my identity and not as close with them, so I made an effort to go places with them and spend as much time with them which was basically 24/7. However it started to effect me mentally because I was unemployed because I left my job a few months prior, I was literally stuck at home with my parents 24/7 trying to convince me to leave him, make me feel guilty and shame for a couple months. In the beginning my brother was also supportive but my parents started calling my brother and trying tin convince him to convince me, and at a point I think he got convinced. He said he still thinks they are being extreme and crazy but he also thinks the basis of my relationship would not be strong because my boyfriend will always remember and resent my parents because they didn’t accept him and that I should think about my family and their opinions as well.
One day my dad said he couldn’t handle it anymore and as my father he made the decision that I have to leave the relationship because they would never get me married to him. My dad said I don’t understand how you can see us dying everyday and be okay with it. I mentioned that they said really hurtful things to me in the past couple months that I will never forget, and my dad pointed to old family pictures and said what about these times. He was crying and said he’s okay if it ruins mine and his relationship but he could never see me take the other route (being with my bf). My plan was to tell my parents I left him to relieve the pressure and guilt but I wasn’t actually going to leave him. I told my parents I left him and they said I did the right thing and it’s for the best. I talked to my brother and he said I shouldn’t lie to my parents and break their trust and he tried to convince me that it would be best to break up w my bf. My friend also said maybe I shouldn’t hide it from my parents. I knew I couldn’t take the mental pressure by telling my parents I didn’t leave him and keep fighting so I made a very hard decision to break up. My dad asked for his number so he could explain to him that it won’t work, I gave him his number, I shouldn’t have but I also have a hard time saying no especially to my dad. I told my boyfriend I gave him his number and he didn’t have to pick up his call if he didn’t want to. My dad call him and he didn’t pick up so my dad called a few more times, my bf thought something happened so he calls back. Apparently my dad said “this is my decision, don’t contact my daughter, this isn’t up for negotiation”. I felt really hurt because I feel like it was very disrespectful and almost a slap in the face, and since then I haven’t properly talked to my dad.
My bf still says I’ll wait for you if you change your mind, but you can’t leave again under pressure, he also doesn’t want to hide anymore and said I shouldn’t need their approval. He’s naturally more confident about standing up for what he wants, while I’ve spent my entire life putting my parents’ feelings first, and honestly I’ve come to the point why I feel like I have lost myself.
One reason it has been so difficult to stand up for myself is that I don’t yet have a stable career. I finished university last year and have been working jobs that weren’t career-related. Recently, I accepted a job that I can genuinely see becoming my career, but it doesn’t start for another seven months. Since I’ve been living at home and not working recently, I’ve felt even less independent. I also want to move out because I know it would be much healthier for my mental well-being and help me finally feel like an independent adult, although I know that conversation with my parents will be another battle.
I’ve also spoken to people close to me. I overheard my brother and sister-in-law agreeing with my parents, yet when they speak to me, they also understand my perspective. They’ve told me that we can’t control how our parents feel or the guilt they place on us, and that sometimes we have to put ourselves first. My cousin has also been supportive and believes I should become independent and live my own life.
Mentally, I’ve struggled because I genuinely understand where my parents are coming from. They’ve given me an amazing life, always been there for me, have been great parents, and we’ve always been incredibly close. Sometimes I think we’re close to an unhealthy degree. Even now, my parents consult my grandparents before making major decisions, and they want to know everything happening in my life. I also compare myself to my cousins who just got engaged to a Sikh Punjabi guy, my brother is married to a Sikh Punjabi girl. I think to myself marrying a guy that’s not a sardar would already make me the black sheep, imagine marrying someone that’s South Indian, and someone who is slightly shorter than me.
But what my boyfriend and I have feels special. We truly love each other. We’re best friends, we trust each other completely, support each other, and want the same things in life. Deep down, I feel that if I don’t fight for this relationship, I’ll spend the rest of my life looking for him in everyone else and regretting that I never stood up for myself.
Whenever I’m away from home, like in nature or with friends I realize there’s more to life than living solely to make my parents happy and what other people will think. For years I’ve always been scared to do anything they wouldn’t approve of or always putting myself in their shoes, and it’s left me feeling empty. I know life is short, and I want to build a life that makes me happy, but I’m torn between the people I love most and the future I want for myself.