Processing trauma
Hello.
I was diagnosed with DID using SCID-D more than a year ago. I am in my late 30s and work full time (although I was found unfit by Occ. Health in my last role and managed to pivot to another role as I am the sole earner for our family)
I have been seeing a private psychologist who is experienced with dissociative disorders and over the last 12 months I have stabilised significantly. I was very unwell before diagnosis and after. I am finally now, after 16 months beginning to accept I do have this.
My psychologist keep mentioning that when I have flashbacks and trauma, its not actually happening and I am safe.
However even if I remember that, its all so sad? Like so so sad? To see myself being abused whilst so vulnerable, so many times. To see myself frozen and hurt. I know I cant change anything. I know it happened. I just think its so fucking sad and then that makes me feel so sad that this was my life. That nobody protected me when they should have. That many old men abused me when I was very unwell and vulnerable.
How I managed to recover when I was younger was to focus on all the positives and good things, and ignore the bad as I felt like it was everywhere. I feel like I put horse blinkers on to be able to move forward with my life. It worked for a long time until I experienced a very traumatic event a few years ago which made me poorly and was eventually diagnosed with DID.
But I cant wear those blinkers now? I see all the awfulness of humanity again. I cant force it to be hidden
How do I come to terms with multiple traumas (both pre verbal, as a toddler, teenager and young adult) when its all so sad and depressing?