u/Brilliant-Light8855

I’ve had an awful pain in my neck / shoulder for the past couple of weeks. It’s not improving so I booked a physio appt for this evening.

And now I’m starting to spiral a little because I don’t like being touched by strangers 😩

Genuinely do not know how people enjoy massages. I went once and decided that’s not something I’ll be doing again. It felt way too intimate / vulnerable to me.

Have any of you gone to physio? Please tell me it’s not as bad as I’m telling myself it’ll be 😅 or feel free to share your coping mechanisms. I wouldn’t be going if I wasn’t in a lot of pain. And some of this fear is rooted in trauma so it has irrationally latched on to people who resemble the people of my past who harmed me.

I will tell the physio that I’m anxious so that they have the context to pay me care. Just not sure if they will.

My child was recently diagnosed with OCD.

Although we’re in contact with a child psychologist often (child appts every week and parent reviews once a month) I’m still not sure if I’m navigating this well.

Tonight I told my child, after the fifth time of reassurance seeking, that it sounded like she’d gotten stuck on the thought… but I’d already reassured her about it a few times.

Later on, I asked if she’d brushed her teeth. She told me she had. I asked if she did a good job/ took her time to do them well (she has braces so it’s extra important) and she said she didn’t know.

And when I asked again, she fired back “You’re getting stuck on this and I’m not going to reassure you.” It was said slightly playfully… but there was a tint of pain in it too.

Earlier on in the evening, she got upset when I tried to do a bedtime routine slightly out of order. I told her it might be good to try changing just one thing.

She said that the order of these things was not a ritual, just a preference, and that she’s quite annoyed that I assume things are rituals when they are not.

So anyways, I feel like I’m definitely on a slippery slope, and tonight, I slipped a few times.

Any insight into the experience of OCD / things you wish your parents had done differently would be appreciated. I’m listening and I hear that I’ve got plenty to learn.

As I watch the journey of a younger family member, I’m realising that social anxiety isn’t a part of their story- although it looks like that from the outside at times.

Instead, the psychologist they’re seeing (specialising in anxiety and neurodivergence) has shared that she believes this person has autism.

And the more I listen and hear their experiences in the raw form that only children can give… it makes me reflect on myself.

I struggled massively in late middle school and all of high school. I was constantly scanning for threats.

Loud sounds (like teachers smacking rulers on boards to ‘wake us up’) would put me in complete overwhelm for ages after.

I understood social dynamics but I didn’t ‘get’ them if you know what I mean. It seemed like an awful lot of effort for very little pay off to me. It made me incredibly nervous.

And humour has always been such a struggle. It simply does not translate a lot of times. I definitely take things literally as my default and it’s a hard gear shift to get down into that ‘other’ language.

I know the patterns of interactions well enough to predict and respond. I know how to show up in a typical way. I know how much of myself to share and which parts are socially generally accepted.

How am I supposed to know what parts of me were shaped by learned experiences and which are me?

I definitely struggle with eye contact. Still really don’t do well with loud sounds. I have a job that involves a mix of deep logic (I’m not a developer but I work alongside them in my role) and creativity/ data analysis to conceptualise user interfaces.

And now that I’m standing way back from it all and seeing how I learned to survive, I’m starting to wonder if I should get assessed for neurodivergence.

I know that’s a personal decision that only I can make… but I’m curious to hear how that went for other people.

… I was there for 4 hours whilst she coloured, toned, trimmed and styled my hair. 

… I spent a half hour sitting in front of the mirror all by myself whilst waiting for the colour to do its thing. 

… I got a really chatty stylist. 

…I got asked a million questions about what I wanted done with my hair. 

And honestly guys, if we rewound even 1 year ago, I’d have been stuck in my head absolutely terrified in that situation. Probably replaying stuff the whole time after it too. Awkwardly looking anywhere but into that mirror.

But instead, I stayed present in the conversation, watched my hair get transformed and felt mostly relaxed. I’d written down all the stuff I wanted done with my hair to avoid feeling pressured by the questions I knew she’d be asking.

We talked about the way anxiety has touched our lives- she said she was so nervous when she started at this job because she thought the conversations with clients would be overwhelming. 

She offered me tea and biscuits and, for the first time ever (at a hair salon), I accepted. Usually I’d be too nervous to eat / drink anything… too aware of my body in the mirror.

We talked about family dynamics.. holidays.. more mental health.. the community we both live in. No pressure. It just flowed. 

I spent another half hour with my head in the sink. Usually I’d be focused on how my body looks / how vulnerable I feel / all the conversation up till that point.. feeling self conscious and unworthy. This time, I just lavished in the peace and fab head massage. 

At the end, she told me that I sound like a really good person. A good mother too. And I let myself feel that kindness because I know she meant it and I know it’s true.

Guys it gets better, I promise it can. 

Therapy + medication have helped me get here. 

Yes my rosacea flared after the appt- these things still challenge me. 

Yes I was a little nervous going in… sure I haven’t gotten my hair done in years because I deeply feared all of all that one on one time with the stylist / the mirror they park in front of you.

And yes I am going back to that lovely stylist again next time - I felt safe with her and that’s everything to me. 

I’ve wanted to get my hair coloured and cut since before I started therapy (2.5 years ago). I didn’t force myself.. just waited till I felt up for that challenge.

I’m glad I waited, it was well worth it for that experience. ☺️ 💇‍♀️☕️