u/Broad-Razzmatazz5990

Feeling a bit better mentally, mostly because I had an honest conversation with a friend who, as it turned out, understands the mechanisms of this addiction very well:)

It can be anything, whether it's about yourself, the world or other addicts

If you're a woman and you consider yourself someone who struggles/struggled with pornography addiction, can you comment something under here?

It can be just "hi", it can be a vent, a description of your situation. Anything, I just wanted to see how many women are here that struggle with an addiction that is often described as something that only affects men.

Edit: I'm a woman. And I often feel inadequate when this addiction is being discussed because it's either a male-centred discussion or people say things like "porn addiction doesn't exist, it's made up by religious men to cope with guilt". I'm neither a man nor religious. That's why I'm asking.

If you're a woman and you consider yourself someone who struggles/struggled with pornography addiction, can you comment something under here?

It can be just "hi", it can be a vent, a description of your situation. Anything, I just wanted to see how many women are here that struggle with an addiction that is often described as something that only affects men.

Edit: I'm a woman. And I often feel inadequate when this addiction is being discussed because it's either a male-centred discussion or people say things like "porn addiction doesn't exist, it's made up by religious men to cope with guilt". I'm neither a man nor religious. That's why I'm asking.

Posted it on r/PornAddiction, but decided to post it here too, idk if audiences are very different.

I suppose that recovery depends on what age and why you got addicted, how long it lasted and how badly it escalated (for those who ended up watching extreme/horrible content the mental weight might be heavier) + how strong your mental health is.

I want to reach a time when the version of me that was addicted, that ended up watching disgusting content, is so long dead that it's practically forgotten. A time when this chapter of my life is so long gone that it has faded to the point where I don't really even remember it and on the rare moments that I do, it wakes up no strong emotion.

There are many statements here or on other subreddits from people who have been sober for long, might still deal with this or that thought or not. Statements that the addiction will forever be in some way a part of you. But I like to imagine that there are people who were addicted, badly even, who felt a lot of shame/guilt at some point, but they moved on, became better and don't think about it practically at all, so naturally they aren't on these type of subreddits to share their experience. Not even for the sake of giving advice. Their mind is just simply never on it anymore, they have no recurring memories from that time, no guilt anymore, they forgave themselves and let it fade.

Whether they exist or not, we might actually never know. But I like to tell myself that these people exist and that one day I will be that person.

I suppose that recovery depends on what age and why you got addicted, how long it lasted and how badly it escalated (for those who ended up watching extreme/horrible content the mental weight might be heavier) + how strong your mental health is.

I want to reach a time when the version of me that was addicted, that ended up watching disgusting content, is so long dead that it's practically forgotten. A time when this chapter of my life is so long gone that it has faded to the point where I don't really even remember it and on the rare moments that I do, it wakes up no strong emotion.

There are many statements here or on other subreddits from people who have been sober for long, might still deal with this or that thought or not. Statements that the addiction will forever be in some way a part of you. But I like to imagine that there are people who were addicted, badly even, who felt a lot of shame/guilt at some point, but they moved on, became better and don't think about it practically at all, so naturally they aren't on these type of subreddits to share their experience. Not even for the sake of giving advice. Their mind is just simply never on it anymore, they have no recurring memories from that time, no guilt anymore, they forgave themselves and let it fade.

Whether they exist or not, we might actually never know. But I like to tell myself that one day I will be that person.

What do you lot think is it that can make it easier? Why do you think is it that some feel okay after 60 days and have no urges and some still have urges 300+ days in?

First decent day in some time. I do hope one day I will let myself off the hook with guilt, shame, fear etc.

I want this old version of me who watched awful awful things to be dead. I want to think of that person as someone who I'm not anymore, someone is not coming back ever again. Maybe I don't need everyone's forgiveness, maybe I just need my own forgiveness and being a better person moving forward.

Urges, guilt, shame, forgiving yourself, haunting thoughts? What is it?

I've been lowkey considering anti-depressants at this point, because I feel pretty bad, I have no energy to leave the bed and my thoughts are running rampant. How are you guys doing?

With time in recovery, did you find yourself once again disgusted/disturbed by certain things that once you found "pleasurable" enough to masturbate to?

Obviously in the conscious sense we often know these things are bad, but did you ever felt a disgust that would not allow you to use that content again for "pleasure", did you felt turned off by that content just like you would be before the addiction?

It's the be the biggest issue for me. How does one forgive themself? How do you acknowledge your wrongdoing but also let yourself live with it? How do you feel worthy of being in the presence of people that you perceive as good? How do you stop the "if only they knew, they wouldn't be friends with me" etc.?

I think this might be the biggest issue for me. How does one forgive themself? How do you acknowledge your wrongdoing but also let yourself live with it? How do you feel worthy of being in the presence of people that you perceive as good? How do you stop the "if only they knew, they wouldn't be friends with me" etc.? How do you stop the inner need to seek absolution from others?

Tired, anxious, all the usual

With an addiction that escalated to a really bad degree, to stuff that went totally against what I would consider were my conscious values, it feels like I'm grieving my identity in a way, mourning the loss of the person I once thought I was. I hope that one day I won't feel like it defines me entirely and I will let myself live and not just survive.

To anyone who relates even slightly, good luck on your journey. I hope better days are ahead of us.

My addiction escalated to a really horrible degree, to stuff that went totally against what I would consider my conscious values were. Like I was a different person at the time. My brain made excuses for what I watched up until I stopped 52 days ago. That was when the guilt and shame hit. Few first weeks were so horrible, I practically didn't eat and was barely able to leave the house. Things have gotten a bit better, but I still have a lot of anxiety, guilt, worry.

I told my boyfriend, I'm in therapy (only 2 appointments so far), so total of two people know about how bad it got, I don't really want to tell anyone else, I would rather not disclose it even in potential future relationships/friendships, but I worry that I will feel like a fraud/imposter constantly. I hope it will pass in time and I won't feel the need to seek acceptance/forgiveness from others.

I also worry about intrusive memories of what I watched, especially that they will appear during real life intimacy. Ironically overthinking it probably would make it worse, but I'm an overthinker through and through.

At the beginning of recovery I was sure I would never go back to pornography because of how much guilt I carry. But now I became a bit paranoid that one day I will black out and seek it out again :,) This worry lowkey makes me sick.

I wish I could turn off my head sometimes. Unfortunately I'm an overthinker. I hope there will be days when I don't think about or don't feel the weight of the stuff I used to watch.

Did you have any issues with intrusive memories of what you watched? I'm a bit scared to engage in real life intimacy because I'm afraid those memories will resurface and I don't want that :,)

I plan to bring it up to my therapist, but I want to also hear about it from people affected by the issue.

If you don't want to comment for any reason, you can DM me, even if you just want to vent (I get the need to do that, I experience that a lot lol)

Many of us probably have different things they regret the most.

Is it time spent, neglecting relationships, maybe what kind of content your addiction escalated to (not judging here at all)? Or something else?

First few weeks were difficult, with debilitating guilt, shame, fear. I didn't have appetite, it was hard to get up from the bed. Now the days vary. Some are decent, not really super happy. Some are bad. I started therapy, but only had two appointments so far.

At first after starting recovery I have been sure that I will never go back to pornography because of how horrible the guilt was at the beginning. Now the guilt is still bad but I became a bit paranoid and very anxious about the concept of relapsing. I'm scared that I will black out one day and look up pornography again. I don't want to. I never want to do it again. I honestly wish that all that content got deleted forever from the internet or I wish I could transport myself to an alternate universe where pornography or even internet don't exist.

I will definitely address this anxiety during the next appointment because it is a bit unbearable.