u/Brok3nDr3amz

i fr just wanna cut again.. i hate myself and just wish i can disappear… for everyone to quit thinking in some sort of way they know what’s best and know everything, faking that they wanna be around me or the feelings they have for me, or acting like im such a fucking problem or that i’m incompetent and could care less about hearing me beg for attention or just some damn human decency.. im crying and feel like a pos for crying and feeling bad all bc wanna be happy and feel like my feelings are valued and validated.. you can’t help urself but give me sarcasm or irritated responses… literally ALL the time.!! especially if it had anything to do with you taking blame or being questioned.. asking you simple things like, “are you ok?” making me feel bad for how i feel.. i guess this is what i deserve tbh.. i bottle things in or i literally make myself ignore things or honestly, *wait until something ends up happens again. or when i think you’re in a good enough mood not to lie to me..sometimes even drinking with you* but u never open up or are honest so im even scared to show u any type of proof or source i have.. lie, defensiveness, and you reflect!! out of everything we’ve been through and the things you’ve done.. literally just you being you there’s NOOOO way you’ve never done anything ever or that ur just soooooo innocent!!!

i ‘m/25’ feel like all i am is a cover up or like i’m becoming someone she ‘f/23’ doesn’t want anymore.. like truly i don’t even know how to feel or what to think. i hate who i am and just wish i wasn’t constantly being lied to or gaslit. she separates me from her whole world and makes me feel insecure and like im the problem for having the thoughts and feelings when she’s the one giving me those feelings. i can’t help how i feel. i try and talk, she doesn’t open up, i try and spill my heart out to her and she doesn’t tell me how she feels unless we’re arguing because she wants to turn everything that has to do with her into a defensive issue and then treats me with sarcasm and gets loud on purpose so people can hear. i bend over backwards for her and her family and when it’s the other way around there’s always something that’s an issue. her and her family purposely make sure i’m not around anymore and it hurts. yet her, her mom and moms bf expect me to do everything for them and legit treat me like crap. fuck all i want is honesty and respect, i already know you “love” me.. but can someone please talk to me? yes no??

i ‘m/25’ feel like all i am is a cover up or like i’m becoming someone she ‘f/23’ doesn’t want anymore.. like truly i don’t even know how to feel or what to think. i hate who i am and just wish i wasn’t constantly being lied to or gaslit. she separates me from her whole world and makes me feel insecure and like im the problem for having the thoughts and feelings when she’s the one giving me those feelings. i can’t help how i feel. i try and talk, she doesn’t open up, i try and spill my heart out to her and she doesn’t tell me how she feels unless we’re arguing because she wants to turn everything that has to do with her into a defensive issue and then treats me with sarcasm and gets loud on purpose so people can hear. i bend over backwards for her and her family and when it’s the other way around there’s always something that’s an issue. her and her family purposely make sure i’m not around anymore and it hurts. yet her, her mom and moms bf expect me to do everything for them and legit treat me like crap. fuck all i want is honesty and respect, i already know you “love” me.. but can someone please talk to me? yes no??

I feel like I can’t ever talk to her.. I sit with a gut feeling-fear all the time, bottled up feelings I try not to bring up because it always ends with me being at fault. Unvalidated and end up just, “forgetting about it” or “dropping it”. I love her to death and genuinely would give my life for her! I try and talk about things like; our relationship, feelings/thoughts about concerns/worries, personal things(sexual and non), questionable behaviors rather it be her or her friends/family/coworkers, the biggest one for me is when I try and get her to communicate and open up about herself.. it’s like she resists telling me anything and tbh she already lies to me and likes to gaslight me sometimes. I’ve been to the point where I told her my deepest secret, showed her my old secret accounts to try and see what she likes along with experiences and all that stuff. It’s like she’s “too innocent” to do anything or she’s ALWAYS denied everything even after 5 years of knowing and being with her. Also trust me when I say my Ex’s have really fucked me up.. but I’ve managed to work through that well and I truly do give her every benefit of the doubt and we have had a bumpy road; mainly because of me. On my difference is, IM the one who everyone talked/talks shit about, IM the black sheep of it all, IM the one no one wants around and hides things from. ME ME ME!! I straight worked like a dog and literally did all the cooking and cleaning for her and yet still do. I give her my last dime and can care less about me, my benefits, my health, my personal financial walk around money since my transportation has been down for months. My career is going out the window, barely go out or to celebrate. Even her family don’t want me around when celebrating even on her bday.. idk idk idk there’s a whole lot of aspects and everything but long story short.. I feel like I deserve this.. I just want her to be honest with me and not be trying to “find a way out soon” like I’ve seen her say to her friend through text… look I’m not perfect but why should I have to keep begging, expecting, and waiting?..