u/Brosephstalin11

(26 M) Formally diagnosed with Treatment resistant double depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I dont know what to do anymore. Ive had depression and suicidal ideation since 6th grade. For the past 6 years I've been working with psychiatrists and therapists trying different medication combos, augmented medication regiments and none of them have ever really done much for me.

All that changed when I found a local ketamine clinic, ketamine was a saving grace and let me experience life without depression for the first time. Despite its effects only lasting a week or two and being incredibly expensive it became my emergency backup when things got too bad. I did an infusion after a 7 month hiatus and it did nothing. I feel exactly the same and I cannot describe to you how defeated I feel.

I do not enjoy life, I never have. I wish I could tell you why, even in 6th grade I wanted to kill myself. Every single day I fantasize about death and wish that I could just do it. But I can't, I could never do that to my family. I have no friends that I hang out with outside of work. I sleep 11 hours a day and Im living in my parents basement because I live in an expensive city and I cant find a job that will let me live on my own. Im a failure. Im so tired of life, I wish I could donate my time left to someone who deserved it. Some kid with cancer, to a family who lost their child early in life.

I dont need anyone's pity, I just want this to end. I can feel this ball of emotion inside that feels like it wants to explode but no matter how bad I want to just breakdown and let it all out, I dont know how to do it. And if I did, I dont know how i'd pull myself back together again.

We put animals down when they are suffering but we don't allow ourselves the same kindness.

I just received a finalized report after a full psychological exam. My therapist and psychiatrist both think I should consider letting my parents read it since they have no real knowledge of what Im going through.

I understand their reasoning, my parents could provide support or at least be someone to listen. My hesitation though is I think its much more likely that letting them read it does more harm than good, no parent should have to read in depth details about their sons struggles with depression.

Am I thinking about this wrong?

For any parents out there, would you want to know these things?

Thanks in advance for any advice.