My older sister sexually abused me
I'm so glad to have found this subreddit. Your stories make me feel less alone.
My story is very odd and I recognize that. But it's only made it harder to heal from. When I was 9 I had this overwhelming feeling. I wanted a kiss from someone. Anyone. So I called my older sister into the bathroom and told her to kiss me. She gave me a peck. I said I wanted a real kiss. So she did it. I was like whatever. That was a weird feeling. I don't remember if it went away after she did that. But soon after she started coming into my room at night, grabbing my hand, and bringing me to her bedroom. She would touch me all over. I just laid there unsure what was happening. This continued for two years until my 11th birthday. She is there years older than me so she would've been 12 when it started and 14 when it ended. I've always thought that's old enough to know better. One time I asked her to put her mouth on my down there. She did and I peed in her mouth. I don't know why. She freaked out and ran to the bathroom. These days the humor in that is what gets me through.
When I was 9 my mom walked in on it happening. We were naked in her bed and she came in and told me to go to bed. I said I would but I couldn't get up because I was naked so I waited for her to leave, put my clothes on, and went to bed. The next morning I was hanging out with her while she was getting ready for work and she said, "Do you know what me and daddy do when we go to bed?" I said yes. She said, "Is that what you and your sister were doing last night?" I immediately panicked thinking I was going to get in trouble and said no. She never brought it up again. Neither did I. It continued for two more years. I have such a hard time forgiving her for that. She could've stopped it. She could've gotten us help. She could've saved me so much pain.
When I was 30 I had a complete psychotic break. I was smoking Delta 8, having sex with random men I found in Tinder, not going to work. I ended up being committed to a mental hospital. Everyone, including me, thought I was there for work stress. The third day in group I stared at the ground and word vomited everything she'd done to me. Everything. When I looked up everyone looked horrified. That was the first time I'd told anyone. After group the therapist took me aside and told me she was going to transfer me to the women's sexual abuse group. Those women changed my life. I will never forget them. I ended up going no contact with my older sister. She stopped sexually abusing me at 11 but she physically abused me until she moved out at 17. Then she emotionally manipulated and abused me until the day I cut off contact. She claims she doesn't know why I don't talk to her. I told my mom about everything. We cried on each other and she said she didn't remember walking in on it and that she would've never allowed it to continue if she knew. Except that she did. She knew and she didn't protect me. I honestly think that's the worst part, which is crazy to say but it's true. My mom asked me if she could tell her why I don't talk to her because it's making her sad. I did not care. I told her you can tell her if you want but she's going to flip out and call me a liar. And I'm not going to let her yell at me over it do you're going to take the brunt of it. She decided not to. Shocker. She has always chosen her over me and my little sister (who she also sexually abused but only a few times because my little sister wasn't having it) and she still chooses her over us to this day despite everything that I told her. She also knew she physically abused me. I'd come to her with a fat lip or a black eye and she would do nothing. No punishment for her. Just treat my wounds and prepare me for the next beating. Finally when I was around 14 I went to act like I was going to punch her I had never hit anyone in my life. I still haven't. But she started punching me so hard. I just screamed at the top of my lungs and my dad came in the room and told her to stop. I had my first panic attack and my dad took me to lunch with my fat lip and told me and I quote, "That bitch will never put her hands on you again." and he built me a bedroom in the garage to keep me away from her. Never treat the problem. Just deal with the consequences. I told my sister one time that I felt like I was born just to inconvenience her because everything I did was wrong and stupid to her. It affected me deeply. To this day I feel like my existence is an inconvenience. I don't feel like I deserve to take up space in this world. That is an incredibly hard thing to overcome. I am now 35 and it still hasn't subsided despite years of therapy. It's a terrible feeling. I almost took myself out twice because I don't feel like I deserve to be here.
I was also sexually assaulted when I was 14 by a 17 year old boy at school. After what happened with my sister, this completely shattered me. I was broken in every sense of the word. I started self harming. He wouldn't leave me alone. Since I knew my mom wouldn't help me I decided to write a letter to the school counselor. I messed up the first one and threw it away. Basically I was telling them that I didn't know what to call it. Was I molested? Assaulted? I wasn't sure. My mom found the one I threw away and read it. I will never forget this until the day I die. The only thing she said was, "You were not molested." After reading the letter where I described in detail what happened to me that's all she would say.
So I was "going out" with the guy at the time. We were standing at the place where the busses drop off kids in the mornings and talking to my friends before going to class. I had my hoodie on my arms but not the rest of me do I was covered. He had his arms around my waist. Fine, whatever. But then he started moving his hands up my stomach. I pushed them down. Three times. The last time he moved so fast I couldn't catch him. He put his hand under my shirt, under my bra, and touched my nipple. I pushed his hand back down but the damage was done. I immediately felt angry because I didn't know how else to feel. It immediately changed me as a person. I'm still not healed. He also stole my "first kiss" from me. He just ran up and kissed me before I could do anything. I was devastated. I started writing down every single first with a guy. The first time a guy touched my arm. The first time a guy touched my thigh. That continued until I was 17. Then I fell in love with a 21 year old man I met on a blind date. So I started writing down sexual partners. And that continued into my mid-twenties.
I am so sorry for this long post. I just never get to talk about this with like-minded individuals and I don't want to leave anything out.
Now I am 35 and I just started my first semester in college to get my bachelor's degree in psychology. I want to be an advocate for children. No one stood up for me. I felt so helpless and alone. No child should have to feel that way. Ever. I want to be the person in their corner. I will be. I plan to get my masters in social work when I finish my bachelor's. That way I can be a social worker. Children are innocent and helpless. They need someone to advocate for them in situations where it's too scary to do so. I'm going to help kids escape situations just like mine. And get them therapy. I am going to change the world for the kids I have the privilege to help. I have wanted to go into psychology since I was 14 but my parents told me it was stupid and a waste of time so I never pursued it. Now I don't really care what they think. I'm getting assistance from the government so I don't have to pay anything out of pocket. I don't have a man in my life or children. There is no reason for me not to. I am so excited to start that I signed up to be a CASA volunteer while I complete school. That way I can go ahead and start helping kids in whatever way that I can.
I am so sorry that you all experienced what you did. We didn't deserve it and it wasn't our fault. You are all so strong but we don't have much of a choice but to be strong given our circumstances. Thank you for allowing me to word vomit here. I feel much better. <3
- I also want to note that my sister was never sexually abused when we were children. She was sexually active at a younger age but I don't remember at what age. I'm thinking maybe 15? But that doesn't explain what she did to me. Please don't assume she was abused and use that as an excuse. I hate when people do that. Regardless of what may or may not have happened to her, she still abused me. Period.