Had blackout sex on vacation, looked him up and he has a partner. Do I message her?
Never been in any sort of situation like this before so please take it easy on me. I know I fucked up, just need to know how to proceed.
Long story short, I (26F) went on a solo international trip for the first time and was hanging out with different people at my resort. One guy (33M) kept hitting on me, tried to kiss me but I recoiled, which made his friend laugh, and told him that gave me anxiety. I told him I wasn't a hook up girl and had only been intimate with 2 people (one being my ex husband). He walked me back to my resort that night and I did give him a small kiss because I was grateful he was being a gentleman, and I told him I appreciated him not pressuring me into sex because I was NOT interested in hooking up.
I should've stopped hanging out with that group but I wanted to make friends and had fun, even with his flirting. Next night our group was at the bar and I got way too drunk. I made very stupid choices and I know that. I blacked out for hours and only started coming to when I was in the guy's hotel room and we were having sex.
The very few memories I have, I was going along with it, so I'm not accusing him of assault or anything! I remember him on top of me saying he'd been wanting to do this since he first met me on the beach, and I remember him in my mouth while thinking to myself, "I don't really want to be doing this. Why am I going along with it?" I'm not saying these things to shift blame, just to give an idea of how drunk I was and why I don't remember anything. Other than those two memories, I have 0 idea how I go to his room, what time all this happened, or how I got back to my room. The next thing I remember is just calling my best friend some time after I got back to my room and sobbing my eyes out because I had freaked myself out doing this, and didn't understand why I did it. I booked a flight first thing the next day because I was panicked and left, cutting my trip short.
Again, I know I'm responsible for my choices and I'm not accusing him of assaulting me. I know he had also been drinking. But I know he wasn't as drunk as I was because he was texting me after the fact about a few different things, and texted me in the morning saying we should have sex again. I blocked him because again, panicking, and left the country.
I've been feeling unsettled since I got home (again, I know it's because of the situation I put MYSELF into, not accusing him of anything nefarious) so today against my better judgment, I was looking him up and found some things that upset me. First, he lied about his age and he is actually almost 41, not 33 like he told me. More upsetting is that he's had a partner since at least the early 2010s, they post about each other often and and they have a 12 year old daughter together. They just took a family trip to Disney a month ago. They have different last names so I don't think they're married? But they are a family together, that much is clear.
Do I have a moral obligation to reach out to her and let her know what happened? I have barely any memory so I'm afraid if I reach out, I'm really doing more harm than good because I won't be able to answer her if she has any questions. I'm also afraid that since I have no memory, she'll lash out and think I'm lying.
Thank you in advance for any advice. I'm very anxious about this so please don't dogpile me about my shitty decision making. Just trying to do what's right moving forward.
EDIT: This has been an overwhelming response. Thank you to everyone for their insight, even the ones calling me a slut or a hoe or telling me I'm for the streets, because it shows I'm truly getting a wide variety of perspectives here. I was very much so not expecting this large scale discussion so I'm sorry I haven't kept up with comments.
Thank you to everyone that's looking out for me, however I am very confident I was not drugged. I had not eaten in a handful of hours by the time I started drinking and I am a lightweight, so I'm not surprised I got way drunker than I wanted way quicker. I feel absolutely disgusting and ashamed that I had sex with someone and I cannot remember it almost at all, but me approaching his partner has nothing to do with MY feelings and everything to do with the fact that I have information about him that she potentially doesn't know that could directly impact her.
I will not be making a decision yet. The huge response to this post has made more clear the gravity of the situation, from the night itself to the implications of reaching out to her, so I will be waiting until I can process a bit more and speak with my therapist next week. I was genuinely surprised by the flood of comments and DMs opening the topic of consent and assault; my closest friends in my personal life immediately were concerned I was taken advantage of, so having hundreds of strangers back them up has been an incredibly surreal experience and I'd like time to process. I am not comfortable pointing fingers and saying I was assaulted since I have no data to back that up, given how long I blacked out, but these conversations have certainly given me something to think about.
Thank you again to everyone, even you cruel bastards out there trying to hurt someone who's made it clear she's in a stressful situation. Takes all types to make the world go round.