u/Bubbly_Alfalfa1134

hi sorry i dont really make Posts, i just lurk for the most part but i feel like im going insane and idk how to consolidate this but basically, ive been working through maybe having DID with my therapist [i am like. 100% sure thats whats going on but i just dont wanna seek an official diagnosis until ive done more work in therapy] but in any case, im pretty sure i was SAed by my parents as a child but im really fighting to believe myself because i keep going down the the denial path again and again because i feel like a crazy person

but basically something i havent seen a lot of other people talk about is having CSA trauma but its like. i look back at my everyday life and the memories i DO have, and its like. at the time that stuff was happening, its like my family de-sexualised the context of things that i look back and am like 'wait thats WEIRD!' like. i feel like im going insane. i dont know. its like the thing of when family members go 'you cant wear shorts around your dad or uncles' and they don't say the quiet part out loud. and i think nothing of it as a child bc im just like yeah i guess its innapropriate, but then i look back and im like. Oh the reason youre saying that is bc youre insinuiating that male family members would look at me sexually. and thats a very mild example but it just helped normalize all of it and im sure helped normalize the stuff i dont remember too, but its like. just this attitude around sexual things or implications that masks it from what it really is and i feel like im going insane

i basically think my mom did sexual things with me but convinced herself they werent sexual somehow- i think partially its because we are both 'girls' [im genderfluid/ transmasc in a lot of my parts], and its all linked idk i feel insane aauuuogh uhm does this make any sense/ does anyone else have similar experiences. bc its like. obviously my brain is flooding me with all the good stuff to deny this all, but i have mounting evidence to suggest this

hi sorry i dont. i dont make reddit posts i dont really know how to consolidate this but i feel like im going to lose my mind. ive been working through my parents [very] possibly having molested me as a child[?] and im very disconnected with my memories and ive been working through having DID with my therapist

but basically, everytime i see people talk about their CSA experiences, a lot of the time i see it as very overt and like, taught/shown told about very sexual things before theyre meant to know, or like on the part of the perpetrator it wasn't meant to be sexual [in the case of like body checking with a mother for example]. but i find for my experience, there was a lot of. things that looking back WERE sexual/ or erotic but my family just. never said it. Like the sort of thing where its like its the Rule that you can't wear shorts around your male family members, because it's Innapropriate- but nobody says the quiet part out loud. and that's a very common example but it spanned much further than that. in a way of just there are so many things that i didn't even register as sexual until NOW when i recontextualise it.

its like, at the time i got these memories i had no context for things being sexual but then when they pop up in my head i put my NOW adult brain onto them and im like oh god. and its like. I think my mom was very VERY close with me and did sexual things with me but i think she convinced herself it wasn't sexual but i just dont know how and im kind of going insane,

theres all sorts of other things too but basically i just feel like im insane i don't know