u/Bubbly_Gap_9421

I've tested lots of clothing and found that the female set evergreen is my favourite, it doesnt glow in dark other than the orbs, I end up making somewhat jungle looking sylvari or river fairy archer style and cannot choose which one i like the most. It's difficult to create medium armor look that makes it feel flowery planty so I created a light armor sylvari character a mesmer, found the abilities to be lacking in color atleast archer looked interesting but doesn't have clothes that make it look leafy. I burned out after days of trying to find the right sylvari clothes colors combination and stopped playing for a bit because of anxiety. Sorry if I sound weird.

"Why are you wasting time on video games?"

"Aren't you tired of living the same life every day?"

"Are you ever gonna do something about your life?"

"Are your dreams to become a loser?"

"You will never accomplish anything by just sitting around and doing nothing"

"Is your dream to work at grocery store?"

"You have everything in life and yet you still end up a brat and a loser"

"It was about time you stopped sitting at home"

"Youre wasting time"

"Youre pathetic"

"Do you want to be useless all of your life?"

"What have you done these past 5 years?"

"You should do something now before your intelligence gets worse"

"Youre stupid that's the truth"

"You need to force yourself to like it"

"Life is hard for everybody."

I feel closer in peace knowing I'll die, sometimes I have panic attacks knowing that my death is an inevitable fact of nature, so it makes me thinking what if my life this one isn't as important as the next one or previous lifes I've had lived, and those lifes certainly were different maybe I was much more accomplished in those lifes and happier maybe I lived in a civilisation that was perfected In art, morals and what not like a perfect world living in nature instead of trying to escape it.

I'm one of those people who have 0 accomplishments and sits at home waiting for life to happen alltho I've had many dreams most of them are now washed out dreams with anger funneled through them, when I was 5 to 7 years old I wanted badly to be a singer and I did finish music school but I did poorly and was never good at anything practical, I did wanted to play violin and never got to play it at all, I have no instrument at home but I planned to buy a wooden flute an expensive one maybe this year if I find a job, and a piano for fun. I have other dreams unrelated with music, but what dawns me is that this is unrealistic dream like only existing in mind accomplishments that are motivational for me, If I would make songs I'm certain they'd be nothing I'd want to listen to becayse I have no idea what type of sound I want to hear. Basically the only good thing I've ever done is related in music and its the littlest things, there was talent for sure but my brain has forgotten it all, like I said I'm just a washed out person now. My life and all these years have been most focused on mental health issues, there was no time like other people who could go to college learn find job find partner or do hobbies and then be an accomplished early adult which is by far most my age people

I've recently been obsessing over Michael Jackson songs and his songs with the beats alltho his music isn't what I ussualy listen to but the bests and essence of it all has drawn me deeply escalating my decisions in a whim, suddenly all of my life now has to be surrounded of music no other dream that have been in between matters, I know how pathetic it is a 23 year old person starting music career thsts pathetic of me and makes me feel depressed I know nobody will care.

On top of what I'm dealing with, I feel music is not needed as much in this world with how mainstream and regurgitated it is so its why I went back to listen what Michael had to offer, that gave me a vision for my future hopefuly, all the pain needs eyes and eyes sometimes need to feel rest from the amount of distractions, fake people fake realities and maybe if there was one single thing uniting this world thet would be music, it's all now gone the soul of music hasn't been awaken atleast for a soul that wants to be together with everyone. Yeah and...

I dont know how to end this text but I'm not holding much hope, my depression is carrying so much pain with everything that's me and everything thst I see happening involuntarly connecting me to this world and making me have pain too, doubting if I even want to exist on this planet anymore with how useless and not worthy of anyone's time I am, this is just the logical reason to go if I go