u/Budget_Yoghurt9859

everyone is annoying or not what im looking for, but then that begs the question: what am i looking for? what do i even want that i’m so tired of friendships? i’ve been reading osamu dazai’s “no longer human” recently, and i relate to it quite a bit. human beings are so horrifying, how am i even supposed to make friends that i won’t hurt or get tired of? these days i prefer just being alone. it’s so much easier to control my actions when i’m on my own. other people are unpredictable, or so predictable to the point of wondering why i even try to be someone different than who i am. how am i supposed to make friends again when i get so exhausted talking to anybody? i just like being alone atp. less people get hurt and less people misunderstand me. i dont know what i’m looking for from posting this but i really feel like socialization isn’t worth it anymore.

i’ve been told by a lot of people that i always have somethjng negative ti say in response to something positive they’re trying to say to make me feel better, and it ends up making them feel like it doesn’t even matter that they’re trying to help me. i don’t want to be like this but i genuinely don’t know how to remind myself not to do this because i don’t recognize it when im happening. how can i change this habit?

this is about myself. im really upset with myself and i acknowledge i have no will to want to change. i delude myself into thinking i want to, and that i am better than people who fall into stagnation, but the moment the opportunity arose for me to sit on my useless ass all day, i took it. i gave myself excuses of “i had no choice” because i didn’t bother applying to more jobs, i wasted all my money, and i had nobody to talk to (even though i isolate myself from the few people who do still care about me. im a lazy bitch with no aspirations or drive to change. i want everyday to be the same, and this used to drive me crazy, but now i don’t leave my house or speak to anyone. i just watch movies all day. i don’t make any money, but i spend hundreds of it. my parents are keeping me afloat and i wish they never had me to begin with. i avoid starting literally anything out of fear of failure. so tell me why i still feel the need to pity myself and cry about how i want to die? what right do i have to take myself out of this world when i have it so fucking easy for any 20 something year old? what right do i have to feel this level of loneliness, loss, and inadequacy when it is all self inflicted? i wish my parents never gave birth to me, and it’s been something i’ve been thinking about a lot. why would you bring someone into this world without their consent? why would you have a child if you could not raise it right? why would you get mad at that child for being born mentally ill when you chose to birth them? i wish i didn’t exist. the world would’ve been so much better without me in it and i’m at a point where i seriously think i might just settle for a comfortable and easy life working with my family business, cuz the other option is suicide, and i genuinely believe anyone who finds out i killed myself is just going to be extremely angry that i didn’t even try to change or do better. i just quit. so im stuck. im stuck living a life i never asked for but i have no will to wanna change it because its easy. i wish i could just kill myself so nobody would ever have to worry about me again, but it would make people hate me more, and i value popularity over actual happiness. i don’t know how im supposed to make myself do anything, i don’t want to leave my room most days. i just wanna die.

i can’t give details because im scared of being found out. i have nothing but my looks and sex skills. ive smoked my brains away, i have no money or job, my family is in debt, i was evicted and lost all of my friends and they blocked me everywhere, and i straight up just have not changed since middle school. im living with my parents right now and living in bed. i don’t do anything. i don’t contribute to society in any way. i can’t even draw or make fanart. i want to die. i seriously legitimately want to die. i think about cutting so frequently that ive started dreaming about it, but i won’t do it because if my mom saw more scars on me, she’d lose it. i don’t want scars because i don’t want any sexual partners (who im avoiding like the plague right now) to look at me like damaged goods or try to make me feel better. i don’t deserve any sympathy. the first time my mom found out i cut myself wasn’t great. she’d spiral into despair if she found out one more thing wrong with me. i stopped eating for months because i didnt think i deserved food, and i wanted to be in pain to torture myself. i hoped my body would just fail and i would die but everyone in my life became so concerned about my weight loss, i had to start eating again so people wouldn’t worry. i don’t want to breathe. i don’t want to speak. i don’t want to make anything new because i just feel like anything that circles back to me will always be manipulative and selfish. i can’t reach out to anyone because i know word about me has spread everywhere. i was a bum and that’s what led to this, and im still a fucking bum. i want to die. i don’t even like the idea of posting this because im scared someone i know might find it. i don’t respond to messages or calls or even leave my house because i don’t want to risk disappointing anyone with my existence. i don’t want to even try and make more friends because a large majority of my friends have all left for similar reasons since i was really young. i won’t change and i’m so angry at myself. i just want to stay inside forever. i wanna die. i seriously wish i could just cut myself freely so that i don’t have to run away from responsibilities via suicide. i shouldn’t be given anything kind ever again.

last summer, i (22f) was hooking up with a friend (23f). everything was consensual up until this point, but near the end i wasn’t really feeling it anymore so i said “i think i wanna continue this later”. we were in the backseat and i was between her legs at the time and about to go down on her, but i was feeling anxious. she didn’t respond, but she picked me up from the floor and laid me down on the seat to position me under her, at this point i was freaking out cuz i thought i ended the interaction. i’d been sexually coerced by an ex girlfriend in high school everyday, where she would outright ignore me telling her to stop or that i didn’t want to continue, so i learned to play along because i didn’t have a lot of choice about whether or not we continued. this threw me into a similar state of mind, this friend at the time i had told i wasn’t good with fast position changes or movements but i don’t think i explained myself very well. i said this to them cuz the time we hooked up before then, they had startled me by getting on top of me really fast (which i told them scared me) and assuming the dominant position just because i was nervous. anyway, back to the car, they laid me down and fingered me hard without warning. i played along because i didn’t know what to do, i thought i ended the interaction but it just escalated exponentially, and i trusted her so i thought maybe i misunderstood. i confronted her about this a few months ago and she took full accountability, but recently, she told me she had a vivid memory of asking me if she could take off my underwear (“can i take these off?”) to which i nodded before fingering me. i didn’t remember this at all at the time, but it makes sense and i can imagine it happening. i told her i think i nodded mindlessly because after she picked me up like a rag doll, i just kind of checked out. i was very confident in calling this rape before, but now with this new information being brought up that i have some recollection of happening, i’m not sure. she technically did ask before doing anything, but i didn’t know what she was gonna do and she still escalated after i’d said “i want to continue this later”. i don’t know. i feel like i just wasn’t clear enough and me checking out and nodding in blind faith is my responsibility, not hers. it freaked me out really badly, and it still does, but i don’t trust my mind or myself. is this rape or am i just frigid and bad at communicating?… how much of this was her responsibility and how much of it was mine? i don’t know.