u/Buffy_Bean

My Dad texted me to ask how much money I have in my savings this afternoon.

He said he needed to know as a part of filing our annual tax returns… which aren’t due to be filed until end of the year anyway, so I’m not even sure if this was true?

I am a 30 year old woman and my Dad has his accountant handle my tax return each year (same for my Mum and adult sister).

Whenever that time of year comes around, when he asks how much money I’ve made, my stomach is in knots knowing that it won’t be enough to impress him.

When I’ve said I’d like to handle things myself in the past, he has spiralled into paranoia and accused me of trying to hide things from him. He also threw in allegations of financial abuse against my partner for good measure.

I don’t want to answer him. I’m never doing well enough by his standards, so I can either tell the truth and be torn apart, lie and feel like a fraud, or ignore the question which will instigate paranoia and suspicion from him.

My partner and I are running our own business which is going fairly well, but it took time for us to get here, as it does with any business starting out.

For the first couple of years, we admittedly did struggle, but did our best to persevere and stay afloat, whilst also battling adversity in other areas.

During this time, it was almost impossible to set any boundaries with my Dad, who wanted to know all of the intricate details of our business and financial situation. He made me feel like a total failure when he pressured me into admitting that I didn’t have any real savings back then.

I know it was mostly because he cares about me, but I also feel like he ties his self worth to his financial success, and so has to see anyone who is not doing well financially as an abject failure. Therefore, the realisation that I, as his daughter, could fall into that category, was too much for him.

Now, our business is doing well, but it is exhausting to feel constantly scrutinised by someone from afar, as if they’re holding their breath just waiting for you to be revealed as a failure.

My Dad has done well to be very successful in life, and has been generous with me, our immediate and extended family. I’m very aware of and grateful for this, so I don’t feel as if I have a right to ask him to butt out of my finances now.

But is it fair for me to feel like this question is an invasion of privacy? My partner says it’s not normal for a parent to ask this of an adult daughter. I agree, but I know my Dad would throw everything he has provided for us in my face and accuse me of being ungrateful if I point this out.

I’m trying my hardest to be independent right now - moving out at 30 felt like an act of treason for leaving his orbit. I just don’t know if I’m right to feel this way, or if I’m a complete brat. I’m constantly confused by swinging from rage to crushing guilt.

My Dad texted me to ask how much money I have in my savings this afternoon.

He said he needed to know as a part of filing our annual tax returns… which aren’t due to be filed until end of the year anyway, so I’m not even sure if this was true?

I am a 30 year old woman and my Dad has his accountant handle my tax return each year (same for my Mum and adult sister).

Whenever that time of year comes around, when he asks how much money I’ve made, my stomach is in knots knowing that it won’t be enough to impress him.

When I’ve said I’d like to handle things myself in the past, he has spiralled into paranoia and accused me of trying to hide things from him. He also threw in allegations of financial abuse against my partner for good measure.

I don’t want to answer him. I’m never doing well enough by his standards, so I can either tell the truth and be torn apart, lie and feel like a fraud, or ignore the question which will instigate paranoia and suspicion from him.

My partner and I are running our own business which is going fairly well, but it took time for us to get here, as it does with any business starting out.

For the first couple of years, we admittedly did struggle, but did our best to persevere and stay afloat, whilst also battling adversity in other areas.

During this time, it was almost impossible to set any boundaries with my Dad, who wanted to know all of the intricate details of our business and financial situation. He made me feel like a total failure when he pressured me into admitting that I didn’t have any real savings back then.

I know it was mostly because he cares about me, but I also feel like he ties his self worth to his financial success, and so has to see anyone who is not doing well financially as an abject failure. Therefore, the realisation that I, as his daughter, could fall into that category, was too much for him.

Now, we’re doing ok, but it is exhausting to feel constantly scrutinised by someone from afar, as if they’re holding their breath just waiting for you to be revealed as a failure.

My Dad has done well to be very successful in life, and has been generous with me, our immediate and extended family. I’m very aware of and grateful for this, so I don’t feel as if I have a right to ask him to butt out of my finances now.

But is it fair for me to feel like this question is an invasion of privacy? My partner says it’s not normal for a parent to ask this of an adult daughter. I agree, but I know my Dad would throw everything he has provided for me in my face and accuse me of being ungrateful if I point this out.

I’m trying my hardest to be independent right now - moving out at 30 felt like an act of treason for leaving his orbit. I just don’t know if I’m right to feel this way, or if I’m a complete brat. I’m constantly confused by swinging from rage to crushing guilt.