u/BustedBarnicles

I was doing weekly therapy and seeing a psychiatrist every two weeks, and DBT and intensive outpatient was recommended to me.

I did it, I signed up for IOP then found out it'll cost an arm and a leg because insurance fucking sucks. I have been so stressed, overwhelmed, and honestly so fucking lost that I committed to it anyways because what are my other options. I needed something now so virtual IOP it was. It's nine hours of group each week and an hour of one-on-one, or it's supposed to be.

It's been so frustrating so far and it's kinda been making me worse. I got put into a brand new group so I ended up getting merged with other groups almost every single session besides today. I heavily rely on consistency to be able to be comfortable really opening up and that just hasn't happened yet and it's week three. Twenty seven hours of group and it's still not consistent, and I'm having an incredibly hard time being able to regulate. Today was the only session I didn't cry after.

Oh yeah, the one hour of one-on-one therapy that I'm supposed to be doing, hasn't fucking happened. The original therapist assigned to me had to reschedule, and I also have to move it to a different day of the week and I guess that's fucked me over.

I had to pester them into reaching out for rescheduling. Now I find out that the availability in my state is just scarce. I ask for something on Friday, nope. I ask for something on Saturday, nope. I finally just wrote out my entire schedule/routine because asking for a certain time then having to wait for hours just to be told no, feels shitty. Then this person tries to offer an appointment during my working hours and apparently it's all they can offer.

They told me they were gonna talk to their supervisor to try and figure something out. That was five hours ago. I'm trying so hard to be patient with the program, but I am genuinely starting to lose my shit. I've been in waiting mode for three fucking days I haven't been able to do shit besides distracting myself. Three weeks and no one-on-one.

The only reason I went with virtual IOP was because it's supposed to be accommodating of work and lack of transportation and so far they've been failing me.

Is it even worth spending all this money to technically learn things I already know. That's another thing, I've found out that I already use a lot of the DBT skills they're teaching. It hasn't been super effective because I have a hard time identifying my own emotions(they haven't really talked about how to improve that skill). The people I'm in the most contact with aren't receptive to it because they're emotionally abusive. I can't exactly practice with them. The last hour of group, I shared some of my life, then ended up being talked at by the facilitator giving me advice I've already done or I'm trying. Maybe I'm just too fucking self aware for this shit to work.

They talk about distress tolerance and building that skill. What happens if I've been conditioned to tolerate all stress, to the point that I've completely lost who I am because all I've been doing is surviving. I want to learn how to actually live.

It seems like when I do bring up my issues and all the intricacies of my situation, all they can offer is trying to build positive memories, and value the small things.

I need to get out of this fucking house away from these fucking people, but I'm literally trapped. Even if I could find somewhere else to live it has to be in walking distance to some sort of job cause I can't drive or afford a fucking car. I probably wouldn't be allowed to stay more than a month, because I can't fucking clean, I can barely see my bedroom floor. I have tried everything, I don't need advice about that right now.

Not to mention I can't even work full-time and every job that offers health insurance requires you to be full-time. I'm honestly surprised my current job has let me keep my insurance after switching to part-time. I probably could apply for state insurance but not while I'm living with family because the household income is too fucking high for me to qualify.

I am completely on my own financially, mom's too poor, grandparents too narcissistic. I'm almost completely on my own emotionally, only person I can rely on is my boyfriend and even then I see how much it's starting to wear down on him. I've been thinking he'd probably be off not dating me but fuck I love him so much. I just hate how much distress I've been putting him through and I don't want to see him hurting anymore. It's the entire reason why I even started going to therapy, because I want to be better for him, I want to be able to enjoy life with him. I'm just stuck in some fucked up cycle of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. I can't remember a time where I genuinely felt safe with my family.

If you've made it this far, thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

On mobile so the format might be weird.

Does anyone else have a deep hatred for the emotions wheel?

I just don't fucking understand it. Every time I mention having a hard time identifying my emotions it gets thrown at me, and guess what I still can't identify the fucking emotion. Like thanks for giving me a tool but not teaching me how to use it. It's giving me a word bank with no word search. Every time a therapist brings it out and 'it's surprise Pikachu face' when I'm still confused and unsure with what I'm feeling. The only thing I can identify at that moment is annoyance and frustration because I don't know how to use it, and it keeps being thrown at me with no explanation.

There are so many times that I think I feel one way but then don't act like it or turns out later in the day I fucking throw up so I guess I was irritated cause I was sick??!? Or am I sick because I'm stressed??? It just so fucking confusing. I don't understand myself or my body. I hate it.

How do I actually learn to use it effectively? "Oh have you tried noting how your body physically feels in certain moments" I keep fucking forgetting to. Whenever I know I'm feeling a certain emotion, anger, frustration, hopelessness, I get fucking consumed by it and can't even think about checking in with my body and noting it. It takes me looking back and reflecting for an entire day or more to realize what I was feeling, by the time I finally figured it out I don't remember the physical sensations.

I just feel like shit all of the time and that makes it hard to differentiate between the bad emotions. Genuine and joy and happiness are easy because it's not a feeling that happens frequently enough so it glaringly stands out. The rocking, hand flapping, and giggling squeals are joy or excitement, that I know because it physically feels good. I can feel the happiness chemicals going off. Versus being constantly put down or shamed and just dealing with depression, trauma, and lack of support led to a near constant 'feeling bad' that I can't tell what is what. I'm just so tired of seeing it just confuses me more.

So basically I've been going through a really hard time in my life, like I was considering inpatient because of mental health. I ended up signing up for intensive outpatient instead.

This past year I was smoking as a harm reduction tactic, and it works, I was ok being in a shitty situation with shitty family relationships and almost no social life.

I've had to quit because of a medication I was put on, they tend to have bad interactions. I do want to be sober, but I don't know if I can handle getting over the hurdle, hitting two months sober. I don't have enough support and I've been falling back into hurting myself more and more. I'm just so overwhelmed with bad emotions and a lot of self hate.

I've been thinking is it even worth it right now if I'm only gonna end up hurting myself more. I know smoking is only hurting me in the long run but at least I wasn't hitting myself as often as I am now.

All the things that are supposed to help make it easier, distractions, hobbies, going out enjoying nature, or just finding activities I enjoy sober is not easy to do when I'm already depressed as shit and can't afford my hobbies. I've tried distracting myself binge watching shows, but I find myself just deeper in my head to the point where I can't focus on anything else.

I feel I'm at my wits end at this point, I told my psychiatrist what's up and her response was another medication added. As soon as my adhd meds wear off its time to basically sedate myself. It just feels like she's ignoring the bigger picture, no emotional support or connection from family, no social life because work takes everything I have even on the medication.

I feel like I'm stuck because the system is broken and I literally can't afford to live on my own, get a car, feed myself properly, get treatment, and afford my medications. I have to give up so much just to get mental health treatment because it's so absurdly expensive in the US.

I have to give up anything fun just to afford it. I have to give up any whimsy I had, but then I find out if I don't have any whimsy, my brain essentially starts shutting down (adhd and mostly likely autism) No motivation to take care of myself, no motivation to work, no motivation to socialize or to change anything.

I know weed killed my motivation too but at least I didn't hate myself so much when I was high.

I don't know I'm just hoping I'm not alone as I feel. I'm not exactly seeking advice but I'll listen anyways.

I'm pretty sure I'm going through autistic burnout.

I want to rest and recover, but I simply can't afford it. I can't take time off of work, I don't have any support from my family emotionally or financially. I'm figuring out how to be an adult basically all on my own. I have to make my own appointments for everything which is something I had to beg my mom to do when I was still a minor. I am fully financially responsible for myself the only thing I don't pay is rent, thanks to my grandparents.(even though they're emotionally abusive) I frequently have to lend my mom money which I've been able to pull back from a bit recently.

Any other jobs I've been looking at don't offer insurance. The only way for me to make more money where I currently work is to become a manager. I'm not fucking doing that, I've been a manager and I fucking hated it. It's just never ending masking, pretending to care about every little thing, all the small talk I was forced to start because if I didn't I was a bad manager. Not to mention they wont even promote me cause I can't drive.

I feel like I'm getting close to the point of it starting to physically affect me (more than it already does) I'm terrified of being hospitalized simply because I can't afford it and my insurance sucks ass.

I can't afford an official diagnosis nor could I go to all the sessions anyways because I'm fucking broke and need to work if I wanna eat or afford my phone bill. I've been peer reviewed and my therapist works with a lot of neurodivergent folks and she doesn't have any doubt that I'm autistic. Not to mention by treating myself like I'm autistic, I feel better.

I'm guessing I'm around level one support needs and I know I'm high masking because of trauma.

I have been officially diagnosed with adhd, depression, anxiety, and insomnia.

How the fuck am I supposed to get support if the only way to get any sort of gov assistance is to be officially diagnosed. Even then, assistance for level one support needs is basically non-existent. All my money is already going to therapy and psychiatrist appointments, and I'm gonna put myself in debt going into intensive outpatient.

What do I do when it seems like everything is against my existence?

I feel stuck, like I can't do anything. I've been diagnosed with adhd and started meds for it. While I do have more baseline energy, I still can't do anything. This shit was supposed to help with executive dysfunction, maybe it does but I still don't know where to start. I was thinking it was pda but idk if it fits.

I have so many boxes to go through but the moment I say to myself "ok it's time to tackle one box" I freeze idk why and it's so fucking frustrating. I want to have a clean room and be tidy but I can't and I hate myself for it.

It probably doesn't help that my inability to keep my room clean was something I was constantly shamed for even to this day. "Why do you let it get so bad in the first place?" " I don't understand why you can't do it." "Your dirty room is probably making your mental health worse." "You know your room is disgusting, why don't you do anything about it?" Like mother fuckers you never taught me! I was primarily raised by a hoarder(dad) and my mom lets her space get awful but still cleans everything every few months in the middle of the night.

I just hate this feeling like I can't do anything, like I'm not good enough, like I can't function like I'm supposed to. I've tried breaking it into smaller tasks, but seeing all the small tasks I need to do is overwhelming. I've tried timers but they don't work for me. I've tried podcasts, audiobooks, youtube, background shows, music, and complete silence. I can't exactly change my environment up because if I put my shit in any other room I get fucking yelled at.

The idea of letting someone help me clean is terrifying, like my room has always been my safe space and letting someone in means they're going to judge me. If someone moves my shit without me knowing or even just goes in my room I freak out, it's like they're looking into my soul.

I feel like I've tried all the tips and tricks for getting started and sometimes I do start but halfway through I abandoned it and now I've been sleeping with a pile of laundry for over a month.

Idk I just feel hopeless and frustrated with the lack of support now and support that I've never fucking got.

I was recently diagnosed with adhd and prescribed generic Vyvanse. My psychiatrist told me I can't smoke weed anymore and it kinda fucking sucks.

I've been smoking almost every day for the past 4 years and having to cold turkey quite is rough. Only started smoking cause of my mom. She told me it would help with anxiety and depression and it did but then I was smoking too much and she never said anything like slow down or taught moderation(fucked up I know)

Unfortunately I'm not able to eat well enough consistently to prevent hardcore crashes when Vyvanse wears off, coupled with being over emotional from withdrawals it leads to meltdowns. (I'm pretty sure I'm autistic, but I can't afford a diagnosis where I live.)

Right now I don't think I can handle both like I was able to eat enough protein and have enough electrolytes one day and it was great. Not being able to do that consistently because of funds or work schedule fucking blows and idk what to do. I was really hoping shit would start to be easier now that I'm medicated.

I have to wait till tomorrow to call the office cause they're closed fucking great.

I do feel better after writing it out, so thank you for listening to me scream into the void. I hope your day is going well.

I've noticed that I've always struggled with moderation in many aspects of my life, food, media, THC, and it's becoming a big problem.

I'd eat an entire bag of chips in one sitting not because I was hungry or necessarily out of boredom. It's because I was sensory seeking, I liked experiencing the taste, texture, and smell. Like I get obsessed with it and I can't put it down and when I can't continue snacking (when I run out) I get frustrated and irritable. It's like I have a hard time transitioning from eating to not eating.

Media hyper-fixations are normal but I feel like I take it to a new level. I'll binge shows, like I can't stop after a few episodes and I have to bring it everywhere. Washing my face, I'm watching it, getting dressed, eating, doing chores if I'm not too distracted. Most of the time it does distract me, I'll put off hygiene, eating and cleaning in efforts to finish the show, in order to keep thinking of it. When the show is over I'll move to fanfiction. I'll get locked in and all of a sudden I've read over 20,000 words in one sitting barely moving. When I've exhausted the fanfiction and I don't have anything new lined up it's like I become a shell.

I know the main reason why I struggle so much with it was because I was never taught moderation and I didn't see good examples of it growing up. My dad was the same way with shows, if he starts it he has to finish it asap. My parents never really monitored my eating so I never got guidance on healthy food relationships.

Let me tell you when I first started smoking weed my mom was relieved. She's a daily smoker and she always praises how good weed is, and yeah it did help. I was less anxious and irritable, but she never told me that maybe I was smoking too much. I most definitely was especially at 17 years old. Again she never monitored or noticed my intake so I ended up smoking almost all day every day. I was getting high at school, at work, basically any setting/situation that you shouldn't be high during, I was, about 80% of the time. Now I'm a fucking addict, and I'm just now coming to terms with that. A once useful tool has become the shovel digging my grave.

Basically I realized the biggest issue I have is moderation because one I was never taught, two ADHD and autism just inherently make it harder.

I'm just screaming into the void but if anyone else experiences this, you're not alone and if you got any tips or tricks I don't mind hearing them.