u/Busy_Angel

My lolo has always been one of the bravest and most prideful people I know. Even when he has difficulty walking, he refuses to ask for help because he says na he can still do things on his own. But deep down, I think he just doesn’t want us to feel like he’s a burden.

Even when I was a kid, there was an incident in our province where someone went on a rampage and several people were killed or injured. While others were hiding, my lolo didn’t. He even grabbed an itak to protect my lola and us, kanyang mga apo, who were still very young at the time.

Yesterday, I was about to go home to get some sleep, but he held my hand and asked me to stay until he fell asleep. Then he said, “[Nickname] ko, natatakot ako. Mamatay na ata ako.” Na-stroke kasi siya and currently sa ICU.

That was the first time I ever heard my lolo say na he was afraid.

I was already holding back my tears, but I didn’t want him to see me break down. I just told him, “Hindi ako papayag.” So I stayed beside him and waited until he fell asleep, holding his hand tightly the whole time.

I really hope it’s not time yet. But if it ever is, I think this will also be my first time na mawalan ng mahal sa buhay.

Since the incident (from my previous post), I've felt like I'm slowly losing myself. As time goes by, I feel na my anxiety has only gotten worse. Not because I reported what happened, but because I'm exhausted, and I can clearly sense the retaliation from some of the managers. Tbh, I don't really care about what they think anymore. They've done this before.

Before I sleep every Sunday, I find myself crying because Monday is coming. I don't want to resign because I genuinely love my job. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I don't understand why it's been so difficult for them to see that, beyond the incident itself, all I wanted was for cases like this to be handled better. No one chooses to go through something like this. I didn't choose what happened to me. I understand that people make mistakes, but there were so many opportunities to do better.

I'm tired.

For the first time in my life, I've been having dark thoughts, and that scares me.

I just want to be okay again, not only for myself, but also for the people who care about me. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if I had never acknowledged what happened or had simply stayed silent and moved on. But deep down, I know I would have resented myself for not standing up for myself.

I miss the person I was before this happened. I miss the bond our team used to have. And strangely, I even miss the version of my boss I thought I knew before the incident.

I don't think what hurts me the most anymore is just the inappropriate physical contact. It's everything that came after, the way it was handled, the minimizing of the act, the (feels like) retaliation, and realizing how easily people can choose comfort over doing the right thing.

I just wish this had been handled better. Maybe I'd be healing by now instead of feeling like I'm breaking a little more each week. Hay.