u/CCIVtoMoon

TLDR: Girlfriend said I dismissed, invalidated, and gaslit her because I didn’t naturally leave while watching Dharr Mann with my family. In particular, she was referring to episodes like “Ugly girl tries to fit in with pretty/popular girls”. I explained I understand she’s anxious and I can start leaving during those episodes, but I’m just there to spend time with my little sister & mom and that it’s a wholesome show meant for kids, and I didn’t mean any disrespect. The screenshots and chaos ensued. Was I really invalidating/dismissing/gaslighting?

I know this is a super long post. Feel free to just look at the screenshots. I’m really hurt, confused, and scared. I would like some clarity from you guys - I know it’s a long post, but I deeply appreciate anyone willing to read and give their perspective.

My girlfriend was anxious after I told her I had watched Dharr Man with my little sister and mom. I enjoy spending time with my family this way and we have fun laughing at the bad acting.

While anxious, my gf looked up episodes and started clicking through them, landing on one that she described as “Ugly girl does challenges to get into the popular/pretty girls group.” She approached me in a hostile/frustrated tone over call, and asked if I’d get up and leave if an episode like that came on while I was watching with my family.

I explained that I understand she’s anxious, and I promised I don’t check out the girls or think they’re attractive at all (she’s frequently concerned about this, so I preemptively reassured her), but I answered no, I normally wouldn’t get up and leave because: it’s a wholesome show meant for kids, the episodes are typically about middle or high schoolers, and I’m less concerned about the content and more concerned with spending time with my family, so I’m usually just talking with my sister or mom and not paying attention anyways.

She became extremely upset. I said that even though I normally wouldn’t before, I can start getting up and leaving if she’d like because I care about her anxiety & comfort. She got even more upset, started yelling and crying, saying it was so disrespectful for me to sit there and watch those episodes, that I should have known to avoid that, that’s I’m dismissing her anxiety and invalidating her feelings, and that I’m gaslighting her. She then threatened to break up and abruptly hung up on me.

When she’s hung up on me abruptly in the past (which has happened quite a few times), she’s gotten upset with me for not chasing/asking her to come back and has told me that I should do that when she hangs up on me. The screenshots below are what followed after the hangup. I was already really hurt and frustrated over her threatening to breakup yet again, despite many many many conversations about how hurtful and unhealthy that is and no improvement .

To give her perspective, she thinks “Why would I ever want you to watch something based solely on looks?” and that I disrespected her by doing so. To her credit, she was on SNRI withdrawal (she has BPD), but to me, this exact type of behavior (meaning the demeaning words along with the breakup threats) is something I’ve experienced at least once and almost twice a week, every single week, for the year and half we’ve been together. She apologizes when I bring it up and says she’ll stop every time, but doesn’t change her behavior.

From her point of view, her intense and very hurtful reactions are caused entirely by my invalidation/dismissing her feelings, just like how in this situation, me mentioning the show being for kids and that I was just trying to spend time with family was a dismissal and invalidation of her. She says at many points that I’m abusive, I have no emotional intelligence, I have no empathy, I’m a narcissist or have some kind of personality disorder, that there’s something wrong with me, and that my chronic invalidation is what causes her to act the way she does.

From my perspective, her extreme reactions are a symptom of her BPD, and when she aggressively accuses me of disrespect during what I perceive as normal activities (such as watching Dharr man with my family), she puts me in a place where I have to defend and justify my actions - which she perceives as dismissing, invalidating, and gaslighting.

She tells me all of her friends/family agree with her and that they constantly say (which she tells me in very hurtful ways ;_;) that she should break up with me and that she deserves better. She says that she’s not giving them biased accounts of the disagreements at all. At the same time, she prevents me from talking to friends or family about our issues whatsoever, so I haven’t, while she doesn’t follow this rule (that she herself set) to the slightest. I’m at the point where I used to be confident in my thought process and the perspective I talked about earlier, but I’ve been heavily doubting my thinking and would like a reality check. She’s also completing her doctorate in clinical psychology, so it especially makes me doubt my own thinking because it is literally her field.

After those messages, she called me and spent over an hour telling me how inappropriate the Dharr Mann episodes were while I sat there in silence and massive hurt. She then ghosted me for over 24 hours. I have my own anxiety and fear of abandonment, so it put me in a panicked state to be ignored like that, especially after her hurtful things. During those 24 hours, I expressed my hurt, which she completely ignored and still hasn’t acknowledged nearly 2 days later. Instead, she is almost exclusively communicating with me about scheduling couples counseling because she says I need therapy.

I know some of my messages were dismissing her feelings on the Discord thread. I was already massively hurt and in a bad mental spot after her yelling, her breakup threat, and her leaving call, so it was hard for me to remain stable. I’m more concerned with what I told her while on call that made her threaten to break up and hang up on me - was I invalidating her because of what I said?