Give me your hurt songs?
Hi all
Never posted here before, tried to a few days back but I assume it was refused.
For those who are/have had to walk away from a BPD loved one, give me your playlist that helps you
Whether its to grieve, to express/feel the pain while not being able to turn off loving them etc.
Im in the midst of forcing them to leave because she's killing me. I, and everyone else, have done everything they possibly can for her, the next steps she has to take herself (therapy, doing the workl).
I dont know how to explain my situation without writing a novel.
The short form, I am 46F widowed no bio-kids. I stepped in to help her (now 28F) who was going through major trauma, NC with her actual family due to the abuse that caused the BPD.
In the beginning, she desperately wanted and needed the mentor, the parent who cared and wouldnt push her away, who would teach her.
I am a former medical professional so Im the one who got her diagnosed, medicated for multiple conditions etc.
When she first moved in with me, she had just ended a "relationship" with a fiancé who was a decade older and had been grooming her since she was 14.
Initially, we were just part of the same hobby, and she was learning that she could have boundaries, didnt have to use the cutesy anime voice and outfits to fit what others wanted her to be.
I took this on knowingly, to help her, and put rebuilding my own life on hold.
The last 18 months has been hell. She fucks around with her meds (ie doesnt take them everyday like she should, which as many of you know makes things worse), she KNOWS and does it anyway. She is not uneducated because she has a personal fecking nurse in me.
I dont have the easy words to explain how abusive she has become, even while I still trying to help her.
6 weeks ago I finally told her she has to leave. Everyday is horrific. The accusations and narratives that she is telling herself about me I cant even fathom. Its far beyond being able to talk rationally and get her to see the problem
She has "friends" who haven't been here to pick up the pieces of her life for the last 4 yrs, but she is telling them a sob story like I am just the next monster in her life, and of course they back her up because its only her narrative they are hearing.
I am on the verge of a breakdown because I have been begging her for months to communicate, do SOMETHING, I just cant even explain how nasty it is now.
She won't even make sure her "service dog" has food and clean water. The only reason he is still here is because I am the breeder and trainer and I have cared for him
But at almost 4 yrs old, if she cant get it through her head that he is always priority, that she takes are of her eating and bathroom.
She struck out physically for the first time back in October and I had to pin her to the ground.
Hasn't happened again, but its there.
I am literally going bald from the stress, I lose handfuls of hair every time I try to shower or even put it in a ponytail.
I am someone who has my own chronic health issue and major problems of my own, but Im still carrying this person, I have fixed all of the problems caused by people who too advantage (leased a brand new car, with NO LICENSE for them to drive and similar issues).
Im sure many of you know what im dealing with.
Please give me the songs that help you.
The song Hate Me by Blue October is impactful. But everything I try to look up talks about intimate partner type relationships, not parental role etc.
Im rambling, hopefully this is allowed. If not I apologize.