u/CalligrapherWeird625

Another day, another best friend turned flying monkey :( I’m proud of myself for setting the boundary but I’m so tired of this happening.
Friend has always been incredibly opinionated and a little blunt but it became unbearable about 3 months after I left my NEX. I feel like everything I do is wrong according to her and I’m tired of the unsolicited opinions. I’m just organically sharing my life with her in my mind, but I get lectures on forgiveness, not gossiping, you name it. I don’t similarly lecture her even though I don’t think she does everything right on the planet. The incident that set me off is that she essentially called me a tattletale for opening up to a male friend about something my husband did and my male friend showed support by wanting to help me speak to his pastor and get some encouragement/advice. That obviously hurt my feelings because I don’t think I’m a tattletale.

It got to the point where I said I think we should remove my husband as a topic of conversation between us because I always feel unsupported when we talk about it. It’s gotten to this point before but she always got me to back down my boundary because according to her our friendship would be inauthentic if I didn’t share everything with her. This time I stood my ground and she didn’t like that. I got told that I need someone to hold me accountable for things and she hopes that I will seek that elsewhere because she has a right to be concerned due to finding me to be manipulative when it comes to my NEX in the past. I pointed out a sin that I know she struggles with and the fact that I know this but never lecture her because I trust her to come to me if she needs advice. She said that her situation is different. She said she thinks my boundary is dramatic, extreme, and unnecessary. She said my expectations for friendship are unrealistic. I pointed out that she has me in a double bind where she expects me to share all my life with her and for her to be allowed to give her unsolicited opinions bluntly and i don’t appear to be allowed to push back and say I disagree with her opinions or that the way she expresses herself hurts my feelings. She threw it in my face that this kind of things happens a lot to me but honestly, with friends like this who needs enemies? I absolutely would rather be alone than deal with this bullshit. I’m not alone though. While I have ended several friendships due to similar issues, thankfully I do have friends. Cheers to protecting ourselves from flying monkeys!

Do you guys have any thoughts on this exchange? Do you think my expectations are realistic? What do you think are reasonable things to expect from a friend in this situation?

Feeling a bit sad for myself today because most of my friends are happy and in love. On the one hand I’m so happy for them because I want my friends to be in happy and loving relationships. On the other hand I’m feeling very sad for myself. Long history of being ghosted, dating emotionally unavailable men and finally marrying a lying abusive narcissist. Thankfully, I pulled myself together and I left him in December. We are now no contact (for the most part except divorce logistics). But I’m sitting here thinking— There’s no “one that got away” from me. I can’t think of a single person I’ve dated who was kind and healthy. Can someone give me some hope? Did you find love after all? Or am I doomed to repeat the same pattern for the rest of my life. I know part of why I have difficulty clocking the red flags early is due to not being fully healed from my narcissistic father. But I have been in therapy for a long time and I’m also no contact with my father, so part of me is like what more do I need to do to make this work?! I envy people who don’t have this conditioning 😭

(Posted in life after narcissism but it got removed due to being off topic)

Feeling a bit sad for myself today because most of my friends are happy and in love. On the one hand I’m so happy for them because I want my friends to be in happy and loving relationships. On the other hand I’m feeling very sad for myself. Long history of being ghosted, dating emotionally unavailable men and finally marrying a lying abusive narcissist. Thankfully, I pulled myself together and I left him in December. We are now no contact (for the most part except divorce logistics). But I’m sitting here thinking— There’s no “one that got away” from me. I can’t think of a single person I’ve dated who was kind and healthy. Can someone give me some hope? Did you find love after all? Or am I doomed to repeat the same pattern for the rest of my life. I know part of why I have difficulty clocking the red flags early is due to not being fully healed from my narcissistic father. But I have been in therapy for a long time and I’m also no contact with my father, so part of me is like what more do I need to do to make this work?! I envy people who don’t have this conditioning 😭

What are your experiences of your narc and porn/sex? I noticed a big difference between the way that my husband treated sex before we got married and after we got married and I’m wondering if it is due to a pornified brain. Before we got married, he initiated sex all the time. I was always kind of hesitant due to Christian guilt but usually would end up giving in. I wonder if he liked/ was turned on that I was hesitant? Because I noticed a HUGE difference when we got married. All of the sudden he never initiated sex. I initiated a lot because I liked sex with him and we were fighting so much that sex started to feel like the only intimacy we had left. It made no sense to me that now that we can have sex, all of a sudden he never initiated anymore but I really wonder if he preferred me trembling and guilty rather than enthusiastic and turned on. Bleh. Also, I’m wondering if he was watching porn. He was in the bathroom with his phone a lot but I never heard anything strange. Not that I listened next to the door or anything.

The other reason I’m starting to wonder whether he was watching porn is that I saw a mutual friend (Chris) the other day, who told me that my husband is telling people that I left him because we had a lot of arguments about his porn use. Spoiler alert: We never had an argument about his porn use nor did I know that he was using porn. I left him because he’s an abusive, lying narcissist but I guess blaming porn is easier for him. The kicker is that when we were married, my husband told me that Chris is addicted to porn and he gave Chris advice on how to stop on more than a few occasions. Now I’m wondering if that was narcissistic projection and he was actually telling Chris about his own porn use. Not only that, but when we were married my husband went on more than one rant to me about how married men who use porn are “losers” and “gay” which is just a crazy amount of cope. When my husband told me about his own porn use, he said that he used porn as a teenager but once he became an adult, he started having sex and didn’t feel the need to turn to porn anymore. The subtle vibe I always got when he told stories like this is that he viewed himself as superior for having access to sex unlike “loser” men who turn to porn to cope with their lack of sex. Again, that would be crazy if he was using porn because he was not lacking sex in our marriage by any stretch of the imagination.

I’d love to know any thoughts you guys have or your own similar experiences.

I left my husband in December of last year and we have been mostly no contact since then. (I haven’t blocked him as we have to speak occasionally for divorce related things). I can’t believe that I am STILL finding out about his lies and betrayals even after this long. I was speaking with a mutual friend (we will call him Chris) yesterday who informed me that my husband is telling people that I left him because we had a lot of fights about pornography… this is the first time I’m ever hearing that we fought about pornography. I left him because of the lies, the verbal abuse, the sexual assault, the chronic defensiveness, and the lack of accountability for any of it. He always talked to me with disgust about men who struggle with porn (we are Christian). He referred to them as losers. Ironically, when we were married, my husband told me a few different times that Chris actively struggles with pornography and confessed to him a few times. My husband had been open with me that he used to struggle with pornography but he said that he had been clean for many years (I think since he was a teenager). He told me that he gave Chris advice on how to stop because he has dealt with his porn issue in the past and was able to stop it. However, out of Chris and my husband, one is an established liar. So now I’m wondering if My husband was actually watching porn and confessing to Chris.

The mindfuckery of these relationship is just the gift that keeps on giving. Just when I think I’m gaining traction in the whole moving on thing, I get a fresh wave of betrayal that drags me back into the ocean of anger and hatred. I just want to stand on the shores of freedom and not giving a fuck.