u/Canary_Inklemine

I'm feeling completely discombobulated and confused. My husband (47) and I (40) have been together 3 years and got married in February. Prior to then, there were a few 'isolated' incidents which gave me enough pause I was unsure about proceeding with our upcoming wedding. Starting at about 3 months into our relationship, there was a pattern of fights, typically every 3-9 months, which stemmed from nights of heavy drinking which escalated into shouting matches.

My husband has always and openly been a heavy social drinker. As in, he drinks 4-10 beers probably 2-4 times per week. When we started dating, I wasn't a frequent drinker, although I did abuse alcohol at times (probably 3 or 4 times a year) to the extent I would drink an entire bottle of wine to get drunk, to avoid loneliness & negative emotions. The combination of my tendencies with my partner's has been not ideal, as my own consumption has increased to 2-3 times per week, in heavy quantities (6-12 seltzers). Just to give context. I'm uncomfortable with this heavy of usage, but I admit I freely choose to do so (although my husband admits he enables me). Most of the time, we have fun together- but the times that are not, are really bad.

So the majority of fights/incidents occured on those heavy drinking nights. I'm not sure often what exactly started the fight, but probably an innocent question or comment that one or the other took out of context. Due to the state of inebriation, both of us would escalate as rationale left the chat. A key, I usually have a pretty fuzzy recall of what occurs once I wake up the following morning. I typically remember my husband shouting at me, me trying to defend myself sometimes by hurling names (asshole) and heavy crying. My husband would inevitably recount for me every abusive antic, down to everything I called him, told him and if I physically assaulted him by kicking or punching. I was (and am) horrified, as don't recognize myself as a person who even remotely behaves that way. I'm typically very sedate and calm around others (although internally emotionally rocky at times- I suspect BPD on my behalf but I've never been diagnosed as such). I don't enjoy drama and especially despise hurting others, emotionally or otherwise. So I've always been appalled by these recounting by my partner, who almost has a spiteful glee informing me of what I did wrong.

When pushed, he will sometimes admit to his own wrongdoings and offers an apology. But only really when pushed, iirc.

I've always chalked it up to too much alcohol and maybe external stressors- both our jobs, family issues (we don't have any minor children, more like our parents' and siblings' health issues), etc. I've given a pass even for extreme events because I know I wasn't behaving well either.

This past week I awakened to a cold hard realization that my partner is..maybe not alright.

We attended a large public event together, and as is custom, enjoyed a huge volume of alcoholic beverages. At one point, my partner made a comment to our group (we were with some of his friends) which set me off; it was something personal and private that I didn't want shared with everyone. As a result I became silent and moody while continuing to drink. As the night went on, I stepped away (feeling a need to be alone, somehow, I guess- I can't exactly recall) and went into a restroom for awhile. In the meantime my husband is calling and texting to me but I wasn't even looking at my phone, I was just zoned out (drunk). When I finally emerged and he located me, he immediately went up close to me and started aggressively asking where the hell was I, and what the fuck was doing? He accused me of 'ruining everyone's night' and stated does he need to put a leash on me. I remember trying to walk away from him and him following me. I tried to get away and pushed away at him a few times. That's as best as I can recall.

The following day my husband describes the event as I was 'punching' him and that l's why he was yelling. I quickly interjected, I remembered the reason I was reacting was due to his aggression and yelling. He admitted he approached me shouting first. But continued to say I was punching him and another friend witnessed it. I was completely shattered and humiliated. In disbelief I could ever act that way, towards anyone much less him.

In response I scheduled several therapy appointments and stated my intent to quit drinking alcohol completely. My husband agreed I should go to counseling (and wanted to attend the session with me, as it's virtual) but felt quitting drinking was 'overcorrection.' I explained how horrified I was that I don't even remember exact details of this hugely public fight which frightens me. He offered to 'moderate' my drinking by counting and monitoring my drinks going forward. I reluctantly agreed to try it, amd discussed with my therapist in my next individual session.

However, yesterday we were enjoying an evening at home. He had multiple drinks and became inebriated. I drank nothing. We got along well, listened to music and joked around. Then out of nowhere my husband brought up how me punching him last week left a bruise. I was shocked, and asked to see it. He didn't want to show me, then stated it may also have been due to umping a softball tournament and getting struck in the same place I punched him. Then he lifted his shirt and revealed a large round yellowing bruise on his upper abdomen. I asked if he was saying I caused that. He said it was probably both me and being struck by the softball. I couldn't believe it. Even if I had been pushing at him to get away, or actually punching, I just can't see how it would be hard enough to leave a bruise.of that nature.

I immediately felt like I woken up to a bucket of ice water being dumped on me. It's like all the little reddish flags were ablaze in a giant red inferno. One of us has something really wrong with us. Or both of us. My gut is churning and sick at the thought that I could be a monster who battered my husband. Either that, or he's intentionally making this thing up. There's just no good possibilities whatsoever.

After he told me that, I went right to bed, laid down and documented everything I could remember about our past fights. Something feels really wrong, and did all along, but I never put my finger on it or trusted that instinct for long enough to put on the brakes..my partner insisted on moving things really quickly. Another flag. We were engaged after 8 months, moved in together after 9, and married after 2.5 years. I desperately wanted to hold off on everything...but he insisted. Made comments questioning why I was unsure. I felt guilty and unappreciative at times.

I know this is so long.. I am just so scared, lonely and confused right now. Any words of wisdom, any thoughts- please share. Be honest. I just want to fix this mess and get out of this house of horrors. I want to feel.like myself again.

I'm feeling completely discombobulated and confused. My husband (47) and I (40) have been together 3 years and got married in February. Prior to then, there were a few 'isolated' incidents which gave me enough pause I was unsure about proceeding with our upcoming wedding. Starting at about 3 months into our relationship, there was a pattern of fights, typically every 3-9 months, which stemmed from nights of heavy drinking which escalated into shouting matches.

My husband has always and openly been a heavy social drinker. As in, he drinks 4-10 beers probably 2-4 times per week. When we started dating, I wasn't a frequent drinker, although I did abuse alcohol at times (probably 3 or 4 times a year) to the extent I would drink an entire bottle of wine to get drunk, to avoid loneliness & negative emotions. The combination of my tendencies with my partner's has been not ideal, as my own consumption has increased to 2-3 times per week, in heavy quantities (6-12 seltzers). Just to give context. I'm uncomfortable with this heavy of usage, but I admit I freely choose to do so (although my husband admits he enables me). Most of the time, we have fun together- but the times that are not, are really bad.

So the majority of fights/incidents occured on those heavy drinking nights. I'm not sure often what exactly started the fight, but probably an innocent question or comment that one or the other took out of context. Due to the state of inebriation, both of us would escalate as rationale left the chat. A key, I usually have a pretty fuzzy recall of what occurs once I wake up the following morning. I typically remember my husband shouting at me, me trying to defend myself sometimes by hurling names (asshole) and heavy crying. My husband would inevitably recount for me every abusive antic, down to everything I called him, told him and if I physically assaulted him by kicking or punching. I was (and am) horrified, as don't recognize myself as a person who even remotely behaves that way. I'm typically very sedate and calm around others (although internally emotionally rocky at times- I suspect BPD on my behalf but I've never been diagnosed as such). I don't enjoy drama and especially despise hurting others, emotionally or otherwise. So I've always been appalled by these recounting by my partner, who almost has a spiteful glee informing me of what I did wrong.

When pushed, he will sometimes admit to his own wrongdoings and offers an apology. But only really when pushed, iirc.

I've always chalked it up to too much alcohol and maybe external stressors- both our jobs, family issues (we don't have any minor children, more like our parents' and siblings' health issues), etc. I've given a pass even for extreme events because I know I wasn't behaving well either.

This past week I awakened to a cold hard realization that my partner is..maybe not alright.

We attended a large public event together, and as is custom, enjoyed a huge volume of alcoholic beverages. At one point, my partner made a comment to our group (we were with some of his friends) which set me off; it was something personal and private that I didn't want shared with everyone. As a result I became silent and moody while continuing to drink. As the night went on, I stepped away (feeling a need to be alone, somehow, I guess- I can't exactly recall) and went into a restroom for awhile. In the meantime my husband is calling and texting to me but I wasn't even looking at my phone, I was just zoned out (drunk). When I finally emerged and he located me, he immediately went up close to me and started aggressively asking where the hell was I, and what the fuck was doing? He accused me of 'ruining everyone's night' and stated does he need to put a leash on me. I remember trying to walk away from him and him following me. I tried to get away and pushed away at him a few times. That's as best as I can recall.

The following day my husband describes the event as I was 'punching' him and that l's why he was yelling. I quickly interjected, I remembered the reason I was reacting was due to his aggression and yelling. He admitted he approached me shouting first. But continued to say I was punching him and another friend witnessed it. I was completely shattered and humiliated. In disbelief I could ever act that way, towards anyone much less him.

In response I scheduled several therapy appointments and stated my intent to quit drinking alcohol completely. My husband agreed I should go to counseling (and wanted to attend the session with me, as it's virtual) but felt quitting drinking was 'overcorrection.' I explained how horrified I was that I don't even remember exact details of this hugely public fight which frightens me. He offered to 'moderate' my drinking by counting and monitoring my drinks going forward. I reluctantly agreed to try it, amd discussed with my therapist in my next individual session.

However, yesterday we were enjoying an evening at home. He had multiple drinks and became inebriated. I drank nothing. We got along well, listened to music and joked around. Then out of nowhere my husband brought up how me punching him last week left a bruise. I was shocked, and asked to see it. He didn't want to show me, then stated it may also have been due to umping a softball tournament and getting struck in the same place I punched him. Then he lifted his shirt and revealed a large round yellowing bruise on his upper abdomen. I asked if he was saying I caused that. He said it was probably both me and being struck by the softball. I couldn't believe it. Even if I had been pushing at him to get away, or actually punching, I just can't see how it would be hard enough to leave a bruise.of that nature.

I immediately felt like I woken up to a bucket of ice water being dumped on me. It's like all the little reddish flags were ablaze in a giant red inferno. One of us has something really wrong with us. Or both of us. My gut is churning and sick at the thought that I could be a monster who battered my husband. Either that, or he's intentionally making this thing up. There's just no good possibilities whatsoever.

After he told me that, I went right to bed, laid down and documented everything I could remember about our past fights. Something feels really wrong, and did all along, but I never put my finger on it or trusted that instinct for long enough to put on the brakes..my partner insisted on moving things really quickly. Another flag. We were engaged after 8 months, moved in together after 9, and married after 2.5 years. I desperately wanted to hold off on everything...but he insisted. Made comments questioning why I was unsure. I felt guilty and unappreciative at times.

I know this is so long.. I am just so scared, lonely and confused right now. Any words of wisdom, any thoughts- please share. Be honest. I just want to fix this mess and get out of this house of horrors. I want to feel.like myself again.