Relationship break downs after loss
Hi everyone. I’ve been an active poster on here recently as I continue to navigate the loss of my beautiful boy in NICU a couple of months ago. It was traumatic.
I’m now looking for advice when it comes to relationships and loss.
My partner and I have decided to part ways after what I would consider, a relatively good but also turbulent relationship, pregnancy and now grieving process. We’re continuing to support eachother we navigate the fall out from our loss (placenta removal operation and debrief with consultants etc.) but we have come to the decision the relationship has come to a close. Of course, our loss has exacerbated our ongoing issues (as with most - this is money, him never giving me stability on where he wants to live (Europe where he is from or Aus) and what he wants out of life. The arguments can get very heated (yelling with no one backing down) and nasty (no DV or anything of that nature). These arguments went on before the pregnancy, during and after the loss (although I do put the latter down to severe shock and grief). After a few weeks of supporting eachother - they’re back.
As I said we are being respectful given what we’re both going through but I’m also conscious we are going through a hell of a lot. Our issues have always been there and we’ve come very close to splitting a lot (I may add we also moved v. quickly - 3 months moved in together, moved cities, 5 months got our own place and 1.5 years got pregnant with our angel boy).
The pregnancy was rough - his immaturity shined through when it came to supporting me and expectations of intimacy and maintaining his social life. This adds a layer of guilt wondering - is this what brought my baby to the world early? During the birth and NICU he was amazing (5 days) and supporting me post partum he’s been great - I will admit. However - there has been continuous (and I mean weekly) chat about him wanting to return home on an ongoing basis.
Now we have lost our angel boy both of us agree we need a fresh start and stability. I feel deep down we won’t be the parents to our future children together if we fought a lot during the pregnancy and the issues are still there 2 months after our baby loss.
I know what I want in a future partner deep down who will fully support me during pregnancy (which may produce a better outcome with less stress) and start a family with someone who is committed to where we live and there’s no risk of guilt tripping to move when kids arrive.
We are going to take time away from eachother as we’ve been stuck to be hip for 3 months since the loss (not working, went away, saw family, funeral planning, hospital visits etc etc).
I am trying to work out if this is a fundamental relationship issue and I should find someone who aligns more with me and my needs. Or if we’re both just lost souls at the moment and confused about our futures given the significance of what has happened. He’s a decent guy - just not fully what I’m looking for. But I also know he’ll be an amazing dad and although not married and with no living baby - we have created a little family of our own. Thinking about starting over with someone who can’t relate to baby loss - terrifies me but also gives me confidence that it will help me move on.
Has this loss just crumbled us and do I start over looking at this as a fresh start? Or do I fight for us after we’ve had a break given what we’ve gone through?
Can anyone relate or offer a word of advice?
From a very sad Mum 🥺🪽