u/CareNo9421

This was maybe 3 weeks ago- I (36F) snooped on my boyfriend (30M) phone and saw in his search field on Instagram “cash for nudes.” Additionally, he’s been hiding his Instagram activity.

I can’t stop thinking about it and I think I need to break up with him.

I (36F) have been with my boyfriend John (30M) for 2.5 years now, we moved in together after being in our relationship for about 1.5 years. This post is going to be a little long, I’m so sorry!!! I just want everyone to have the full context. Just a little background about me: I moved to LA from out of state in August of 2023. I got together with John in February 2024. I have 1 ex I dated in my early 20’s for 3 years. Ended badly, he became physically abusive. After my first ex (37M) and I broke up, I was celibate for \~12 years. I met my current boyfriend after that period in my life. Things were great with John in the beginning of course. We ended up moving in around the 1.5 year mark. My roommate had decided to move back to her home state and I was contemplating moving back as well as I cannot really afford to live by myself. Money would be a little too tight for my liking. John and I talked, he really wanted our relationship to continue and so we made the decision to move in together. This would be John’s first time living on his own…..

First 6 months were pretty great, probably a bit of a honeymoon period. But then one day I see him like a photo on Instagram that I found to be inappropriate. It was a picture of a girl, shes on her knees on a bed, her skirt is pulled all the way up, underwear showing, & a bra top. She was promoting her new music. When I confronted John he said he only liked it “for the engagement” he is a music producer and claims to like pics to like promote his studio, etc. The thing in this case tho- there were other, non-sexual photos of her promoting the same music but he did not like any of those photos. Just the one with her crotch out. After we talked though, John agreed it wasn’t a good look and would not be engaging with photos like that again.

He kept true to his promise, but I always stayed a little sus over his Instagram activity bc after that- suddenly his Instagram was squeaky clean. I have a degree in psychology, I know behavior doesn’t just change like that overnight. But anyways, I moved on and genuinely thought don’t get upset over a minor infraction, this is something we can recover from. A few more months go by, things were good again until I couldn’t tell you exactly why, but I started to feel really disconnected from him. He wasn’t doing anything specific, but I felt this disconnect. One night we went out to dinner with his friends and his friend thanked him for coming by his apartment earlier in the day to celebrate his birthday. I was shocked he didn’t mention this to me as it’s not a big deal. Why is he choosing to not share information about his day with me? I asked him later in the car when we were alone why he didn’t mention he went to his friends earlier and he said he thought it wasn’t a big deal so he didn’t tell me. I got really upset over his lack of transparency and his callousness after having asked him several times at this point for more transparency about his daily life. Isn’t that what couples do? Share their lives? We talked again, he apologized said he could see my point of view and never meant to make me feel left out.

I honestly was almost blaming myself a little at this point bc at the time I was working 2 jobs (1 FT job during the week and 1 PT job on the weekends, I was working 7 days a week between 55-65 hours each week) and I thought maybe he’s been feeling neglected. Then maybe 2-3 weeks go by, I’m still feeling disconnected. I notice one day when I go to shower, he was acting weird. Like he was waiting for me to get in the shower to get on his phone. Long story short, later that night I check his messages while he’s sleeping. There were 2 women he was having conversations with. First woman conversation- seems like a platonic friend however they were discussing pretty intimate things (how she feels about guys, what she wants in a relationship, money discussions), 2nd woman text, it was only like 2 lines but one of them was something along the lines of “I only desire to get to know your free and adventurous spirit”

I was devastated. It felt like my heart was in my throat, I thought I might have a panic attack. It was the middle of the night tho, I tried to sleep as best as I can and left for work asap in the morning to just clear my head & think of how to confront him. I get home, he asks why I’m acting weird. I tell him what I found on his phone. We have a giant fight. I’m supposed to believe him when he tells me both of those women are just friends and nothing more. I tell him the conversation and language has made me super uncomfortable. I probably should have broken up with him at this point but I don’t. I stupidly decide to give him one more chance. 3 days later I catch him commenting on a girls Snapchat (she’s in a bikini) “goddamn.”

I confront him about this right away, tell him to pack his things & get out. He freaks out, says it was a gigantic mistake, he has a problem, claims he didn’t even realize he commented that 🤷‍♀️ I don’t believe him. He says to me that he’s going to delete his social medias bc he is realizing he has a problem. I think at this point, I was so flabbergasted that he is still doing stuff like this. For someone so intelligent, what the fuck are you doing?

The last thing I need to get out for context. Yes, I hesitantly decide to stay with him & we came up with a plan for me to check his phone everyday. Well I check. Oh I check everyday. Again, for a little while things are good again, he’s not being a creep on social media until cracks start showing. For example, I sign into his Instagram account- I see that he’s been clicking on onlyfans links. Why would he click on onlyfans links (yes multiple OF women) if he didn’t have an onlyfans? 🙄 I see him searching up female influencers who are pretty scantily clad, and the most devastating- I see in his search history the phrase “cash for nudes.” So, I’m stupid right? I should break up with this guy, right?

Other things that I have now found on his phone- I found an old onlyfans account. It was inactive but I looked through his credit history & saw that he was actively subscribed to OF girls for the first 8-9 months of our relationship. I also found really questionable voicemails from multiple women, these women seemed to be emotionally dependent on him. I also found his cash app and saw that he was sending multiple women money throughout of relationship.

So, I’m stupid right? I’ve given him too many chances, right? Please be gentle with me, I don’t have a lot of people I can talk to about this, I don’t have my family out here and I know I put myself in this situation. it don’t have a lot of relationship experience. I guess truthfully I’m looking for some reassurance that this guy is a POS that has wasted my time. Truthfully I think he has some kind of porn/internet/sex addiction and I guess I feel scared to break up with him and I’m not really sure why.