u/Careless_Scholar_204

Today is supposed to be a celebration of the day I was born.

As people around me greet me, tell me to enjoy my day, to be grateful for another year, and to look forward to what comes next, I find myself sitting here, staring into the dark, thinking about ending it all.

Before today, I didn't have a plan. But right now, the desperation is overwhelming. I’m just searching for the fastest, cleanest way to disappear.

This day only comes once a year. For weeks, I actually looked forward to it. I wasn't asking for a grand celebration or expensive gifts. I just wanted one day to be happy. That’s all. Just one day to feel light.

I just wanted a day where I could feel the same happiness I’ve spent so much time trying to give other people.

I have spent my entire life being the giver. I constantly put everyone else’s happiness above my own, making sure the people around me feel loved, celebrated, and seen. But just for today, I wanted to be on the receiving end. Just once, I wanted to feel the same warmth I keep giving away.

I guess it’s my fault for expecting anything at all. Maybe it’s also the fact that I’ve been off my medication for a month now. But man, I am so tired of feeling this low. I don't want to fight anymore.

Hi! Just trying my luck here to find friends. Down for wholesome conversations, life updates, or just ranting about our days.

Some perks of being my friend:
- Unlimited cat pictures/memes
- Low-maintenance setup (no pressure mag-reply agad)
- Wholesome chika at meme sharing

Hit me up with an intro and/or a pic of your cat (if you have, your favorite cat meme if you don’t) if you wanna be friends!

For months, I forced myself to pray for your peace. I forced myself to wish you well, to hope you find happiness, and to act like the bigger person because that’s what healing is supposed to look like.

Not anymore. I’m done wishing you well.

The numbness finally wore off, and I woke up with the sharpest clarity. I don’t want you to be happy. I hope every person you hurt becomes a memory you can’t outrun. I hope one day you look around and realize you’ve lost the people who cared for you the most, not because they stopped caring, but because you gave them every reason to leave.

I don’t wish you harm. I just hope you get exactly what you deserve.

And when that day comes, I hope no one is there to convince you that you deserved better.

For the longest time, I couldn’t move on because I couldn’t bring myself to hate you.

I replayed every good memory. I defended you in my head. I ignored every red flag because I wanted to believe the version of you that made me feel safe. Every time something went wrong, I found a way to blame myself instead.

Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe if I had been better, things would’ve been different. That’s what I kept telling myself.

But something changed. I don’t know if it’s time, distance, or simply getting tired of making excuses for someone who never deserved them. But I finally see things clearly.

I see the lies I chose to overlook. The inconsistencies. The empty promises. The way your words never matched your actions. And for the first time, I think I’m starting to hate you. I’m starting to hate you because you made me believe I was safe with you.

I remember telling you that. I trusted you enough to say those words out loud. I let my guard down because I believed you would protect the parts of me that I rarely showed anyone.

Instead, your words became the very thing I now question, and your actions became the proof that I was wrong to trust them.

The saddest part is that I spent so long blaming myself for losing someone who was never honest enough to deserve my trust in the first place.