u/Casual_Casually

Sasuke just stared at Kakashi in utter dafuckment. Out of all this time the man had been his sensei, only now he sees the absolute drivel he spews on a daily basis. Out of all the time Sasuke had known his teammates(first classmates) they had never once done something that could be described as a kekkei genkai.

"Now what in the Nibi's left tit are you babbling about?"

"Does the Nibi even have tits?"

"I wouldn't know, I've never seen it."

"Right well, like I was saying, they both have a kekkei genkai, theirs is just minor and don't have a visual cue."

"Like what?"

"Well, exactly what I said, everyone knows when you're using the sharingan."

"Mhm. And what exactly is their kekkei genkais?"

"Well, Naruto's is luck."

"What?"

"Luck."

"I heard you, but I don't understand. Luck isn't a kekkei genkai."

"That's what you think at first, but then you see the world literally shift it's balance to keep Naruto from dying and you think otherwise."

"I'm pretty sure that was a conveniently placed earthquake."

"It was centered underneath the enemy, the ground swallowed him whole."

"Happenstance."

"Naruto fell from a 100ft drop, he caught two birds, had them slow his fall, and landed on a giant bouncy castle."

"Coincidence."

"We were in the middle of a field!"

"..."

"Another time Naruto broke into an armed enemy encampment, all of them just so happened to be taking a nap, and when they did wake up, all of their weapons were rusty!"

"..."

"And-"

"Okay! I get it! Naruto's a lucky bastard!"

"Actually, his parents were married."

"Not gonna touch that, what about Sakura?"

"Notice how she's basically immune to genjutsu and other mind based Jutsu?"

"Yes."

"That's her kekkei genkai. It's due to the split personality in her head."

"That just sounds like mental problems with extra steps."

"You'd think that until you see her have three different conversations, one with herself, one with you, and one with her giant axes."

"Once again, sounds like mental problems with extra steps, also she has axes?"

"Yea, big ass ones too. Saw them cleave a man in two once."

"Where was I for these events?!"

"Off being an Uchiha and fighting alone as per usual."

"Oh, right."

"But, having her own little mental double makes her mind impenetrable. Though I wonder what'd happen if she learned the shadow clone Jutsu.."

"She doesn't have enough chakra for it anyway."

"Yea, you're right."

In another location, at the same time

"Naruto, are you sure these seals will work?"

"Are you doubting the special Naruto Uzumaki chakra increasing seals?"

"Yes."

"Oh.. well, don't worry, they'll work. Now make the hand sign!"

"I'm still unsure about this."

"Do you wanna get your girlfriend outta there or not."

"We aren't dating!..I think."

"Sakura, denial is a horrible state to live in."

"I'm not-"

"You came to me asking for a way to get her out of your head sometimes because she wanted to -in your words- feel you for real. If that isn't the most literal and soon to be physical definition of self-love, I don't know what is."

We aren't-"

"Didn't you two also have a mental makeout sesh?"

"How do you know about that?!"

"Remember that one d-rank where we had to clear that cave of those giant spiders and you got lost? I actually found you like 2 minuets after, but you were busy so I waited an extra 10 before making noise to alert you."

"..."

"Sniff"

"Activate the damn seals and get out of my sight before I put these axes where the sun don't shine."

"Yes mam!"

Normally when Kendo woke up in the morning there wasn't a green haired person around her age pointing a gun at her head, but then again, things can change. One punch sent the person through a wall. And now they were talking in a civilized manner.

"Wait..cupid?"

"Yes a cupid."

"I thought-"

"You were picturing the little babies with wings and bows, yes?"

"Mhm."

"Well that's seriously unethical, who would give a baby a bow?"

"Can you at least fly?"

"No, that's only for full-timers."

"Right...and what's with the gun?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you're a cupid, then why aren't you using a bow and arrow?"

"Hard to aim, limited arrow capacity, over all just it being a big unwieldy."

"And the next best option was guns?"

"Still ranged and can carry more ammo."

"...and you were about to shoot me?"

"Yes."

"What for?!"

"I have a quota to meet."

"Quota?"

"Yup, I have to make a certain amount of people fall in love each month."

"Why me?"

"Convenience."

"What?"

"Yea, you were just right there, so I figured one quick shot and boom quota met."

"Would the shot hurt?"

"Oh absolutely."

"What?!"

"I mean, you're getting shot with a real bullet. It'll heal immediately but still."

"I oughta clobber you right now!"

"You already did that- oh wait a sec."

Pulling out his gun, Midoriya shot two people who were crossing the street outside.

"..."

"They were playing will-they/won't-they for years, easier for all parties involved."

"Uh huh.."

"Welp...this has been awkward. Please let's never cross paths again, goodbye, I have a math test today."

Midoriya was standing in front of All Might, or Yagi since he was in his small form, he was informing his sensei that for the next week he'll be unable to clean the beach since he was going to America.

"That's just fine, young Midoriya! I just hope you're ready to work twice as hard in order to catch up when you get back!"

"Don't worry, I will. But I should really get going to the airport."

"Alright, tell your mother I said hello. And I hope you two have fun!"

"Oh, she's not going, she's currently sick with the flu."

"Oh no, that's too bad."

"Yea, so it's just gonna be me. But Auntie Mitsuki is gonna be there to help her, so everything will be fine."

"Alright, I'll see you in a week, young Midoriya!"

--Several hours later in Racoon City: Home of Umbrella--

"Dad, what the Fuck is going on?!"

"It's the virus!"

"Virus?! No this isn't a virus!"

"Yes it is, it's bioengineered!"

"No! Covid is a virus, the flu is a virus! This isn't a virus, what kind of virus makes zombies real?!"

"The one I helped make damn it! Now keep running!"

"You made this shit?!"

"Yes!"

"Why?!"

"I got paid to do it!"

"That doesn't mean you do it, go to the police and heroes!"

"What am I supposed to say?! 'oh hey mr.hero-man, I'm a scientist working for an evil mega corporation that makes bioweapons' that's stupid!"

"You're stupid for doing this!"

"I know, now grab that fuse, I'll get the bolt cutters and spade key!"

"Why are there so many damn puzzles in this town?!"

"I don't know, do you still have the medallion?"

"I had to face a horde of zombies to get this thing, I'm not losing it."

"Good, once we get out of here, I'm calling your aunt."

"What's Mitsuki gonna do about this?"

"Not her, my sister, your aunt Ada."

"You have a sister?"

"Yes..you didn't know this?"

"No!"

"How?!"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that you barely spent time with me in my early childhood and left to go make super zombie viruses!"

"Touché."

Mei pulled Uraraka into her private lab, why did she have one? Because at least the explosions would be semi-contained. Uraraka on the other hand was terrified, this(probably insane) just picked her up with one hand and basically kidnapped her on school grounds.

"You used Deku-kun's name.."

"It's that serious."

"How serious?"

"Seriously serious."

"Okay, do you mind letting go of me?"

"No, you might run and I won't be able to deliver my message."

"Curse my not using martial arts against the untrained! What's this about Deku-kun's hair?"

"Okay, so I was getting his measurements-"

"Feeling him up you mean?"

"That too-"

"Wha-"

"And he'd just come back from training so he was all hot and sweaty-"

"Not even I'm that down bad...that's a lie."

"I know. And his hair was bothering him I think, so he slicked his hair back...and girl..let me tell you..."

"Tell me what?"

"Damn near every girl in my class almost died, even the robot assistant!"

"Was it that bad?"

"No! It was fucking majestic! And look, I'm not into Midoriya like that, but I know you are, so for the love of everything, you keep his hunky ass in line!"

"And if I don't?"

"I saw a UFO with a Midoriya mural painted on the side heading towards his direction, grab the pink one-"

"Mina isn't an alien."

"That's what you think, trust me, I've seen her charts, but grab her and make them go away!"

Kakashi burst into Hiruzen's office. Both him and Iruka turned to face Kakashi. One looking surprised and the other just puffing on a pipe, seemingly to have expected this.

"Before I answer your question, answer mine. Why does Naruto being good at chemistry matter so much?"

"He made a drug that forcibly awakened Sasuke's sharingan."

"Oh."

"Not to mention he just makes drugs randomly in general!"

"I thought I helped curb that habit...I'll talk with him later."

"That's not even mentioning all the random shit he just makes regularly!"

"Like what?"

"Rapidly expanding acidic foam, then rapidly expanding crystals that absorb chakra! Then he synthesized a chemical that made all the bees within a 10 foot radius angry at me, and that's barely the surface of what he's done in the short time I've had team seven!"

"What about your other students?"

"What about them?! They're encouraging this! They're basically his lab partners!"

"Awe, he's making friends."

"Will you please take this seriously! I have to dodge various chemical bombs and traps when I'm more than 30 minutes late!"

"Stop being late then."

Sitting tied up in Sarutobi's office, Naruto just stared in utter befuddlement. Sure, an eleven year old leaving a hidden village isn't a good thing, especially alone. But this situation was different.

"What do you mean?!"

"I mean, talk to all your dead ancestors if you want, it isn't a reason to leave the leaf."

"How?!"

"Naruto, I'm sure you know this already, but then again, I've seen your history grades but Uzushio was destroyed years ago."

"I know that! But it doesn't stop 'em from telling me to go!"

"Well don't listen!"

"That's rather hard when they're in your head 24/7 and in my dreams!"

"Well ignore them! I'll set up an appointment with Inoichi."

"I tried that! Didn't work, Ino still blames me for putting her dad in the hospital!"

"So that's why he wasn't at the meeting last week.. nevertheless, you arent going!"

"Look gramps, I love you, but I'm not dealing with thousands of red haired ghosts telling me to go to my ancestral home and shit. To do what? I don't know! They don't say!"

"If you don't know then why are you listening to them?!"

"Because I haven't slept in months! And I'm not sure if you know, but I can't punch a ghost to shut it up! Believe me, I tried!"

"Try harder!"

"I did, I even got the Kyubi involved! It bitch slapped me! Sent me into the Avatar state, and none of my ancestors had shit to say!"

"I was gonna suggest an Uchiha to put you to sleep forcefully but..."

"All dead?"

"The only two we got is a rogue Shinobi and a traumatized emo child."

As Uraraka led Bakugo down the stairs into the Dormitory basement (that he didn't know they had) he spotted several things. Midoriya was behind a counter serving what was hopefully non-alcoholic drinks, Jirou was at a DJ booth, Momo was in the ring fighting Kirishima, Shoji and Tokoyami were manning what seemed to be a medical booth. Koda was in said Medical booth. Aoyama and Sato were making a cake(well, Sato was making the cake Aoyama was just there, being glittery) Tsuyu was putting boxing gloves, Ojiro was icing up his tail, Mina was collecting bets.

"How in the syrupy sweet shit, did you all manage to set this up?"

"Deku-kun made a deal with Mei."

"Didn't the nerd advise all of us not to do that?"

"Yea, something about her owning your soul if you do, I don't know, I got lost in his eyes mid explanation."

"Of course you did.."

"Anyway, any questions?"

"Why wasn't I invited at first?"

"We had to make sure you wouldn't snitch."

"What makes anyone think I'd do that?"

"You go to bed at 8, you always turn in your homework, you hate breaking the rules, despite all your crassness you never really disrespect teachers. All in all, you're basically Iida if he swore."

"Speaking of mufflers, where is he?"

"Currently passed out due to a concentrated sleep drug, courtesy of Momo."

"..."

"If you snitch, were getting the mind eraser."

"What's that?"

"Just a giant ray gun that Mei made when she was sleep deprived with a high fever."

"How in the-"

"It's honestly scary and impressive, thanks to her and Jirou we were able to remove this place from U.A's digital map and soundproof it. All without Nezu noticing."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"We place his favorite cheese danishes and teas down here every night for months. He can't resist those, literally, I've seen him go rabid on those things."

"And in case he did find out, those things are a peace offering ?"

"Yupperoo."

"Mhm, cool."

"Well, you've seen the gist of it, imma go help Deku-kun behind the counter."

"Why is he behind the counter."

"His mom was bartender."

"I know that! I grew up with him! I'm asking why is he behind it? He can't make a drink to save his life."

"We know, we still let him anyway."

Tomura and his little gang of misfits stood before Zen Shigaraki aka All for One, all of them were looking various degrees of sheepish. The aforementioned hard to kill person sat neatly on a stool.

"What do you mean?"

"His quirk regenerates him too fast."

"I stole his quirk, he doesn't have one."

"It regenerated."

"Quiet heroling, the villains are talk- wait what?"

"Yea, my quirk regenerated."

"But I took it?..."

"And it regenerated back."

"How?!"

"That's just how strong it is."

"That's bull!"

"Yes it is, but it works for me so I don't care."

"That's not even the worst of it, sensei!"

"How so?"

"I turned him to dust and the next thing I know is he's standing in front of me naked!"

"Sorry about the flash- wait why am I apologizing? You killed me!"

"And you got better! You're not supposed to do that! Toga passed out!"

"Calm yourself, Tomura. What else happened?"

"After the whole dusting incident, I had Magne use the little green turd as magnetic railgun ammo...he walked right back..while placing his head on his shoulders with only three fingers and one toe."

"Good effort though."

"Don't give Magne props! You should be dead!"

"I don't do that."

"We can tell!"

"Calm! What else have you tried?"

"Toga tried to drain him of all his blood."

"And?"

"She now has enough blood to last her entire life and longer."

"Oh..."

"Then I had Dabi burn the brat into little charcoal! He popped back up within seconds!"

"And I'm guessing Dabi isn't too happy about that?"

"No! He's been burning everything!"

"Mhm, go on."

"I had Spinner throw the kid into a blender!...the shitty blender broke."

"I was wondering why I didn't hear it running for Kurogiri's morning smoothie."

"I had to go out and...hurk.. socialize..to get a new one for him."

"We have to work on your antisocialness, how are you supposed to give your mega villain speech when you can't even talk to a cashier at a pizza shop?"

"In my defense she was 6 feet tall and goth."

"Yea, I'd stutter too."

"Shut up, Midoriya, you stutter when you see a regular girl!"

"That's more social anxiety than anything else."

"Keep your regenerative ass quiet!"

"..."

"Thank you!"

"Did you try anything else?"

"I had Compress turn him into a marble and throw him into lava!"

"Didn't work?"

"Didn't work."

"Didn't work. What about the Doctor?"

"We shipped him to the Doctor to perhaps make an Uber strong Nomu...the machine broke.."

"Fuck...it was expensive."

"And he doesn't even look like he's in pain whenever we do something, the only time he did is when Kurogiri creased his J's!"

"One, fuck you Kurogiri, those were expensive and limited edition. Two, I do feel pain, I just have a high tolerance because I grew up with Kachan."

"That explains it, the little explosive brat from the festival, of course you two know each other.."

"We can still salvage this, what if we show All Might, his favorite hero-"

"Woah, slow your roll there, potato face. What makes you think All Might is my favorite?"

"Well, you two are always together, so I assume he took on the role as your personal mentor in preparation to take his quirk."

"Yea, he offered but I refused, and he accepted that. So now he's just more like a slightly unhinged and out of touch uncle."

"Oh, then who's your favorite?"

"Mirko."

"Fuck!"

"What's wrong?"

"Why'd it have to be her?!"

"Why are you so upset?"

"Is it at least for sexual reasons like all othe teenage boys?"

"No, she's just super cool, the ears on my costume are modeled after her, not All Might."

"Man Fuck! I don't wanna cross her!"

"Why's that, sensei?"

"She...scares me.."

"Tomura I think you sensei might either be a little bitch or have lagophobia."

Team seven had a stealth mission, they needed to sneak into the notorious Three cards gala, the most protected event in all of Fire Country history. Thankfully due to some careful bribing, threats, and a minor genjutsu they were all in a dressing room. Naruto tried to reach for the suit Sasuke pointed ho toward but was stopped by Kakashi who shoved a semi-fancy tracksuit into the sulking Naruto's hands and pointed him toward the changing curtain.

"Sensei, I hate to burst your bubble once again, but you do know what this event is right?"

"Yes, the Three cards gala. An event where not only the richest but the most influential people in all of the elemental nations come here and socialize, build connections and what not. I heard that Mei Terumi, the new MizuKage, is making a guest appearance on stage."

"Right, and if you know that, then why are you giving Naruto a tracksuit with a backwater suit and tie design and not the suit?"

"Sakura, my young Padawan-"

"Don't ever call me that again."

"Whatever you say, creampuff-"

"You're enjoying this aren't you?"

"Yes I am."

"You still didn't answer her question."

"Well, it's simple. Naruto isn't allowed to wear anything but those tracksuits."

"And why is that?"

"Have you not seen him?"

"We have, and that doesn't explain why he can't wear a damn suit. Is it the tie? I new he should've went with the burnt orange instead of the clementine, but no one listens to Sakura!"

"No, it's just that he's too pretty for his own good."

"What?"

"Yea, I'm with Sakura, what?"

"Naruto is a pretty boy, plain and simple, not just a pretty boy, but a buff one too."

"He's 14...how does that work?! He barely had time to grow into a pretty boy!"

"Y'see, Naruto is a perfect mix of his parents looks."

"Loaded statement, but continue anyway."

"Naruto has his mother's face, his father's color scheme and broad shoulders, his mom's hips and thighs, and top that off with a peachy complexion, whiskers, and his penchant for mischief and you got a grade A pretty boy plain and simple."

"You spent a little too long analysing one of your students' body, I feel like we should tell someone..."

"What no?! It's a jonin thing! When you first get your team assigned, you must study your students inside and out!"

"Mhm."

"Want a example?"

"Sure."

"Sasuke has a birthmark in the shape of a heart on his left buttcheek."

"Awe, that's kinda cute-"

"And Sakura has a scar on her thigh from when she stabbed herself when she was three and playing in the kitchen while her parents weren't looking."

"..."

"..."

"I could go on for days about how all of you function but I can't, we don't have time. We have a gala to infiltrate, a client to meet, and a file to acquire. Naruto are you done changing?"

No answer.

"Naruto?"

Again, no answer.

"Please tell me this is some sort of little prank and no you didn't sneak into the gala while we were distracted!"

As everyone expected, Naruto didn't answer, because Naruto wasn't there. What was there was the tracksuit he was supposed to wear, and the tracksuit he'd been wearing earlier, but what was also gone was the suit that Sakura had painstakingly picked out for her teammate.

"Fuck! Code orange! Wait-wrong Naruto code, code Blondie!"

Everyone stared, scandalized, as Eri the most innocent, doll eyed, baby faced, bunny themed pajamas wearing child swore. Before anyone could have an aneurysm, specifically Iida, Midoriya walked out of the kitchen... wearing a hazmat suit.

"I'm cooking breakfast."

"That doesn't look like breakfast."

"It is for some people."

"It's a bunch of crystals."

"Potato-tomato, same difference."

"I don't knoooww-"

"I made apple cinnamon pancakes too."

"Bitchin' let's go."

It was Bakugo who stepped in.

"Oh hell to the no!"

"Mr. Deku, why is Kachan angry?"

"You're gonna have to be more specific, Kachan is always angry, people think it's from his mom, but actually his quirk-"

"No! Shut up! Eri, get over here now!"

"But pancakes-"

"No buts!"

"Fine..."

"Now, Deku!"

"Yes?"

"I thought you have up making that stuff after what happened in middle school?!"

"Midoberg never stops."

"I will tell auntie."

"..."

"And the hag."

"..."

"You don't want a dual lecture, with auntie's disappointed face, do you?"

"Fine, I'll stop-"

"And?"

"And I'll destroy the product.."

"And?"

"I'll tell on whoever I'm selling to..."

"And you're selling to who?"

"Mostly everyone in the HPSC, why do you think they keep making such back water decisions?"

Naruto was staring at the Uzukage. If he was honest, he didn't know that Uzushio had a kage, or was even still intact. But considering in all his 10 years of life he didn't know he had a mother clan, he could be forgiven.

"Before I try to unpack that, you wanna explain to me why you felt the need to have me stuffed in a barrel filled with glitter and shipped here? Someone could've asked if I wanted to go, I would've said yes!"

"Like I said, we're introverts, we don't ask shit."

"Look, whatever your name is-"

"Ashina."

"Yea look here, Ashley. I may not be the sharpest kunai in the pouch, but even I know that being an introvert doesn't stop someone from asking if they want to be stuffed in a barrel to meet their mother's clan."

"That's not- whatever, if you're an Uzumaki it stops you."

"Are other Uzumaki that shy?"

"Not shy, introverts."

"What?"

"We don't like people, we like being alone. We acquire 3 friends maximum and never get any more, unless it's a significant other."

"Makes sense in a way."

"You don't get it do you?"

"No, I like people."

"Right, you're only of the few extroverted Uzumaki, just like your mother."

"Loaded statement for an orphan like me, so I'm not gonna touch that unless I have ramen at the ready and several shoulders to cry on."

"So do you have any questions?"

"Did those three villages actually attack during the second war?"

"No, we made all that up so people would leave us alone."

"Then why'd you bring me here?"

"Because you're an Uzumaki...and we needed someone to take care of the Kyubi's daughter."

"The Kyubi has a daughter?!"

"Yes, she's been living with me for the past few years but she's quite the handful, throwing Bijū bombs every which way, pranks galore, scaring children. The works, and you're the only one who can compete with her."

"So you want me to start a prank war with the Kyūbi daughter?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you just say that? Where do I sign up?"

Midoriya sat across from Nezu, which was odd, Midoriya made a point to only interact with Nezu only when necessary, the rat gave him the heebie-jeebies. But what was also odd was what Midoriya was wearing. It could only be described as a suit and tie,neither several playboy bunny pins scattered about.

"Okay, before we try to unpack that...what in the pimp Steve Harvey are you wearing?"

"It's my therapist outfit, y'see I wanted the heroes and villains to feel at ease, and it would've felt weird if they were the only ones in strange uniforms."

"Right, that explains the suit, but why the pins, are you sponsored by playboy?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Tsu is the sponsored one, I got these from Mirko's cousins."

"Ex-fucking-squeeze-me?"

"Yea, Mirko's cousins wanted to do onlyfans, but their parents said if they did they'd be disowned, so they just chose to be villains instead."

"I was talking about Tsuyu Asui being sponsored by Playboy!"

"Oh, well, don't worry. She's not doing any photoshoots, she is the only taking pictures though. She's great at photography, she's actually teaching me."

"Right, and what does that have to do with the pins?"

"Oh, Mirko's cousins gave these to me after helping them reconcile with Mirko herself."

"Mhm.."

"And I won't get into too much detail about this, confidentiality and all that jazz, but this reminds me the time I helped All Might council with his master's grandson, who's apparently a villain."

"Alright, I'm calling uncle, you beat me. I need a martini."

Jiraiya often went over to Naruto's apartment to info dump about the latest (usually porn) book he was writing, did the boy ever listen? No, but it's the thought that counts. Should he be telling a twelve year old this? No, but Naruto was his godson whom he doesn't know how to bond with in any other way. But this time, Naruto's apartment was filled with girls of various ages and in various stages of braided hair.

"What braids? Naruto your hair isn't long enough to even think about braiding."

"That's what you think."

"What?"

Naruto reached into his hair and pulled out two bobby pins, letting his hair fall to his ankles.

"How?"

"Uzumaki logic."

"So none?"

"No, it's Uzumaki logic."

"Whatever, who are all this people?"

Naruto pointed at a woman with pink hair that faded into green.

"That's Mitsuri, she kills demons, didn't know those existed but apparently they do."

"Hi!!"

"Um.. hello?"

"Greet Mitsuri better, or I'll get that weird snake guy after you."

"Orochimaru?"

"No, apparently there's another one, a lot better than the guy who bit Sasuke, but still weird."

Naruto pointed at another lady.

"That's Jinx."

Naruto pointed at the little girl beside the aforementioned Jinx.

"That's Isha, basically Jinx's daughter in all but blood. She doesn't talk."

"Jinx doesn't look all there mentally."

"Yea, she's a little insane, but that's cool with me, I'm friends with Gaara."

"Don't befriend insane people."

"You deliberately peek at women so they can beat you up, and I'd say we're friends."

"..."

"..."

"Who's that?"

"That's Rumi, she also kills demons."

"Like Mitsuri?"

"No, different kind of demons."

"Huh, why wasn't I invited to braiding night, I have the hair for it?"

"On case you don't realize, it's mostly girls here, me being the only guy. And they know of your exploits, so suffice to say, you're not very welcome."

"Well, I'm staying anyway."

"Then prepare to face all of Jinx's of explosions, bullets, explosive bullets, and druggie speed."

"It's not druggie! It's shimmer!"

"Same difference."

"No it's not!"

"Whatever."

Midoriya was in his office, compiling notes for his class the next day, and all was going well, except for the fact that a few of his old classmates burst, knocking the door off it's hinges.

"You know the door was unlocked, right? You could've just opened it."

"Midoriya."

"Tokoyami."

"Mind explaining to the class why-"

"Let me guess, it's about the pasta incident, I told Eri that she couldn't use coffee to lure Aizawa into a date with Ms. Joke-"

"No, this isn't about that- wait what does that have to do with pasta?"

"Didn't know a grown man's voice could go that high."

"This isn't about whatever that pasta incident is, but the wiki pages!"

"Oh, what about them?"

"Oh I don't know...maybe the fact that they contain childhood information and more!"

"The problem is?"

"The fact that no one should know the name of my childhood pet rock! Or the fact Kaminari still has a fear of goldfish!"

"How is little death eater?"

"Shut up."

"Up is shut."

"Midoriya?"

"Yes, Mina."

"How much information do you have on us?"

"How much are you comfortable with?"

"What?"

"How much information are you comfortable with me having? Because it's more than you think."

"..."

"Multiply that, make sure to carry the two."

"Don't coach me in your spyware!"

"It isn't spying if it's just observing."

"It had pictures of my childhood room! It had statements from my babysitter from when I was six! And then the kids I babysat!"

"How the Fuck did you even find all this?!"

"I be in places and shit."

Hiruzen stepped into the council chambers, silk robe still tied around his waist, pipe still lit, and looking thirty years younger(metaphorically). The entire meeting, already in full swing was in disarray, people yelling, a chair was thrown at Koharu by Tsume, Shibi is drunk, and more was happening. Yet Hiruzen, just couldn't care.

"Well, ain't this a bag of Fuck nuggets and fries."

"Lord Third!"

"Evening everyone, I would hope you all are well, but I can see that you're not."

"Oh thank God you're back! When you left it all went to shit!"

"And said enshittening was?"

"Naruto! That orange loving, ramen slurping, prank doing, mallet wielding-"

"Mallet?"

"Yes! Whenever someone of the council pissed him off he uses an oversized mallet, doesn't matter if they're Shinobi or civil! And the damn thing is bigger than him!"

"I didn't authorize mallet use, but then again I didn't not authorize it so it's fine I guess."

"And that's not all- wait, authorize?"

"Yes, I left Naruto as temporary Hokage in my absence."

"Why?!"

"I needed a vacation with my family, Konohamaru hasn't been to the beach before now, and Asuma wanted to try...things.."

"Not gonna dig into that, but why didn't you appoint literally anyone else!"

"Thought it'd be good for him, he wants to take the hat one day, so I thought 'why not let him have the experience' of course I did set five strict rules."

"One those are?"

"Done have anyone killed or arrested without proper evidence and reason, no starting any new holidays or festivals, no serious changes to any functioning systems, no sex in the office(don't want him to relive my mistake), and finally if any one of my students comes to him please engage them in philosophical discussion."

"What the Fuck does that last one have to do with anything?!"

"You'd be surprised what an academy student can say, kids can be so cruel. Speaking of cruel, where's Danzo?"

"Dead, Naruto found out about that Danzo still had root active and had a small scale army of both ninja and samurai(don't know where he got those) and had him executed."

"Where did he get samurai from?"

"I just said I didn't know, but they were wearing orange and the Uzumaki symbol so they might just be his personal soldiers, when I tried to ask, I got the mallet."

"Did anyone try voicing your complaints?"

"Shibi did."

"And what happened?"

"To voice one complaint, we gotta answer his three riddles."

"Damn, I should do that."

"Please don't."

"But I checked in with Naruto, and crime is at an all time low, the clans are getting along, a few minor clans have come back to settle and more have shown up. What's the problem?"

"He took power from the council! All decisions go through him! Literally! Not even when it's something minor, we could put in an order for a new coffee pot and it's have to be stamped!"

"Mhm."

"Not to mention the clan head have been stripped and basically are only heads in name!"

"Well, he's still gonna be Hokage for a few more months because I'm going to Honolulu, y'know for relaxation."

"Didn't you just get back form vacation?"

"Yes but I'm old, all this relaxation made me tired, I need a break from my break."

Class 1A had a physical heroic class that day, it was based on quirkless fighting, each of them did suspiciously well. It got to a point that at the end of the day Mina asked Midoriya and that began the discussion.

"Really? Why?"

"No reason, I just wanted to, I quit after UA started though."

"I did as well."

"What was your vigilante name?"

"What?"

"Y'know, what did you call yourself? I called myself 'Alien Queen' after that movie."

"I didn't give myself one."

"Why not?"

"Didn't feel like I needed one."

"Well, people had to call you something!"

"Well, they tended to call me 'The Man Without Fear' after a character from a pre-quirk era comic series, the blindfold didn't help the similarities either."

"You wore a blindfold."

"Yea."

"Why?"

"Many reasons, I just didn't like seeing people hurt, criminal or not, so the blindfold helped with that. Some people I fought had eye contact based quirks, or just light based quirks in general...also it just looked cool."

"That explains how you were able to take down Shoji in pitch black darkness."

"Yea, all that time without using my eyes made my hearing better, not to Jirou's level. But it's something."

"Aren't you gonna ask about my costume."

"I was until you said something."

"Mhm, well, since I'm so recognizable on account of my ethereal beauty."

"Love the confidence."

"Thank you, I had to wear what was basically a ninja costume, it was so not my style!"

"What kind of ninja are we talking?"

"Whatchu mean?"

"Are we talking, pop culture or actual?"

"A mix of both, I tried my hardest to make it cute!"

As the discussion went on, no one in class A really paid attention. Why? Because, they were too busy sharing their own vigilante stories with someone else.

Aizawa, who was lurking in the corner, just rubbed his temples.

"How am I the only one who wasn't a vigilante?"

Team seven needed information for their latest C-rank mission, and Naruto being the social creature he is, knew someone with the right information. Telling Sasuke and Sakura to stay put while Kakashi and Naruto acquired the info.

"Sensei."

"Yes Naruto?"

"Before we get to her, I thought I'd let you know her price is usually-"

"Oh, you're worried about prices, I knew you were the frugal type, and I'm flattered but don't worry."

"I'm not talking about-"

"Seriously, Naruto I'm a jonin, I have the funds to pay for anything. And if makes you feel a little better, I'll even haggle a bit. And if her prices are somehow out of my range, well, nothing some words and maybe a genjutsu won't fix."

"Look, I just wanted you to know-"

"Naruto. Don't worry, I'll pay any price."

"Any price?"

"Any."

"If you say so."

During their talk the two had made it to where the informant stayed, it was Naruto's apartment building. Making their way up the stairs and to the top floor. Kakashi gave the ol' two bits knock.

The door was answered by a woman wearing simultaneously too much and too little leather.

"Oh my! Who's this tall and masked drink of water?"

"Hi Ms. Yuki!"

"Oh! What a sweet surprise! Little Naru-chan has come to visit."

"Sorry, but not for long, remember that information you have on the trade routes from Silk country to The Citadel?"

"I do, but it's costly."

"Wait wait wait- Naruto, how'd you even meet her?"

"Well, someone had to teach me to cook and clean."

"Ah yes, when I saw little Naru-chan living all by his lonesome, I couldn't just stand by. I took the poor thing in and taught him everything I know."

"That's concerning."

"Oh behave you. Now, Naru-chan, I'm sure you know my prices by now, tell me, how exactly do you plan on paying."

"I'm not, he is."

"Naruto's right, Ms. Yuki, I'll be paying right now, how much?"

"You should be asking 'how long?' silly."

"How long for what?"

"Oh! Naru-chan, you sly little fox, you didn't tell him."

"I tried, but he offered to pay any price."

"Ha! Your mother pulled this same trick back in the day when I was little girl and still learning the ways."

"Wait, you shouldn't-"

"Oh please, Naruto already knows who his mother is, the two are practically identical in all aspects but color scheme and gender."

"And you know his mother how?"

"I know everything about Naru-chan, his favorite food after ramen is marry me pasta, he has a beauty mark on his left thigh under his butt cheek, he has the same back tattoo as his mother, he's fails to make banana bread every time, and he's scarily good and changing someone's ideals in short amounts of time."

During that short conversation, Naruto had secured the file and was now standing at the door.

"How's for three and a half hours?"

"Make it four and you have a deal, little one."

"Wait what deal?"

"Alrighty, four it is then, please don't rough him up too bad, we kinda need him later."

"A high request for someone so short."

"You're like 6'9".."

"I'm 6'11 in heels."

"Didn't ask, but please don't."

"Alright, since your my favorite student."

"I'm your only student."

"That means your my favorite by default."

"That sounds so sad, but anyways, I'll come pick him up later."

"Bye Naru-chan!"

"Bye Ms. Yuki!"

"Wait Naruto! What price?!"

"I tried to tell you."

"Tell me what?!"

"Kakashi, you said that you'd pay any price, that's her price, your ass."

"WhAt?!"

"Bye Sensei! Don't die please!"

Naruto quickly closed the door, the sound of locks clicking into place mixed with his student's fading steps.

"Hatake are know for dogs, we'll see if they make as good as an Inuzuka."

"I want my mommy.."

"You're looking at her."

Naruto didn't get sick often, but when he did it was bad. When Iruka got the boy tested once, the sickness was strong enough to resist medical chakra, so unfortunately, Naruto just has to ride out this sickness. Fortunately Naruto had both Iruka and a roommate to help him.

"And why would you want to do that?"

"She's mean! Makes me eat my veggies 'n shit. Also she keeps trying to steal my bathroom!"

"Language!"

"What?"

"You're 7, you shouldn't be swearing."

"Why, it's just words?"

"It's the principle of the matter."

"I hate the principal, she makes me do my work during detention.."

"Maybe if you didn't skimp out academy lessons, you wouldn't have detention."

"Whatever, just open the door."

Opening the door using his spare key, Iruka basically dragged the heavily lethargic Naruto inside and plopped him on the couch.

"Kaguya! I'm home from the doctors! And I brought Iruka."

Out from the back hall a little girl floated down and in front of Iruka.

"Hm, so this is the Iruka you oh so boast about? He doesn't look like much."

"Hey!"

"Iruka-sensei, this is Kagu-chan, my roomie and bane of my existence."

"I keep telling you to drop that demeaning name."

"I think not, unless you want me to use the others."

"I hate you."

"I hate you more."

Iruka got a better look at the girl in front of him, she was a little shorter than Naruto (not counting the horns) two Byakugan eyes, and slit in the middle of her forehead, Iruka had a nagging suspension that there was a third eye under there as well.

"Iruka get this, she likes to think that she was some sort of mythical figure that gave birth to the sage of six paths and his brother, and they betrayed her and put her in the moon!"

"She does have quite an imagination."

"You blonde wretch, I regard you with my life story and you write me off as a liar! This won't be forgotten."

"How old are you, Kaguya."

"It's rude to ask a lady her age-"

"She's six I think, sensei."

"I'm older than you!"

"Eight then?"

"By millennia!"

"Nine then."

"I'm going to strangle you."

"With those tiny hands? I think not."

"Even after I got the other half of the Kyubi for you as a peace offering, you still treat me like this."

"I stopped the pranks, didn't I?"

"I'm going to use your tub.."

"Don't use all my hot water! And don't leave your underwear on the floo- she's gone."

"Wait what did she mean other half of the Kyubi and how does she or you know about it?!"

"Don't question the sick child."

Mineta asked the question more out of curiosity than perversion, but the perversion was still present, but the answer was shocking, who wouldn't want to train with Mirko? Someone with sense, that's who.

"What was so bad about it?"

"Well, on my first day I had to wrestle fifteen sharks in order to get a pass to enter her agency, and since she doesn't have any sidekicks or employees I had to basically install the new security system which my newly acquired shark fought pass didn't work for!"

"That's seems...comically in character honestly."

"On the second day she dragged me outta bed and threw me into a ravine!"

"Where'd she even find one?"

"She made it!"

"Oh.."

"One the third day she threw me into an active volcano!"

"Weren't all those forcibly closed at the beginning of the quirk era?"

"She reopened one!"

"How?"

"She knew a guy who owed her a favor."

"That makes no sense, yet so much at the same time."

"On the fourth day she fired me into space!"

"At least she put you in a rocket, right?"

"..."

"Right?"

"...No, she didn't."

"Damn, was there anything good?"

"Mirko makes a mean carrot cake, figuratively and literally, it cured my whole family tree, still ate it though."

"At least tell me you saw some ass, thighs, boobs, hell- fucking stomach!"

"No, she mostly trains in sweatpants and hoodies, or sometimes the occasional tracksuit."

"Damn it!"

"Granted there was...stretching day...we were both in leotards.."

"I am excited yet scared for you."

"Men shouldn't bend that way...I heard my future descendants cry out in agony, I asked for forgiveness that night."

"What about spars, tell me you were at least able to cop a feel!"

"As in feeling pain? I felt a lot of that."

"Is there a bright or sexy side to this at all?"

"Not really, but I can bench 800lbs with one leg while dangling over a pit of flaming acid spitting shark-eagles."

"How does that correlate into a villain fight...or just life in general."

"Don't know, but knowing that I have to go back next month..."

"Or right now."

"Whatchu mean?"

"I see a suspicious pair of bunny ears and red eyes peeking through the window near the backdoor."

"Greenie! It's time for lesson 81 in Mirko-ness! Training never stops!"

"It's been nice knowing you, Midoriya, I'll play jazz at your funeral."

"You're a good man, Mineta."

"Today, we're doing more stretching, imma make you head touch your toes while your shoulders touch your ass!"

The cry of progeny unborn was heard throughout the entire dormitory.

"Can I at least eat first?"

"No! I'm making dinner afterwards so you'll have to power through!"

"How much will this hurt?"

"Yes!"

"Am I gonna be able to walk afterwards?"

"Yes!"

"Am I gonna be able to actually want to be alive afterwards?"

"Yes!"

"Are you saying to appease me and hide the fact that your not listening to what I'm saying at all?"

"Yes!"

When Naruto and Sakura weren't bickering about menial things, Naruto asking her out dates, Sakura fawning over Sasuke, or just overall being brats toward the other. The two were actually pretty good friends who hung out often. That could be seen as Sakura currently commandeered Naruto's kotatsu for herself.

"And I'm wondering how did she shlurp that thang with his pants still on?!"

"Sakura, your porn tastes are scaring me."

"You can't tell me you don't watch it."

"I don't."

"Mhm.."

"I read it, very different."

"Of course, you only read like three things anyway, so of course that's one."

"Don't blame me! The videos make too much noise!"

"That's half the fun!"

"I don't need everyone to know what I'm doing!"

"And?"

"Don't you live with your parents?"

"And? What're they gonna do? Barge in and stop me? Take my stash? I'll just buy more."

"Why am I always friends with the weirdos?"

"Because in your words 'being normal is boring and subjective, being weird makes things fun' or am I mistaken?"

"Nice impression, have you been practicing?"

"Yes I have, thanks for noticing. And say, why are we friends in the first place?"

"Why are you asking?"

"I mean, we're very different fundamentally, and not to mention you still ask me on dates and I say no and smack you over the head, I complain about my parent problems to someone who doesn't have any, hell, you let me crash here when I'm too tired to go home after training, why?"

"We're friends for the same reason I have a pinup poster of Kiba's mom."

"Kiba's mom does pinup?"

"She used to when she was a regular jonin and not a sensei."

Naruto pointed at the wall, Sakura turned her head to none other than Tsume Inuzuka in a very large compromising pose, the poster was plastered to the living room wall for all to see... especially her rather large rear.

"How have I never seen that until now?"

"Too busy whooping my ass is super smash Shinobi deluxe to notice."

"Maybe you should play with someone other than Mito."

"No!"

"Whatever, say...was Tsume's ass always that big?"

"Yup. Checked myself, that thing is 100% pure grade real ass."

"Wait...if we're friends for the same reason as this... we're friends because of my ass?!"

"Yup."

"How?!"

"It's large."

"Explain before I rip you three new ones!"

"When I first started asking you on dates, it was because of your ass, but when we were put on a team together and stuff, we bonded over many things."

"Like near-death experiences, trauma, cake, and ramen.."

"Exactly and now we're friends and I'm not only after your ass now."

"Still a no."

"Understood. I can't be too greedy."

"What?"

"I straight up just asked Tsume if I could smash, she said to wait till I was 18."

"That's in five years."

"And I've been counting down the days since I was 11."

"Men, I swear.."

"Don't you have a commissioned art piece pinup of Sasuke in your room?"

"How do you know that?!"

"I've been to your house, man, also been through your stuff."