u/Cauliflowerperson

I’m 28. I have had an (understandably) impossibly difficult 2 years after the loss of my partner and a string of devastating medical issues. My daily life has been sadness and anger mixed with constant exhaustion, which has created an enormous shift in my emotional fragility. And I’m really sick of it. On Friday I completed my first ever Hyrox, and I was over the moon. I hadn’t felt this good in so long. I needed a win SO bad. We traveled to Germany for it, so my friends and I decided to hit two birds with one stone and go to Oktoberfest. My friends are all single and were looking for hookups, and I thought it would be fun too, but I haven’t actually put myself out there since I lost my partner. Anyway, we get to a club and these two guys approach me and my friend, but it turns out it was just because the first guy was into my friend, and the second guy couldn’t have looked less interested in me. Normally that’s fine, but I did find him attractive and this never happens to me. So I started feeling shit. Then we go to the dance floor, and my friend kisses guy 1, and guy 2 is gone somewhere. When he finally arrives, my other friends go to pull him towards me and I stop them: I’m not desperate and in need of someone being forced to dance with me. That was so embarrassing.

And then, guy 1 accidentally spills all of his drink on me. I’m fully drenched, I smell like sweet sticky vodka, I turn around to look at him, and he’s basically giggling and “apologizing”. No one has ever spilled their entire drink like that on me. My friend playfully chastise him, but I really didn’t feel supported at all. So I rush out with my other friend because I feel the tears welling up, and I feel so vulnerable and stupid and ugly and unwanted, and above all I feel so angry because I don’t even want this. I wanted to enjoy this club, I wanted to have fun tonight, and I wanted to not have to think about finding someone else after my partner.

I’m never the one being approached on a night out, but I had gotten over that when I met my partner because he thought I was so beautiful and incredible. But now I feel like I’m back in this horrible place of insecurity and self-disgust, which I never thought I’d experience again. I wasn’t meant to experience it again. He was supposed to still be here.

And for this to happen immediately after a really, really positive experience was just devastating. So fucking devastating. I should still be on the high of Hyrox right now, a competition I’ve been training for since June. Not thinking about a random guy spilling his drink on me and his friend not liking me and feeling forced to speak to me. I’m tired. I don’t deserve this.

Idgi, we were eating up Ekin-Su yelling at everyone during her season, yet everyone seems upset at Julia now? It’s so weird to me that people are saying she’s dramatic etc because yes of course she is and yes of course she crosses the line… but so what? Why are we mad about this, when everyone else in the villa seem to all be weirdly polite with each other to a strange extreme. Like how Priya immediately forgave Jasmine for so openly fucking her over with Jordan. That’s wild? Or every time Aidan was a literal opp to Jas/Kav, yet every time Jasmine has tried to confront him about it Aidan’s been like “noooooo omg I love you guys together”?

I feel like this year the islanders tried so desperately to be overly nice to each other to avoid the massive divide of last year that any real confrontation with anyone outside of your couple, which is usually seen as completely normal in all other seasons, is completely avoided. And I feel like in a way the public’s been a bit influenced by that - it’s like we’re fine with bombshells “telling it like it is” until it gets too dramatic. But when it gets too dramatic is when reality TV gets fun, so I’m a bit confused.

Are we entering an era where we’d rather have unproblematic and strictly morally good reality TV stars? That’s boring, no? :(

I’m a mid-level who just lateraled from one big law firm to another, doing arguably more interesting work but in a slightly less warm/smaller environment. I feel miserable at work every day. Idk what it is but I just feel like I regret moving? Is it normal to feel this way? Does it get better? Is it because you leave to do the same kind of work but without the goodwill? Pls tell me I’m not alone in this :(