u/Cautious_Pace_3873

I wonder what you think of when you think about that night.

Whether you think I talked too much.

Or if you spoke too little.

I wonder if you saw me differently- under the kitchen when the lights were glowing pink.

Because I saw you.

And I don't know how to tell you this- how to say this without hurting you...

But every girl looks in the mirror and sees their "ugly" side.

That thing they first noticed in school, the thing they wish someone could change.

And as you sat there smiling and the music droned on in the background- I saw it.

I saw all the parts of you you hate, and all the parts of you that you use make-up to conceal.

And I fell harder.

Crashed face first into my own heart, melting until all I could feel was the warmth of you laughing, holding your hand to cover your teeth.

I love it all.

I love the things that make men run after you.

I love the things that you run from.

And I want to see more, I need to see more.

You have heard that you are beautiful all your life.

I am here to tell you it is true.

The distance is the worse part.

The fact that there isn't any between us.

When I smoke at night I stare off in your direction and wonder if you've ever stared back in mine.

5 minutes by foot, 2 minutes by car.

How did we both end up so close to one another in a city sprawling with places to hide?

How is it that I came from another country and chose mine at the last minute- while you planned your home for years?

The distance kills me.

Knowing you are right there and out of reach up in the clouds, holding your cats. Thinking of me.

If we were countries apart, I could work with reason.

I could tell myself all the ways it won't work and imagine how it ends.

but like this.

flickers of one another, nights of laughter and silent hours of thinking- with someone so close.

It's torture.

You're a star to me.
You're the sun to me.

And I am blinded by this distance.

what do you see that I don't?

relationships are not one way- and if I see our future together,

I'm certain you can too.

I'm certain it's the reason you hold back when thoughts of me resurface.

I am certain, that you are burdened.

It makes sense that I would run for you.

Everything in the universe told me not to look at you that day we met.

And when I did I realized why.

I, was not ready.

The images came piling in- the pressure of everything we would be became so I much I wanted to scrape them out of my eyes with my fingers.

Happiness Family Wealth Comfort Understanding-

Dynasty.

I still see the way your head tilted low and that little smile of yours creeped across your face.

And now it's that smile that I think of when I ask- what do you know that I don't?

Any woman I love is more powerful than I.

And If I see the path of our success and the brightness of our days-

What do they show you?

When I'm by your side and pulling you in closer and you give me that smile, what do you see?

Is it the pain we will cause eachother?

The arguments, the vile, the hurtful words and the stress?

Do you see my need for space and your need for comfort?

Do you see how I would hurt you in the end, and how you would hurt me back?

...

I would hesitate, too.

I would pause and ask me to slowdown, too.

To savor every second between us before the knowing comes.

To squeeze the moments of this simple time and bottle them for later, when there is nothing left to drink.

I wish I could tell you I would never hurt you. That what you're seeing are just anxieties and paintings drawn by your ex.

But I can't.

Because since I've met you, everything I've seen has come true.

And since I've met you, everything you see will come true, too.

Trust me, I'm curious too.

And if you're reading a post about someone who you can't stop thinking about while you're still thinking about them- it probably means I was here to help you figure it out.

Please comment your intitials and DOB below. I will answer and DM those who I am called to.

I assume, by the way, they're thinking of you too.

I know you're tired of compliments.

Aware of how pretty you are and how talented you come across.

You hear it everyday, don't you?

I hope you do, anyway.

I hope other men see the same value in you that I do.

I hope for the stress that comes with it.

Because it means at least one more person can see the star that has been burning my eyes\ for months.

and because it gives me a reason to write to you.

To play back old memories.

You sat there smiling to yourself when I told you the reason why I liked you.

But there wasn't enough space in those seconds or my lungs for me to say it all.

it was a photograph of the ocean.

Powerful, meaningful, true- but nothing in comparison to its entirety.

So here is another photo:

The reason I like you is because you are cunning.

Your words are knives like mine- and i see the way you've used them to cut your space in every room.

I see men falling for simple tricks

And I get to watch live as you plan to bend the metal of truth around you and cut stories ino the mind of those you need to keep controlled.

You lie.

You may not believe me,

but I like that.

I like that you would lie for my comfort.

I like that you let me lie, too.

In fact I lied so many times to you, I'm embarassed you haven't caught on.

I lied when I said you were pretty. The truth is you are radiant.

I lied when I said you were talented. The truth is you are inspiring.

I lied when I said I wasn't talking to other girls, too.

The truth is I talk to other girls everyday.

And everyday I tell other girls about you.

About your fashion, the way your eyes get lost in traffic, the sound of your voice and the anger hiding beneath its softness.

They do get jealous. By the way.

but you see I heard recently, you were getting tired of hearing compliments about yourself.

And so i made a decision.

one that would ease the burden so you could rest.

I would gather all those compliments you're tired of hearing,

and make sure every other girl would hear them for you.

You don't think I'd lie about that-

Do you?

for me

love is war.

it is not a simple affair,

matter of coming together and everything just working out.

Yes, an alliance can form easily, but make no mistake-

it is war.

And in war everyone needs an ally.

You see the battle in love is not a battle with one another.

despite what the spies are whispering in your ears.

I don't need to put my blade against your throat.

I don't need to take away your armor and leave you to walk in the mud.

I need to tear them apart with you.

The things you point at and call enemies, i call enemies too.

It's easy to be afraid in war.

Danger is everywhere.

and with blood in your eyes it starts to get hard to tell whose on your side or whether you're out here alone.

you start to realize something.

The person you trust the most is the only person that can stab you in the back.

Take from your plate and eat the last of your bread while they laugh at you for being so trusting.

If you chose to run it would make sense.

if you chose to ride alone in the dark, only showing yourself here or there when you feel lonely- it would make sense.

But the war is not coming from the person that loves you.

the fire and screaming- the shouting and stabbing, its all around you everday.

Everyday-
we are at war.

With our problems. with our families. with the choices we made in our past.

And though you may survive a lifetime riding through the dark- what can you conquer as only one?

only In love can you find your general.

The kind that listens to your problems and helps you stand up without judgement.

only in love can you find your army

The kind that would die first if it meant shielding you from harm.

only in love- can you conquer.

shape the world in your image.

Go higher over the battlefield- and shoot down your problems

one arrow at a time.

Love is war.

And it is a war I intend for us to win.

I've been with so many women.

I have known so many women.

I have learned how they live how they act how they talk.

I remember all of their laughs

I remember all of their "i love yous"

And its vulnearble for me to say.
its sad for me to say.

but you are the only person I have ever believed.

And im learning  you might be the only person I've meant it to, too.

compassion and patience

like my mother you have compassion and patience.

I see how you talk about women I see how you talk about girlfriends and I know-

Your care for me isn't special- it's special that you care for everyone.

but when I'm talking to you it's like im in a dream.

time moves fast and at the same time the days go by slow.

You say something stupid and it ends up being the smartest thing I've heard in years.

I like that we work on eachothers problems.
I like that we talk too much about other bitches.

I like that you don't judge me for my flaws when I put them on the table.

Like how I tally everything. count what I like and measure the distance between how someone hurt me and when they promised they never would.

I count, honey.

its one of my flaws.

two times i've seen you and your laughter in the room changed my life.

three times I wish I told you to have a great day and I've forgotten.

five thousand times you've given me advice and helped me navigate my love life.

debt.

i am in debt. i am indebted to you and its not just cause you support my art career financially.

i am indebt because I cannot count how many times you've saved my soul.

at this point I live to pay you back.

To pour into your cup what I have in mine.

To make sure you eat well.

To make sure someone cooks for you.

To make sure you drink so that your skin can stay pretty.

You've taught me so many things.

how to talk to her.
how to forgive.
how to believe it when someone says I love you.

because I do.
I do believe it.
and I do believe I love you.

UPDATE: I have contacted the individual I was drawn to. You may continue to post numbers but please do not be broken hearted if I cannot help you today. I do not cast 1 or 2 cards and answer small questions- my work takes time. To everyone reaching out aiming to be in a better place, know that you already are. Every day you question whether you are fucking up is a day you are looking at the right timeline of your life. Things will not get better tomorrow. But you will.

I have been attuning myself to an individual over the past week that I can't shake- and I know that you are here able to find my message.

I would like to provide free divination work in order to answer any questions you might have.

This individual has been ready to take the leap into addressing a core wound for a long time.
This individual has been suffocating their own greatness in service of others.
This individual is caught between loving themselves and hating themselves.
This individual has absorbed enough data to solve their problems to last a lifetime, and still- cannot move.

This individual just needs a clear map- and a push.

If you feel this person is you- please comment the first two numbers that come to your mind below.

Center yourself. And please do not doubt the numbers your soul chooses for you. If you find your numbers to be conflicting and hard to lock down, please do not comment.

I look forward to meeting you.

Be yourself. The mask didn’t come on when you started looking for love.

The mask was bolted to your face on the first day of school. Maybe even before that.

Survival for others.

It’s tiring. It’s nonsensical. It’s damaging- as you can see.

You want a man that loves all of you. You want a woman that sees all of you.

So why would you give halfway?

The mask was first put on when we wanted something that wasn’t exactly right for us. Like a thief.

Maybe they were so attractive and your type you couldn’t help but do anything for them.

It’s a hollow victory. Isn’t it?
you question everyday why you’re there.

Who you are.

If the mask is still convincing.
Insecurity at its core.

That is not love.

If you were blessed with a motherly figure you know what real love looks like.

That is the template.

When someone says you’re pretty and you feel it to your soul.

When someone says “I believe you” and you know you never need to tell them lies.

Love is when you are all of you. And they love all of you.

So give it your all.
If you don’t. Who will?