u/CeliacGirlie

Hi im a 28F and im really struggling. My wonderful husband has been helping me but I just need advice from others who live with this soul crushing weight of body dysmorphia and wanting to be thin. Im 5’6” and weigh 155lbs, I have celiac disease and before I was diagnosed I got sick, like really really sick, for 5 years. I couldnt eat basically at all and i went from 214 lbs to 134 lbs ,no exercise, just from not being able to eat like I was genuinely dying. In a very sick way it was the first time I ever felt good about my body in my entire life. I was finally skinny. Then I finally got diagnosed, changed my diet, and am healthy again (healthy as i can be with a chronic illness) and because I can eat again ive gained about 20lbs. I know thats not alot or anything in reality but oh my god I cant even look at myself in the mirror anymore. Everytime I do I see a giant monster. My husband is so kind and tells me how I am still skinny and that I could even stand to gain weight and that I dont look large or chubby or any of my fears at all but I just dont see it when I look at myself all i see is my 200lb self and then I start to remember all the negative remarks and horrible things people used to say to me. I count every calorie and its so exhausting. How can I learn to cope with this and stop seeing myself as what I used to be and be okay with the weight gain? I just want to enjoy food and stop obsessing over myself in the mirror because it is so suffocating. I want to stop seeing the 200lb girl just cause I gained some weight and start seeing who I really am and just be okay with being me and realize im not just my weight or physical appearance. I could just use some advice and PLEASE no “eat better/exercise” i just want to eat good food live my life and be happy in my own skin without obsessing over calories or exercise. I want to be free.