u/ChanceImmediate3111

My SO(29M) left me (30 F) and our 2 (8 & 7)kids.

HOW HE LEFT:

-Fb photo of them on a date and still lied he was at a guy friends house)

- she wouldn't let him talk to me intercepting texts and calls and responding from her FB messages

- showed at our house & SHE told me he was leaving and had him pack and leave

- he didnt see or talk to kids all Saturday(caught on FB), Sunday(moved OUT), Monday night saw them

-no discussion about logistics, bills, Kids, etc. Until I forced bare minimum after 1st week

- Tuesday of that 1st week he took them out of county to her house and immediately tried acting like thy are a new family... he takes them for 1 hour after school because Im at work...

- he signed giving me sole physical custody

HOW IT'S GOING (3 weeks in ONLY)

- he has used half his savings to supplement his spending and is running up his credit card

- he is pulling more from savings in a pay period than he has by pay day

- his van needs oil change (he now drives 136mi a day, mostly interstate to get to work) he is afraid it needs brakes and or something else its over 10 years old already

-his spending is frivolous eatting out movies, bars (he doesnt drink so her)

- he is lying to friends about their relationship

- he is cut off from his family because they banned her and he said if she isnt welcome he isnt

- he isnt going to church because she doesnt do church he is very religious our kids are in school at the church

- he keeps prioritizing her over seeing his kids

- she tracks him with life 360, he has to call to check in every break, when he leaves, work, leaves anywhere in our town

- she doesnt allow him to come in our house even to help change a bulb not kidding

- oh her car died last week engine went so only his car and he works 40 minutes away bin our city

-He is applying for new job with long irregular hours, manually outdoor rain or shine weather and looks like he will get it(he is not handy and doesnt like cold or bad weather)

- new job will mean 3 weeks out of state for training

I kind of want him to get the job to have the stress, schedule, and distance push him to the edge quicker, but also if he isn't by her enough how can he keep running out of money so quick? I know he needs to land on his face to get over the limerance but how do you watch someone destroy their life in fast forward especially when you have kids?

Is there anything I can do to get him to leave her fully even if its to live on his own so he can grow up and act like himself again and use his brain?

My almost 10 yr SO and I have 3 kids together and were very happy until a few months ago we even moved to a bigger house in August. Once he met his AP he started convincing himself that he and I had become fwb after a fight and short break up 3 years ago even though we got back together a few months after. I understand that this is affair fog where you can convince yourself it is okay and that I'm doing the same thing now saying its okay Im just taking him back.

He had an on off affair with her going as far as telling friends in her area that he was single and dating her publically there. This started in early December. She had just filed divorce but had been separated and year and was with her own BF at that time. The day her bf dumped her she called him over and I expressed my discomfort and he promised if she tried he would turn her down. He didnt.

When I found out we had a long talk and he said in the month he knew her that he thought we were on fwb despite very much dating publically and then said he needed to see where things with her went. Im not proud but I kept publically and privately seeing and sleeping with him (around our family and town)until she found out end of January and dumped him. He then kept in contact with her and was only with me. He always made excuses and after a big fight his family stepped in removing her and he lied about no contact for a month until he was outed on facebook by a friend posting double date pics.

I called him out he slept at her house then came next day with her and moved out with no notice and is now living with her. He notarized a paper for me to have sole physical placement, is paying his half of bills to end of lease but is adamant he is not leaving her and protecting his relationship now.

However when she doesnt come with him to drop off kids he slips back to being the man I know and love and hugs and is even keeping my ring saying he cant give it to out daughter(his AP said to make it an heirloom because he didnt know what to do and didnt want to get rid of it). She doesnt know that he doesnt want to keep the ring but he told me when I asked to store it myself.

She had him unfriend my main fb she knows about and unfriend on snapchat. She reads his texts and put life 360 on him to track him and times him at my house yet he still sits talking with me and hugging me repeatedly when he has to leave (multiple goodbyes). I call every night for kids to say goodnight and then talk to him for a bit afterwards.

I text goodmorning very early when he gets up for work and on weekend and he always responds even if he read it at home and waits until he is at work to respond (believe she was awake with her toddler). He chats normal in person and when she isnt there on the phone but is semi avoiding emotional topics. It has only been since she moved him out (and controlled conversation) that he had been acting like a different person when she is there.

He asked me to come to his work softball game yesterday then mid day seemed to be hinting she may cause problems as she was going too now. At the game he pretty much ignored me aside from responding to 2 questions involving kids because she was there.

Since he is blurring boundaries when she isnt there and being friendly. Combined with she is extremely controlling, he is no contact with his family who told him she isnt welcome at anything and he says if she isnt he isnt, plus he literally cannot afford driving so much just to watch kids at her house for an hour after school not including the 1.5 hours driving he watches until 530pm drop off.

Everything says they wont make it as a couple and I'm stuck between do I wait for them to end( if they do he seems like a zombie around her with no free will even ignores our kids) or do I take the lesser path and start wooing him secretly until he is physically back with me and blowing up their relationship while he can still fix things with his family, friends, and me?

He and I genuinely getting along and like a lot of things we had a great relationship until her and the first affair actually brought us closer discussing old hurts from when kids were babies. He still loves me but says he isnt in love because of her right now but everyone who has seen him since he moved out says he is a zombie and they dont recognize him he doesnt even talk like himself. I really believe we can fix things even if we dont he would be a million times happier away from her once the fog lifts. He has always been family and church oriented until her and is even joing me and kids at church tonight.

Do I actively steal him back or do I wait and just tell the small group of friends who are around them now that he moved to next county to give them a shove to honesty? Or do I wait and hope he breaks out of his new toxic relationship?

If I do work to get him back any tips for wooing an AP?