u/Chance_River_6822

You can check my post history for more context. Basically I am a Christian girlie who is on her abstinence journey (2 years!) and it flopped. I met a Nigerian guy on Bumble after years of not dating. Mind you, I have never dated an African man.

He initially met all of my qualifications and most of my desires (things I liked but didn’t need). Two glaring issues have emerged:

- we trigger each other‘s abandonment wounds. We are both hyper independent and struggle to connect authentically. I am more anxious-avoidant. Half of the time, I am still guessing if he likes me a lot? He cares I think but he’s so stoic, I can never truly know what he’s thinking. On some level, I understand it. He’s an immigrant (and a veteran) so I know it’s been hard on him being here and trying to find his way. But it’s been 3 months and I still haven’t been to his house or had a sleepover. The lack of true connection is bothering me. Which leads me to my next point:

- I vocalized early on how important abstinence is to me. He seemed supportive at first, and willing to try it out. But it has become very clear sex is important to him. And we have had sex a few times after he initiated. And now I’m left confused…I know what I want, and now we are not on the same page at all. Not being 100% on board with abstinence is fine, but having a casual sex style in a relationship is even more confusing.

I know this is a ridiculous post. But I’m trying to break up with him and he’s not having it. Which delights me in a sadistic way (because I hate a nonchalant man) but also I really do need to consider my mental health. What is your read on this? He’s a red flag right? I think I need encouragement to stand on big business

EDIT: Thank you for all the supportive comments and opinions. You helped me confirm that I am not crazy and need to ghost. A few clarifications/context if you’re nosy and want the tea:

- he’s 35 with no kids, supposedly never married

- military officer, 2 tours in Afghanistan

- I can confirm he’s in cyber security. I know, I know

- Yoruba (Nigerian man) whose family lives in multiple countries. His mom lives in NC

- Multiple homes (i can confirm this as well)

- could not find any marriage records. But I know for certain he never deleted Bumble profile, so he was probably open to cheating either way

- yes we had sex a few times. Recently I folded (it was great though, no lies).

- yes I’m depressed and have anxiety. new diagnosis. Ya girl will be on SSRIs soon, thankfully

Thanks for the loving and respectful comments in my previous post. I am emotionally going through a lot, but the support of other people in the faith helps keep me going. I am going to provide more context about my situation and testimony to encourage others.

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I am a devout Christian. I go to church 2-3x a week, I lead a Bible study small group. I’ve been saved for 3+ years now, although I was raised in church. I was abstinent for 2 years.

Since Oct 2025, I have been going through workplace bullying. I started a new job at my company (I’ve been there for almost 4 years) and it was a new team they created. Almost immediately, I was shown that I didn’t fit in or belong. We had a team happy hour and they took pictures without me, and posted them (just an example).

I began to experience panic attacks when I have never had them before. I had trouble sleeping at night past 3am. I was depressed, hardly eating, and so on. I stopped doing things I enjoyed, but I prayed and fasted intensely during this time. I read my Bible and cried a lot. Despite the toxicity at work, God led me to stay silent and forgive them. This process was very lonely.

I also felt led to write a book about my workplace experiences in January - March. I didn’t know if I would be able to stay on this team or if I would be laid off OR I would have to sue the company. It was that bad.

I met my ex boyfriend in February on Bumble. I was feeling super lonely, depressed and defeated on Valentine’s Day. All I wanted was comfort, to talk to someone, and to feel like I wasn’t alone. When I met him, he seemed like the perfect guy for me down to the specific details. However I always had anxiety around him, never sure why. Unfortunately he was someone who made it seem like they were Christian and had my convictions (even down to praying and fasting). I would learn at some point he did not.

Once someone at work made a false accusation about me to HR, I knew I had to escalate things. Eventually I told my mom and another older woman at my church what was happening. They prayed and fasted for me. A few days later, I was moved to a different team. These people were nice, collaborative and welcoming.

By April, it became clear this guy I was trying to see wasn’t the right person for me. We got into multiple arguments and I realized he was being distant. Almost like after we had sex, he didn’t care anymore. He was hot and cold, sometimes very interested and buying flowers, but other days disinterested. He never followed me on Instagram (after I asked), and I’ve never seen his home. The email he used to message me was a spam email using someone else’s name. I also haven’t been on a date with him during the weekend since we initially met. I began to question if he was already in a relationship with someone else…I may never know the truth.

I now believe that when you are truly trying your best and living for God, the devil will throw many things at you to discourage you. I am committed to being a Christian and going to church. So the only thing that the devil can do is persuade me to give up abstinence to get a boyfriend, to not feel lonely anymore. And I truly believe had I not had a mental health crisis, none of this would have ever happened. I was weak emotionally, and in a very vulnerable place of uncertainty.

I hope this is a good warning to others. Don’t take your spiritual walk lightly. Spiritual warfare is real out here.

TLDR; I went through months of bullying and mental health issues before I met my ex boyfriend. We had sex a few times and I regret it, as I was committed to abstinence for a few years beforehand.

EDIT: I have received multiple PM requests from men who saw this post. You’re not slick, but you are sick in the head. If you are a Christian man trying to shoot your shot because you want to have premarital sex, you need to repent. You are the exact kind of false Christian that the Bible warns about. This is not an opportunity for you to get a gf.

I was raised Christian and have been one for most of my life. In February of this year I met a man that seemed like a great fit for me. He checked off everything on my list except one thing: sexual purity. He said he would respect my desire for abstinence until marriage but it didn’t last long. I tried to fight this but sadly I fell into sin with him. We have had sex 4 times in 3 months…it feels less like a mistake and more like rebellion at this point.

I’m breaking things off with him today. It will hurt. As I get older, I find myself trying harder and harder to make it work with a christian man. But all the guys seems to want sex before marriage. I don’t want that.

I hope God will forgive me for this, and I can forgive myself. I let God down, and I’m sure he’s very disappointed.