u/Chance_Static6656

(I'm positive I can say more and that I am capable of putting all of this more elegantly and with greater poise but I want some semblance of it to be known)

I’ve known none of it matters now other than whatever moving forward holds. It’s just hard to attune to the future when things cease abruptly. I hope you understand that about where I am. Our friendship has meant so much to me outside of the recent closeness and I don't want my flailing and/or seeming lack thereof to impose a weight upon it. Friendship has honestly been the only thing I ever expected from our connection but the complexity casts confusion so I ask for forgiveness for my current state whether you see it or not, it's not how I want to be remembered as.

I hope you see that I accept things for what they are. I'm not looking for a different outcome in any way. I'm grateful for what was and those feelings have intricate edges at times, but I'll always be glad to walk away with a friend and fellow cheerleader through life if that's what's still offered.

I’m sorry for being confusing- For any hurt I caused or I may continue to cause in my fear to address things. My trepidation to acknowledge what’s occurred is purely my own and I’m grateful you allow me to process these things in my own time but please understand that I know these things are important and should be discussed. I think you believe me to be intelligent and aware and I won't let you down on that. You mean a lot to me- as a friend, fellow human being and for whoever/whatever you are and have been to me outside of those capacities and I don’t want to leave that as something to be questioned by not mentioning what's passed.

It's possible of course that you may not care even slightly. May be moving happily along without a thought cast back in my direction and that would be great. I honestly don’t want you to be affected by where I am or any perception of how you may have overwhelmed me- I don't want you think I feel like a victim in that you "did" something to me which may seem contrary to what I've written- I'm processing and I don't typically share those things outright but I do want to be understood.. there's a layer of unusual opacity since what we've been hasn't exactly been clear nor surveyed for expansion and I'm attempting (as I have been for a long time) to ascertain how I might broach that notion of development. Just know that I’m okay ultimately. The brain is tricky though in situations like these no matter how logical someone is so I hope you forgive my attempts at expression and forms of analysis and that by my doing so it doesn't make you think less of me.

I understand it’s up to me how afflicted I let myself become and how quickly I can let go. I always have found my footing- I’m smart and rational and I have a few friends who are kind and supportive. I don't want to pretend this didn't happen which is something I would have done in the past. I am very aware I also played a role. I believe you understand I know this and also that it was a joint effort of sorts as so many things in life often are. I’m sorry for playing my role in it the way I did, but if it’s led to good things then that’s the way it had to be and we both will continue on. I still regret any pain I may have inflicted though through my inaction and failure to speak up as other posts will restate. You never deserved confusion and though I never felt any about you, I did fuck all to tell you outright and for that and any suffering that may have caused I am deeply sorry.

You’re gorgeous in every possible way that can be applied and I’m lucky and grateful to have a chance to see that more closely, I know.
I’m sorry for being unable to hold whatever it was and you well enough to understand and give you what you needed/wanted and to show you what I truly needed/wanted to both give and receive as well as to show what I felt for you. I will say though that it does seem to be playing out in your favor and you're finding those things now and for that I am thankful, truly, and I in no way want to interfere with what lies ahead in that part of your life.

I will acknowledge it hurts, it does, for many reasons, but I think it does more so right now because I don’t know where/how to pick up our relationship. We were friends or so I believed since that’s what you've always referred to me as but now our conversations and syncopation are VASTLY different and I am left perplexed and treading lightly. I don’t want to get this wrong and push you away. I don’t want to fade away either but I don’t know how to be with you from where I’m standing. This box though identically labelled, is feeling increasingly smaller and I’m afraid I don’t quite understand. I’m left sensing that I do everything wrong and that you see me as more of a nuisance. It could be that it's all in my mind, that you’re also confused of how to be, are busy and/or are figuring out what the best track to follow is... as well as all manner of other possibilities. I’ll respect whatever dimension remains, you know this.
I just want you know that I'm confused, not disinterested. I think this will likely lead me to talking with you at some point. Your friendship means more to me than silence and resignation that's struggled for on my part.

I want to say:

I care for you deeply and I always will.
I respect you greatly and that will never change.
I will always support you in every possible way I can.
I always will only have love for you- and I’m sorry but none of those things can be altered.

I feel bad that I’m still working through things and that if this meaning a lot to me might be seen as overwhelming to you in some way- processing what this has brought up is taking time and losing balance in our friendship is throwing me off on top of what life already unapologetically delivers.
Everything evolves including understanding of things that have transpired. Some factors that can add sense over time are (but which are not limited to): traumas, mechanisms, actions and emotions on top of general complications in being and neurocomplexities- and this all creates a long process of discovering, assimilating and growing while striving to become better.
I’m thankful you’ve been a part of that, but I am sorry too for reasons I believe are obvious. I hope you can remain patient with me while I continue to gather myself and figure out the best route ahead. I am and will always be here for you.

I hope the person I become will make you proud one day.

There's only so much someone can fit in a message;
I'm sorry.

You wouldnt like it but I tell myself that I mean nothing and that my existence is/has been inconsequential. It brings a strange biting comfort when I yell statements like those at the top of my lungs- a new volume I have only recently found compared to seemingly languorous silence.
Retelling myself I am nothing and I have meant nothing to you all along since I toyed and sometimes lost to that thought for so long already makes it feel like a buffer come too late.
Those accusations continue to sting because I imagine they must not be true.
It would be so much more simple if I could just hurt and be mad at you for causing it. I know any anguish is my own making and I am just as in charge of releasing it and relinquishing control…
which may be something that frightens me along with just letting this go as if what was between us was nothing.
How simple the act of continuing on really is. As if it would be freeing to step off that cliff into nothingness and fog obscuring some obvious yet unseeable end.
I don’t want to understand.
It’s disconcerting the fact that you already have progressed without looking back and I was not even considered or spoken with except to be notified of being left behind.
I gave out so easily to usher your ascension.
You seemed so resolute- was that cruelty or kindness?
I didn’t want to suspend you in any discomfort or give any confusion so I made space immediately hoping to make way for your future without me in it.
So I didn’t want to let go, not out of disinterest or to gain relief but really just wanting to make it simple for you. I know how important that would be to me and I’ve felt so similarly to that situation with you myself, how could I not wish to bless it how I might somehow?
Ensuring ease for you is all that was available to me.
I know my mistakes with this, I see it everywhere and I've experienced it regularly.
It makes me frustrated with myself and also have compassion since I know the root causes but then I detest myself again because I lost the only person I ever truly wanted and possibly hurt you.
The lessons are brutal, and the universe is a harsh harsh mistress. I curse her sometimes but it is in vain and I have appreciated her teachings though they’ve been nightmares to get through and I am never left unscathed. Little mercies that time occasionally dulls aches.
I love you and I have sometimes lamented that I have and I do. I hate that I haven't known what I wanted before or since meeting you and having now only reached for what I could never allow myself to have or what never wanted me in the first place. I'm left wondering were you even reaching for me at all?
What a strange thing to perpetually struggle against oneself believing one is going to die if the person they loved knew how they really felt- if by saying it to them it would end life utterly or a death would befall either party tragically shortly thereafter.
I loathe that part of my brain but I know I love you and I wish I could tell you (or could have). I'm sorry I don't think I'll be able to express these things except in places like this or unless I'm gone- I wrote fragments down just in case

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt good enough for you. You’ve intimidated me but maybe that’s because I never got a chance to know the real you when it felt we were on a more level playing field. I had to stay away for safety and I felt deserving of that lower tier but I never got a chance to grow beside you. I always wanted to find myself closer to you and somehow lucked out but not in the ways or at the depth that I had hoped.
When I did initially I was afraid and couldn’t speak and this time I still couldn’t conduct myself well enough to be open no matter how much I wanted to. It didn’t matter how motivated I was, how much I convinced myself I was ready or how determined I was to show you how you deserved to be loved and grown with, how badly I wanted to love you fully and make you more a serious part of my life- I still wound up a spectacular failure. I’m sorry if I made you doubt yourself or if I hurt you with my inabilty to show you how much you meant to me by succombing to my doubts and trauma mechanisms.
I think it’s possible we were both unreadable to each other. Maybe out of care for ourselves or one another, out of fear or uncertainty of how the other felt and trepidatious of what it would mean or what would come next if we were both on the same page. Could be you never felt anything and guilt quietly settled in.
I feel now I was a placeholder. A stepping stone for you, and that suuucks to be left behind but I also genuinely want your life to be filled with happiness whatever that looks like. I feel like a dumbass, but people in my life have better things to do than continue to listen to me.
I do regret what transpired and I don’t. If what we shared led to your fulfillment then I’m glad, but I also hate to think that any thought of me is long gone maybe because you think you know me as a result of this encounter (trust me, you don’t- just as I recognize I don’t know all of you). I still want so desperately to understand and know you more but now I don’t think that will ever be possible. Even as friends you feel unreachable and that pains me as someone who is deep and longs to know everything. I don't know what's admissible to say or ask as friends, just as before when I was even more confused with where we stood, but the box feels smaller now and I don't know how friends work especially like this. It also wrecks me that any “maybe” you have had is relegated to the past to be forgotten while I’m still left with questions and lost hopes. Dreams left to fade colorless under suns on the sands of time.
Our time may elapse into a nostalgic and loving memory one day for me… but I honestly can’t envision that at this time.
I’ve compared everyone to you and how you made me feel as pathetic as that sounds. You were all I wanted and I really outdid myself in failing. I understand I should let it all go and c’est la vie and all of that, but fuck, love remains, ya know? It fucking sucks and it’s hard to let go of something you put your love into and were building dreams toward. If I had opened my mouth even a fraction...
You’ll always have a place in my heart. A you shaped hole that won’t be filled will remain. I hurt more than I ever have, and it’s hard to sit with that while the world revolves no matter how much I try to convince myself I’m fine.

I’m having a hard time pretending things are okay. I’m not fine. I’m making myself be okay because what choice do I have? Your happiness is important to me but I’m left working toward broken dreams now. We weren’t nothing but I’m left with what feels like that much. My vision is gone. We’re friends but I know you felt it too. How can I look at you like I didn’t see a future in front of me? You would be upset if you knew how much self hatred I hurl at myself because of this so I shove that down. I know my mechanisms and the trauma that makes me tick so I have to forgive myself for failing on what I’ve always wanted and that confliction is absolutely maddening.
 I’m sorry we didn’t overcome our fears to tell eachother what we felt and see if this could go anywhere. I’m sorry this has become what “we” are but I wish you would have told me sooner, we might have talked and found out sooner what we thought of one another even if the outcome was the same. I know you don’t entertain people for fun so I feel pretty certain you saw something in me. I regret not saying anything in the beginning or asking for a more thorough conversation.
You know I want what makes you happy but I want you to know and don’t feel I can tell you the truth that the reason why I looked so confident is because of you. I became more sure of myself because of where I thought we were going and who you were to me. I wanted to BE more because of you and you let me believe it. To be loved by you made me feel invincible. So when you told me that you noticed and liked how confident I was becoming I have to turn my head away because I know that accomplishment was more for you and now it means nothing. I don’t want to hurt you with that information but it felt like a slap when you gave me that compliment. I know you meant it genuinely and you’re not just saying these things to make yourself feel like you’re leaving me in good shape but it fucking sucks.
I know I was always afraid to say it but I miss you and I love you. I can’t not feel those ways when it comes to you. The door is always open for you- not that you’ll ever need it again... but we really need to try and talk if there’s ever a next time, okay?