u/Chandler_Simpson

This is just outrageous to me. Obviously I understood when I bought the subscription that there would be games I couldn't watch because they're Apple TV or Netflix or whatever and that's fine

But literally every single game today is on Peacock or NBC? What the fuck?! I pay over $100 for my MLB subscription and there's not a single baseball game I can watch today?

Straight up unacceptable

I'm teabagging your ass at the exit gate with impunity

Hello I'm 35m. I've had issues with substance abuse and addiction for most of my adult life. Throughout most of my 20s I was consuming heavy amounts of alcohol daily before finally being able to quit. Then about four years ago I began abusing my prescription Adderall and Vyvanse before discovering meth which I abused heavily and near daily for two years. I started my journey quitting meth early last year, but had a few relapses along the way. As of now I've been completely clean from stimulants for six months

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I've been experiencing some strange mental health phenomenon during my clean time which I know isn't unexpected but still it feels unusual compared to depression/anxiety I've had in the past. Sometimes I get these flickers of I guess irrational or delusional thoughts; almost like quiet echoes of the psychotic episodes I'd occasionally experience on meth binges. Weird life coincidences, or patterns, or just something out of the ordinary will trigger this sort of paranoid or conspiratorial thought process sometimes. But so far it's been something I've been able to ignore or rationalize out of. Does this get better over time? It just makes me fear that maybe the next time it happens I won't be able to shake it off

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The other thing that's been happening, especially the last few days is I keep feeling like I'm going to die soon. Like I'm coming up on the end of the third act of a film or something. I've been thinking a lot about death, my own death or family members or pets. I dream about death often. I've never really thought about death before in my life so this is very strange for me. These dreadful feelings really became amplified after I had something like a sudden and extraordinarily disturbing mental breakdown or panic attack last weekend that triggered almost like an epiphany of how bad of a person I've been my whole life. How people have cared about me and tried to help me and I just took advantage of them. The nice thing is that this breakdown/epiphany was so terribly frightening and disturbing to me that it's really motivated me to try to be a better partner, father, son, friend, community member in a way that I've never quite experienced before. That's the only silver lining, otherwise it may honestly have been the worst sensation I've ever had in my entire life. There's no way to describe how deeply unsettling and powerful it was

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So maybe I just am thinking a lot about death because I'm very terrified of the fact that if I die soon; I'll only be remembered for the awful and frustrating person I was. That I'll never get enough time to redeem myself to the people I love. It's not really suicidal ideation I don't think because I don't want to die; in fact I very much want to live

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Idk I feel like maybe this is normal; after my panic attack last weekend I pretty much immediately quit using kratom and stopped vaping entirely as well (15 years using nicotine), and I'm sure that's providing a great deal of instability to my mental health right now but like; I just had my first kid last spring. I don't want any of this stuff to come along with me into his life, ya know? If I drop it all now, if I try to be better now, then he won't remember this last kind of rocky year.

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The only thing making me wonder if this isn't normal is that I'm not really craving any of the substances anymore. I don't want them at all in my life. But maybe they were such a big part of my life for so long that the world is just really really unfamiliar to me without them. I just want to be better, and treat the people I care about and love the way they should be treated and valued and I feel lost approaching it all. I know sobriety is a big endeavor and it takes time; but boy it sure is kind of scary isn't it

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And just FYI; I have scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist for the soonest available time slot to discuss all this with her. But idk I figured maybe many of you could relate