u/ChanelNo13 — reddlx

Last night, as I was once again, struggling to sleep and woken up in the middle of the night because of melancholy thoughts of him… I began praying that God would help me get through this. Begging and pleading and crying, honestly.

I should have already deleted his text messages by now, but because I still missed him, I didn’t. I went to through our messages again and was looking for something that I forget now and landed on where we had one of our earliest arguments. This argument was caused by him.

I read it over and realized that he in fact was manipulating me for months that him breaking up with me last week really meant nothing because I tried breaking up with him way before, and he wouldn’t allow it. He promised that we would go to Counselling for months while making my life a living hell.

I can stop missing him now and stop feeling sorry and guilty for all of the harsh bitter ways I treated him in the last couple of months of the relationship because throughout our messages, I can see now he just kept feeding me lies.

When I asked him what his biggest weakness was in relationships, he told me it was his pride. And he was certainly right. What I didn’t anticipate was that aside from giving me backhanded supportive comments, make jokes at my expense, share unreliable narratives about everyone in his personal life… that he would quietly spazz on me frequently for any given reason and when I would defend myself, his pride would puff up & he would start saying hurtful things to protect his evil little ego. In his mind, he believed that because he didn’t raise his voice, whatever he was doing to me wasn’t that bad.

He also normalized that I was the real problem because I would raise my voice after he would upset me. I didn’t begin raising my voice until about month 3 of being subjected to his reactive abuse. The specific text conversation that I landed on showed me that I did have a back bone months ago and straight up broke up with him for mistreating me.

It sent a cold shiver down my body when I saw that after saying goodbye, he sent me a huge paragraph apologizing
and promised to make up for it. I remember now that I asked him if we could do an exercise where we could write each other essays about how much we love each other. I had done that before we got into the argument that day so now he had another thing to make up for and was using the previous thing. I asked him for as fake bait just to keep me in his life.

I had this essay idea come to me in the morning before calling him and inevitably being spazzed at because I was experiencing a bit of anxiety about money disappearing from his account that I had trusted him with so that I could get to and from work. Because of my previous trauma with trafficking,

I felt myself beginning to split when he incorrectly told me about the amount that was left on his account. We sat there and went through the transactions over the phone and found out that I was missing money because of him. My first reaction was not to do anything but de-escalate my anxiety by stating the facts about the situation to ground myself. He interjected by throwing in that he didn’t do it on purpose in a defensive tone, and I agreed with him simultaneously as he said it. He didn’t hear me though (as he usually didn’t whenever he talked over me) and then just proceeded to angrily complain about the fact that we were having the conversation at all.

I had no access to my Uber account because a previous ex got me locked out of it by misusing it. I sent all of the emails and information to Uber to try to get it resolved, but I’m still locked out to this day. He let me know when I ask that it was no problem for him to do it and I told him that at any time if it was overwhelming for him as I needed to get up at 6 AM, that I would just handle it myself.

There was “some sort of glitch” he explained. That was after I called a clip on because of his undeserved aggression towards me. He claimed that when he tried to pay for his own breakfast (again, ordering food knowing he should be saving his money), that it switched last second when the payment went through to my gift card payment method.

Looking back on it now, that was probably complete bullshit and he probably just spent the money, hoping that I wouldn’t notice. I actually didn’t even mind him using it, I just wanted to know what was going on. I loved him so much that if he needed it, I would’ve given him the rest of the money on that gift card and he knew/knows that.

I believe it was bs because he bullshitted me the same day about being sorry and wanting to write the essay that I asked for. Because of his frequent reactive behavior, I found it very difficult to trust him. He let me know in an early conversation that his father used to physically assault his mom when he was drunk and that terrified me because I had already been through that in a previous relationship and didn’t want to go through that again. I know better than to think that physical abusers start by abusing you right away. It happens slowly overtime with non-physical abuse and only gets worse as time goes on.

I really didn’t ask for much in our relationship. He made it seem like I did, but I didn’t. It was his choice to waste his money on Uber eats and weed and anything else he wanted to spend his money on. What I realize now is that he was just looking for someone to blame.

Now that I have hindsight and distance from him, the entire conversation that day was a manipulation tactic, and I caught him red in his tracks. The only reason I feel sad now because I went through that. But I’m not blaming myself.

I would’ve been happy with going on walk cause I’m doing puzzles and having deep talks in bed for months on end. Yes, I do enjoy a nice dinner but the fanciest place we ever went to was Chuck’s roadhouse.

It’s dawning on me finally that he was just a lazy piece of shit when it came to romance once a little time passed and he began coming face to face with the reality that I am indeed a complex human being with wants and needs that are more than just the ideas he has in his own head.

Even that spontaneous trip to Mexico that he took me on was purely for his own selfish needs to fulfil his longtime goal of leaving the country because his friends left him out. For the longest time I told myself I was selfish and using him because I let him pay for everything, but my CMHA worker helped me remember that I told him I didn’t wanna go because I didn’t have the money yet. He played me by saying that he would cover it and not to worry. He told me that money would be tight for maybe a month and a half after but it was just tight afterward for about three months anyway. And that was with me letting him use some of the the money from my Uber cards that I got from the AHT program I got signed up for this past January.

I know that I’m being harsh, but it’s better this way. For my self-respect, I don’t want to continue with missing and loving somebody who made it seem like I was a burden when in fact, he just put his emotional burdens on me the entire time and called it “love”. Fuck boy ass behavior.

I’m so embarrassed for believing someone who said he resents his mother, hates his father and doesn’t really have a good relationship with his sister was a good person. He spoke so negatively about his home, his friends and only worshipped his guy best friend Nathan… someone who he told me was dating somebody he had made out with over ten years ago under the pretense of “full transparency”. I didn’t need to know that and he should have protected his own and Angie’s privacy better.

The best thing about this is realizing that everything I did was coming from a genuine place in my heart and so in my next relationship, when the right person comes, I’ll be able to know exactly what went wrong last time. I also know that whenever he decides to move on, that he will have to live with the knowledge that he in fact fumbled someone who really loved him. Not the other way around. I pray the next woman he meets does him worse than he did me.

Good riddance.