u/Chaotic_ServiceBerry

I’ve begun to study your face
Like it’s my favorite book
The way you tilt your head side to side
As a subconscious gesture
When you’re thinking
The way your lips and eyes curve
In hunger
At my daunting smirks
The dark shadows you try to hide
From the coldness that creeps in
The lack of sleep
From relentless uncertainty of everything
And I think to myself again and again
Of the trials I would endure
To bring more justice to society for you
I would set the world on fire
To keep you warm

You have begun to seep into every crack in my mind, and adhere to every thought that has made me ever doubt happiness.

The timbre of your laughter haunts me so much that its ring alone is destroying the fabric of my life. And I’m letting it, so that I can build a new one upon the ashes.

Because to exist in a world with you, is to be stripped of every mistake I have ever made, every struggle I’ve ever had, everything I read, write, or aspire to be. Everything that I have been and could be. Everything I wish I was, or wish I wasn’t.

Your eyes strip from me everything I’ve tried so hard to hide, so that my very soul is laid naked. You handle me with a gentleness I didn’t know existed. And still, you stay, despite my attempts to keep you at a safe distance.

I know there are timelines where we aren’t together. Timelines where you live in another country. Timelines where I’m sitting at a desk in an expensive townhouse, staring out a window, imagining you as a hummingbird flys by. And in one of those timelines I call to ask you, how is Germany? How are you doing? And you tell me about delicious bratwurst’s and expat friends. I tell you about the books I’ve written, the underground dances I go to.

It could be nice. Those other timelines.

But the one I want is us, lying on towels, on the beach. We’re discussing everything from politics to philosophy, and at the same time nothing at all. We talk for hours, and periodically say “just 15 more minutes” as the sun lowers himself below the horizon, and the moon dances her way across the sky.

Has anyone ever experienced extreme anxiety as a side effect of a covid infection by chance? I didn’t want to ask the other covid related communities because I didn’t want to deal with the general lack of background knowledge most people have compared to here. Thanks in advance peeps 🙏

If you have trouble sleeping tonight, just think of me and remember “fuck it we ball”

Maybe the answers we desire so much will reveal themselves between the breaths of our silence

I’m just casually losing my mind without you. Don’t worry about it. It’s my problem not yours. I’m still hoping you try to contact me though, even though I asked you not to.

I wish you would let me love you, but you won’t, not in the way you need, not in the way I need. Instead you hold onto something that’s hurting you, and I’m doing the same. Life isn’t easy for people like us, people with chronic illnesses, people society abandoned. People others abandoned. People who sometimes abandon themselves.

I wish you would let me be your safe place. I would hold your face in my hands, and stroke your cheek and tell you I can be your home. I can promise you I would love you like no one else ever could. I would never leave you, never risk your health, I would never give up on you. I would never get tired of your endless questions, your banter, your intensity. I live for it. You help me remember the sides of myself I thought I lost.

If you let me love you I would tell you that you don’t have to be angry at the world anymore, you can give your anger to me and I’ll hold it for you so you can finally rest. I’ve already been angry for what feels like my entire life, and I’ve learned how to carry it softly, how to undo its twisted parts so you can see the pain underneath.

I watch you do things that are detrimental to your well being out of pain, and I know it’s just because deep down you’re tired of being hurt, left to fend for yourself, abandoned by people who were supposed to care for you.

I know that experience, I’ve lived it. I think we could help heal each other. You told me you were too afraid, when I wanted to try to make things work. Then, when you finally came back around I told you I was too afraid. And then just like that you slip away from me again. Look at us. How silly?

And I can’t beg you to let me love you. I can’t beg you for more if you aren’t ready. I told you to never contact me again because I couldn’t wait in purgatory for you forever. But that was such a lie. I’ll always be waiting for you.

Even if it takes me a hundred lifetimes I will wait for you and I will find you again. I just hope in one of those lifetimes, you let me love you.

- A