u/CharacterSweet8309

Throughout our relationship there's been cheating, lying, hidden messages, boundary issues with other women, substance abuse problems, and constant broken promises. Every time I try to communicate calmly about how hurt I am, it somehow turns into me being "too emotional" "dramatic" or the problem for reacting. We have also fallen into a cycle where things get bad, he apologizes and says he'll change. Things then Improve briefly, and then the same behavior happens again.

The hardest part is that logically I know this relationship is hurting me but emotionally I still love him deeply and keep holding onto hope that he WILL become the version of himself I keep waiting for. I feel drained, anxious, attached, and honestly embarrassed that I still care this much after everything that's happened. I guess my question is: How do you know when you're staying because of love versus staying because of emotional attachment and hope? And how do you actually let go when your heart hasn't caught up to what your mind already knows?

TL;DR: 33F dating 37M**(wrong age in title sorry) for almost 8 years. Relationship has involved cheating, lies, broken boundaries, substance issues, and repeated promises to change. Mentally I know the relationship is unhealthy, but emotionally I still feel attached and can't seem to let go. How do you know when it's time to walk away for good?

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years and I'm emotionally exhausted. I do love him deeply. Honestly more than I can even explain but I feel in my soul he doesn't love me the same way no matter how many times he says he does. His actions NEVER match his words. There have been soooo many broken promises, more than I can remember. Cheating, emotional hurt, disrespect, & yearsssss of waiting for things to get better. I've stayed through everything. Literally everything. Somehow I still can't hate him. I still want him to be my person. I still want marriage ASAP. I still want the future we talked about.

Years ago after we lost my apartment I moved into his parents home with him. His parents kicked me out exactly a year later, but he stayed there. I begged him to leave with me and figure things out together, but he didn't want to. That broke me honestly, but I still stayed. He promised we'd get back under the same roof soon. He said he would get a job & help me. But that only happened AFTER he cheated on me and was really trying to make it right.. that time. He only worked at a pizza shop for less than 4 weeks before getting fired. Now it's been 3 years & nothing has changed. He still lives at his parents, still says he's trying to figure things out, still says he's trying to get a job. Meanwhile I’m here barley holding it together. I feel so depressed. So alone. I just emotionally exhausted carrying all of this while still trying to hold onto our relationship. We've always talked about being soulmates and growing old together but now it feels like our relationship is just ily texts & “when are you coming over?” Or arguing bc he doesn’t understand what I need from him.

I keep thinking maybe I'm trauma bonded, maybe I'm too forgiving, or maybe I just love too hard. I don't understand why I still hold onto someone who has hurt and disappointed me sooo many times while still wanting him to finally become the person he promised me he would be. The person he truly is. I think what hurts the most is grieving the relationship I thought we were going to have while still being unable to let go of the hope that it could somehow still happen. I’ve been losing myself trying to save a relationship that seems like it only survives on hope and potential. I’d really like to hear perspectives from people who have experienced something similar because emotionally I feel stuck.

I'm looking for honest outside perspectives because I feel really stuck. I've been with my fiancé for over 7 years. We got engaged about 3 years ago, but we've never actually made it down the aisle. Not because we don't talk about it, we've tried multiple times. We've had several "almost weddings" & even went to the courthouse more than 3x, but something always stopped it. Sometimes it was because of his struggles with drugs, sometimes he forgot important things like his ID, other times he just wasn't ready on time & we missed appointments. It's been excuse after excuse. On top of that, he cheated on me last year & had a whole affair. Telling this person horrible things about me and telling her he loved her, not me. That we were "done" when in fact, we were perfectly fine. It was just the drug use, ignoring me and cheating obviously. I called off the engagement back in April 2025 because of it, but we're still together trying to figure things out. Throughout the year I found out he was still in contact with her even seeing her, still telling her he loves her. Ugh. It was honestly very heartbreaking to even see that right in front of my eyes. I kept forgiving. At this point, I feel exhausted & honestly embarrassed. I don't feel secure. I don't feel chosen. I feel like if someone truly wanted to marry you, they would make it happen. Especially after so many years and these many chances. I don't know if l'm being too impatient or if l've been too patient.

Oh also I almost didn’t add that his father did unfortunately pass in February so I’ve really been trying to make sure he’s okay and not be self destructive again. I love him. I want the best for him and it’s been hard for everyone but really hard on him.

So l guess my question is.. Does this sound like someone who genuinely wants to marry me but is struggling... or someone who just isn't going to follow through? And if you were in my position, would you keep waiting or walk away? I really appreciate any honest advice.