Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I’ve never actually posted on here before, but I’m at a total loss and have no one else to talk to about this.
I'm a senior in high school and gay and very much in the closet. I kind of always knew the fact about myself but i haven't had the courage to really tell anyone yet. Over the last few months, I’ve ended up getting really close with this guy(we’ll call him John). John is also a senior, a lacrosse player, and definitely in the "popular/extroverted" crowd of people at my school.
We ended up in the same French class this year, which is mostly underclassmen. Aside from one girl who basically never shows up, we’re the only two seniors in there. Because of that, we naturally started sitting together and talking.
I wouldn’t say I’m really shy, but I’m definitely a lot more introverted than he is and pretty reserved. I usually don't get close with people easily but for some reason, in the last couple months I became really comfortable with John almost immediately. He’s kind of a lot to be honest lol. He can be an idiot sometimes and a little insensitive especially when he's with his friends. (They always make stupid gay and kind of homophobic jokes. It bothers me sometimes but I mostly ignore it) But when it’s just us, he’s a lot different. He's a good listener better than I ever gave him credit for, and he’s way calmer and nicer than he is around his other friends.
But the problem is that John is incredibly physically affectionate. He’s always putting an arm around my shoulder or choosing to sit so close that our legs are touching or finding any excuse to touch me. I thought I was just being delusional at first but I noticed it happen all the time. It makes me a wreck because I can’t deny that I’m extremely attracted to him. I try to play it cool and act like I don’t notice or care, but it’s honestly driving me insane when I think about this. He does this thing where whenever he wants something has a stupid pout and tilts his head and its adorable but infuriating because I'll always give in. Anyways I'm rambling lol.
I’m not big on parties because I get overstimulated really easily but John is constantly nagging me to go with him. When we do go, John always gets absolutely wasted. The drunker he gets, the louder and more touchy-feely he becomes. To be honest, I don’t really like seeing him that drunk, but I find myself going just to make sure he’s okay, and then I’m stuck dealing with all these mixed signals while he’s hanging all over me in front of everyone.
But for the most part it was great. I actually felt excited to go to school every morning just to see him and we started hanging out after school sometimes too, usually going out to get food or go play pickleball.
And then prom happened. It was last weekend, and I originally wasn't going to go because my friends were going with their partners and I didn't really feel like 3rd wheeling. But John wouldn't let it go. He insisted I join his group and even "hooked me up" with a date. It was his girlfriend’s friend who had apparently been crushing on me for forever. It was a nightmare.I was miserable the entire night. I felt terrible for my date. she was sweet, but I could tell she knew I wasn't feeling it. I tried my best to be respectful and keep the conversation going because she didn't deserve a jerk for a date, but I couldn't bring myself to pretend to be interested or lead her on. I was miserable I just spent the night watching John and his girlfriend from across the room, feeling bitter and jealous.
Eventually, the whole group moved to an after-party. John, predictably, drank a lot. Admittedly I had a bit to drink too, though I stayed sober enough to function. By the end of the night, I ended up being the one to drive a couple of friends and John home.
When it was finally just the two of us left in the car, things took a turn. We were parked in his driveway(his parents were out of town) and John started saying all these things about how he doesn't feel comfortable with anyone else the way he does with me. He told me I was the only person who "actually got him" and that he’d been thinking about me constantly for months. My brain was short-circuiting. I was so exhausted I don't think I really processed what he was saying. I tried to stay grounded, and told him "John, you don't know what you're saying. You’re drunk. And You have a girlfriend, you shouldn't really be saying this." But a small part of me was absolutely elated. Then he looked me dead in the eye and said, "I'm not that drunk, man. I know what I'm saying."
One thing led to another, and we ended up making out in the car. I tried telling him we should stop, that this was a mistake, but he was so insistent, so focused on me. We ended up in his room. I knew it was a terrible idea, but in that moment, with the way he was looking at me, like he truly loved me, I couldn't stop. It was my first time.I eventually fell asleep in his bed, but I woke up suddenly around 4 AM in a pnaciked state. The reality of what happened hit me and i got dressed quickly grabbed my stuff, and drove home without waking him up. Looking back, that was probably a mistake, but I don't know what else I should have done.
The next morning, I felt physically ill. I immeditately sent him a long text, trying to be honest about what happened and how I felt, but he just left me on read. When I went to French monday morning, his seat was empty. He’s been ghosting me ever since and hasn't been in class for days. He avoids me in the hallways, looking the other way if we’re about to cross paths, and he hasn't picked up a single one of my calls or answered my texts. I've stopped trying.
I feel so crushed. I feel like I’ve horribly messed up a friendship that meant so much to me. I'm terrified that he hates me now, or worse, that he’s disgusted by me and what we did. I don't know how to fix this, or if it's even fixable.
Does anyone have advice or clarity on navigate this because I'm losing my mind. It might be irrational but I'm also scared he might tell someone.(he probably won't but idk) How do I handle seeing him every day when he won't even look at me?