u/Character__Nebula

I guess a semi-discussion too? I feel like even my close friends feel this way, but I feel bad that it seems like I keep going back to self-harm after years. I've been having issues with it since I was like 13-14 so about 10 years almost?? If not over 10 years tbh.

It's just highly upsetting and extremely disappointing that it feels like it's being put onto a "you're in your 20s, you should be over it." Maybe I should be? I really can't tell anymore and it fucking blows.

Like OBVIOUSLY I shouldn't be doing it, I totally understand! It's just, upsetting, I guess? Disappointing that when I need help it's almost dumbed down to a "you're old enough to know better", but it's not anyone else's responsibility either so in a way I get it. They dtill try to say it politely but it feels mean the way they've talked to me about it. I guess oh well, it is MY problem so I get it.

TW for brief suicide mention

Somewhat a vent about being undiagnosed and relating to OCD. I'm currently seeking out a diagnosis, if possible, due to what my friends have pointed out to me. I'm not sure if I'll be diagnosed with OCD but it seems highly likely that I seem to have what people deem "Pure O" but I understand that it's not as white and black as that. I know the idea of subtypes can also lead to people not getting diagnosed, so I've been researching as much as possible. Regardless, a large part of it is revolving around my friends/family, my actions, my responsibility, and my person/identity.

I know it's not good to "rely" on what other people say since they aren't professionals but I've been nonstop researching and one of my typing/journaling compulsions got worse (my therapist has said I have obsessive/compulsive tendencies.) I see a lot of people talking/meme-ing about OCD constantly checking things (stoves for example) or having magical thinking, and I don't seem to have that due to being so far in my own brain at times. Magical thinking is an on the fence thing because I think sometimes it may seem like I do in the thick of it.

I think I just wanted to vent because I can't tell if I have OCD due to it being less "sterotypical" or not relating to physical compulsions and magical thinking. I'm not asking anyone to tell me if I do or don't, but I just relate to a lot of the signs and it's leaving me very unnerved if not upset. It's not bad to have OCD (even if it's like your brain torturing you), but I'm just anxious to find out what could be "wrong" with me because I feel so much responsibility to fix myself and not hurt anyone ever. I want to be able to have a good life, and be here.

Before I went to therapy, I was in such a bad (potential) flare-up that I had almost took my life. I was sure all of my friends hated me and was checking their messages, reactions and myself, their feelings, my feelings, constantly looking for reassurance and just generally getting worse regardless of how much reassurance and kindness people gave me. I knew, rationally, they loved me but I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't believe them even when I knew that nothing bad was happening. I think it feels more clear why others think I have OCD when I think about those VERY specific things, but I don't know. I still think it sucks and it makes me stressed, I hope I get diagnosed soon so I can be able to professionally say "look at that!" So I'm not going in circles of insanity over the terror of not knowing even if I 100% know I'll doubt it even if on paper blahhh!!!