These memory issues are going to cost me my marriage.
I'm just exhausted.
Had another conversation with my wife - the same conversation we've had three times now. All of the special occasions I didn't "show up" for. All the conversations I forgot. All the times I just made the wrong choice because I didn't understand the hint or forgot about the last time I screwed up the same exact way.
Why can't I remember anything? Growing up is just a void. I hardly remember college. I feel like I exist solely in this moment right now. I hate it. People will talk about things I did for them that had a huge impact and I have no idea what they're talking about.
I'm terrified.
I don't blame my wife for being hurt because fuck man. No one should be put through that by a loved one. But now we have a daughter and that's what makes me most afraid.
My last ditch effort to keep this together is to try journaling every night and just trying to keep track of what I'm actually doing, the commitments I've made, and making sure I'm being intentional with people in my life. If anyone knows of anything that works... Please. God please.
It's funny that I can tell you exactly where some functionality is in an application at work. Or where some USB dongle is that i put in a box two years ago.
But I can't remember why my wife is hurt.
clarification:
I love my wife. yes, I am medicated. it helps, but isn't a magic fix all. She is hurt by things I did and I don't expect her to forgive me just because my brain ain't right. I want her to be comfortable and I truly want to stay together, but whatever comes next has to be her decision. I'm hoping to just spend 3 months intentionally working on me and us and seeing if that moves things in a positive direction but we will see.