I’m an 18-year-old mom, and I use voice-to-text, so sorry if anything is confusing. But I did go through ChatGPT to edit it and I did read over it so it should be good.
For context: I got pregnant at 16. The father (I’ll call him Adam) denied everything during my pregnancy and wasn’t involved at all. After my son was born, I did DNA testing which confirmed he’s the father. I’ve been the primary parent ever since. Later found out he denied everything because it would mean admitting he cheated on his girlfriend over the 10th time but personally, I don’t think she would care because she never cared any other time and always took him back even after finding out he had a kid on her so she got pregnant and her conception date is on the day they found out 100% he has a kid.
From the beginning after paternity was confirmed, Adam was not the one reaching out—his mom (Karen) and his girlfriend were. I had to tell him multiple times (around 6 times) that if he wanted to see his son, he needed to contact me directly. There was a consistent pattern of other people speaking for him instead of him stepping up himself.
When my son was about 4 months old, Adam, Karen, his girlfriend, and younger siblings showed up at my house. After that, for about a month, Karen was the one constantly initiating visits—not Adam.
During that time, I spent a lot of time at their house and started noticing behavior from Karen that made me uncomfortable:
She would yell at her younger kids while my baby was sleeping, which would wake him up crying almost every time
Even when he wasn’t sleeping, she was constantly yelling at them over small things. Her kids are all under 12, with the youngest being around 4
She made comments about not wanting more grandchildren (specifically not from Adam and his girlfriend)
Adam and his girlfriend would argue in front of me and my baby during visits
She showed up to my house unannounced and claimed she texted me, but she hadn’t
At one point, her very young children ran outside because she told them to get ready to leave. I said something about it and she ignored me and continued the conversation. Then my mom said the exact same thing, and only after that did she immediately go check on them. One of them almost ran into the street in front of a truck
There was also constant arguing between Adam and his girlfriend in front of me and my baby, and I eventually started distancing myself.
I also want to add that I’m not going to go into full detail, but Adam’s girlfriend has told me things about Karen that at first I didn’t believe and thought were exaggerated or untrue. However, over time, certain things I’ve personally witnessed about Karen’s behavior have made me reconsider and question those things more.
After that, both Adam and Karen became very inconsistent. Adam barely saw his son (for example, one visit under 2.5 hours and another around 12 minutes in a whole month). Overall, he has had around 13 no-call/no-shows. Karen also stopped seeing my son almost entirely—only a few times over several months.
Even though she wasn’t present, she would still:
Send gifts
Act involved from a distance
Go through other people (especially my mom) instead of communicating directly with me
Another ongoing issue is that both Adam and Karen go to my mom instead of me. For example, when Adam wanted to have a “conversation,” he texted my mom instead of me and showed up with Karen. At one point, they were discussing how they filed for custody without including me.
Around that same time, there was also pressure from them about doing 50/50 custody, even though Adam was barely involved and inconsistent.
During that visit, Karen talked down on me while holding my son—calling me immature, pointing out that I live with my mom, and saying I shouldn’t pursue child support because her son is “an adult with adult responsibilities.”
During that same conversation, my mom mentioned she was enrolling me in driving school. Karen made a facial expression/reaction that came across as dismissive or questioning. After she left, my mom said she felt uncomfortable by it and questioned why she reacted that way, especially since this is her grandson who will eventually be in a car.
She also consistently defends Adam no matter what, even when it involves basic care for our child. For example:
He has not properly buckled the crotch strap on the car seat
He has left poop in the baby’s diaper from not wiping correctly
During a visit when he had a friend over, he barely interacted with his son and focused on his friend instead
He also put a jar that clearly said it needed to be refrigerated and discarded after 3 days back into a cabinet. I didn’t realize until about a month later, and it could have made my child sick
In every situation like this, Karen finds a way to justify it or say it’s okay.
Her last visit was a few days after she made a comment suggesting I consider switching from breastfeeding to formula or speaking with a pediatrician about alternatives. It was said in a “concerned” way, but it crossed a boundary for me. After that visit, I decided not to allow her back into my home, and my mom agreed with that decision as well.
He only became more consistent after filing for custody.
At mediation, Karen barely acknowledged my son unless someone else did, but she was taking pictures of him and my grandmother. It felt very performative.
I also texted Adam saying I felt like me and his mother needed to have a conversation because her behavior can’t continue.
After mediation, I initially told Adam that there needed to be a conversation with his mother. About a week later, I changed my mind and sent both Adam and Karen a message instead. In that message, I explained that her behavior toward me and my grandmother was disrespectful, and I was done with how things were being handled. I also said that while I understand there should be a conversation at some point, my son does not know her at all. I said I don’t think my son and Adam’s future child should be placed in situations where Karen is present if this behavior continues, because I’m afraid favoritism would become very obvious. I also said I’m not going to beg for a conversation she is not ready for, and I will revisit it when she is willing to communicate respectfully.
After I sent that text to both of them, Karen immediately went to my mom and told her I was very disrespectful, that I was lying, and that I was keeping her grandson from her. She also said she is “documenting everything” and continued to frame herself as the victim.
I also found out Adam listed his mother’s address as his residence during mediation. He still has not updated his license and continues using that address officially.
Recently, I sent both Adam and Karen another message explaining my concerns again—her inconsistency, lack of relationship with my son, disrespect toward me, and everything that has been building.
Adam responded calmly. Karen did not respond to me at all.
Instead, she went to my mom and:
Denied everything
Claimed I told her she’s not allowed around my son (which isn’t true)
Said she “heard it with her own ears,” even though she wasn’t present
Said she won’t have contact with me
Tried to make it seem like I’m keeping my son from her
Continued portraying herself as the victim and saying she is documenting everything
The only way she could’ve “heard it” is if Adam had her on the phone or was recording without my knowledge. I say that because there have been multiple times where I’ve caught glimpses of him being on calls during visits. In the beginning especially, he would often be on the phone with someone during visits without telling me. That only stopped about 3–4 months ago.
At this point, the pattern feels like:
She inserted herself heavily in the beginning
Became inconsistent and mostly absent
Disrespected me and my family
Goes around me to my mom instead of communicating directly
Defends Adam no matter what, even when he is clearly not consistent
Plays the victim and blames me
Adam has been more consistent for about 2 months now, but given everything, I don’t fully trust the situation.
The hardest part is I honestly do want to cut her off completely—but at the same time, she’s already kind of done that herself. And it still hurts, because I know in the long run my son could be affected no matter what. Whether I cut her off or not, I feel like this situation is going to impact him.
So how would you handle a grandparent like this? And how do you set boundaries without it turning into more drama or affecting my child later on?