u/Chchcherry-bombbb

Unfortunately on my journey of being butch I put a lot of pressure based on how much I help others, but right now I have injured a ligament in my shoulder and whenever I move my bone just pops in and out of my socket which is obviously very uncomfortable.

I’m in a shoulder sling and still nursing a previous knee injury so I’m out of commission. I need help with everything! Which kind of challenges my identity as a butch because I want to be the one depended on physically, not the other way around. I feel helpless and like I’m a failure because I’m not able to fulfill my own expectations

- first rugby game of the season and I won every scrum, even after hitting my head TWICE

- even after I got pulled out the game because I’m on concussion watch, I stayed in the rain and cheered everyone on

- I’m pulling 90s out of my ass in science

-full marks on the fitness tests by the men’s standard (75 sit up’s, 35 pushups)

- 3 months self harm free!

- tried on a suit! I look amazing

Put your most affirming moments and wins!

I was talking for a while with this girl and we just seemed to click, until she ghosted me slowly — even pretending I wasn’t there in real life. She grey rocked me if you know what that is.

I’ll be honest I was really attached and after she ended things I was an absolute hoe, hooked up with 3 girls, dated 2 but the entire time I was just thinking about her and imagining it was her.

The thing is I’ve tried to ick myself out and point out all the stuff I don’t like, like we really don’t match up music wise and as a punk person that bugs me a bit when I see her idolizing certain celebrities that are ultra wealthy—but as a butch person she’s just so educate about queer culture and treats my identity with such respect, and she’s so pretty and a lil mean which I like, I don’t know what it is about her that just haunts my life.

And now this girl is posting vague notes about not moving on and reposting shit AND FUCKKK she has me in a chokehold

I made a pomegranate sculpture and I’m supposed to write a poem on it and here’s my rough draft!!

The fruit that bleeds;

The fruit that bleeds, I shape in my hands.
With clay not quite smooth.
I flatten and the shape takes form and so does the stories.
I raise the edges to form walls
The people of ancient days rise to pluck them from trees dancing on air yet heavy with the fruit.
The fruit that bleeds.
I shape the seeds carefully, individually.
Tales do as well. Stories of naive maiden goddesses taking risks unforeseen, stories of man and woman plucking from a sacred tree.
I brush the colour on carefully, my hands staining the same crimson as my grandfather’s, who’s gnarled hands I still remember that were skillful with a knife, yet nimble enough to not let the sweetness stain the wooden cabinets. “Your grandmother loves these, they taste like home.”
I take a bite, thinking on his words, of history and love given and taken.
The fruit that bleeds, it only thrives in a season of death and ice, yet it tastes warmer than anything yet.

I bought a bunch of really hyper feminine clothes like 2 years ago because I was trying to suppress the want to dress masculine. But the thing is I had a raging ED and because now im recovered thanks to becoming butch and accepting myself, they’re all too small for me.

I don’t know what to do! I feel like a bear in doll’s clothing, like I’m playing drag every night when my only pajamas are silky hot pink matching sets. I have a few clothes that I cycle through that make me comfortable but idk what to do, because my parents have made me solely responsible for paying for my clothes. I get ten bucks a week and for one pair of pants I’d have to dump my savings and not buy lunch for 2 weeks straight.

I’m a pretty masculine presenting person on the day to day, I maintain short hair and mostly baggy clothes and I have been referred to as sir by people.

It’s made itself pretty clear that I’m not someone that people stick around for romantic purposes. I’m mostly around straight cis people because I mostly circulate the super athletic friend groups, I have a few queer friends, queer people are few and far in between where I live.
Mostly guys treat me like a dude but women see me as “other” like I’m too masculine for them to be friends with but also too feminine (I’m not, just have a woman’s body) for them to pretend like I’m some regular cis guy.

They’re all dating and reaching their 1 year anniversaries, having their first everythings and introducing people to their parents and going on dates and I’m still here waiting. The only dating experience was when I thought I was straight and that was just another form of trauma.

I just want a girlfriend, I just want something more than someone to talk to me for like a few months and then end things to end up with a man or some piece of shit masc who gives them weed and alc (this is targeted.)

I want to reach those romantic milestones, I don’t deserve to be alone my entire high school career because I’m just “too different”. I’m probably going to prom alone, probably never going to have that quintessential experience of having a high school girlfriend or have a first date . It’s not just simply superficial but I’m scared that when I DO have a relationship (and at this point it’ll be in my twenties) I won’t know what to do or what to expect, I won’t have that experience that I’m afraid everyone else has

Third time in a row I get this talk. I was in a situationship with this girl for three months, we kissed once, I met her family and cleaned their entire backyard after a long Canadian winter. I paid for lunch dates, tutored her little sister, went to her games, and now we’re just done???

I don’t get it, is it my looks? Did I do something wrong? I’m the common denominator in these things, so all I can assume is I’m the problem. What do I do? How do I fix something I don’t know what’s wrong with?