u/Cheap-Peak-3590

Hi y’all, I just need to vent.

I had FFS last spring and I completely regret it. I miss my old face so much. The surgeon shaved off too much bone, and I hate the altered shape of my jaw. This has been the worst year of my life- recovering from the surgery and living with these results. It was so traumatizing that I stopped my hormones and decided to fully detransition. I now deal with major PTSD, anxiety, and depression because of this surgery. I was met with a lot of gaslighting from my surgeon and his team.

Over the past year, I’ve been trying to navigate getting a revision to undo all of this. I’ve met with and called so many in-network providers who might be able to help. The problem is, my insurance only covers transition-related surgeries and revisions. So I’m forced to basically pretend I’m still transitioning when I’m actually trying to detransition. It’s incredibly embarrassing and humiliating having to present myself as a woman to these doctors and nurses- being called she/her and miss. What makes it worse is that since I’ve stopped hormones, I’ve remasculinized, and I’m pretty sure I just look like a guy with softer features wearing makeup. I wish I didn’t have to lie and play along. I wish I could just be myself and present as myself.

I have anxiety before every follow-up appointment. I try to make my voice higher and change my mannerisms to pass better, but god, it’s so embarrassing and humiliating. I find it hard to believe the doctors actually buy it- I feel like they’re lowkey just playing along. But I can’t confess anything or be honest, because it would end up in my medical chart.

I just needed to rant because this bothers me so deeply. I’m so bothered by the fact that I went through this entire traumatic experience and now have to keep living in it just to get the medical help and coverage I need to give me my life back- my sense of self, my confidence, my identity. This whole process has been incredibly isolating and lonely. It’s hard to explain to anyone what it’s like to be trapped in this limbo, pretending to be someone I’m not just to access the care that might let me finally heal and just move on. I just want this chapter of my life to be forever closed. I never want to revisit it again. This has been my greatest, most unfathomably painful regret, and I wish no one ever has to experience anything like it.

Anyway, that’s all.

Hi y’all, I just need to vent.

I had FFS last spring and I completely regret it. I miss my old face so much. The surgeon shaved off too much bone, and I hate the altered shape of my jaw. This has been the worst year of my life- recovering from the surgery and living with these results. It was so traumatizing that I stopped my hormones and decided to fully detransition. I now deal with major PTSD, anxiety, and depression because of this surgery. I was met with a lot of gaslighting from my surgeon and his team.

Over the past year, I’ve been trying to navigate getting a revision to undo all of this. I’ve met with and called so many in-network providers who might be able to help. The problem is, my insurance only covers transition-related surgeries and revisions. So I’m forced to basically pretend I’m still transitioning when I’m actually trying to detransition. It’s incredibly embarrassing and humiliating having to present myself as a woman to these doctors and nurses- being called she/her and miss. What makes it worse is that since I’ve stopped hormones, I’ve remasculinized, and I’m pretty sure I just look like a guy with softer features wearing makeup. I wish I didn’t have to lie and play along. I wish I could just be myself and present as myself.

I have anxiety before every follow-up appointment. I try to make my voice higher and change my mannerisms to pass better, but god, it’s so embarrassing and humiliating. I find it hard to believe the doctors actually buy it- I feel like they’re lowkey just playing along. But I can’t confess anything or be honest, because it would end up in my medical chart.

I just needed to rant because this bothers me so deeply. I’m so bothered by the fact that I went through this entire traumatic experience and now have to keep living in it just to get the medical help and coverage I need to give me my life back- my sense of self, my confidence, my identity. This whole process has been incredibly isolating and lonely. It’s hard to explain to anyone what it’s like to be trapped in this limbo, pretending to be someone I’m not just to access the care that might let me finally heal and just move on. I just want this chapter of my life to be forever closed. I never want to revisit it again. This has been my greatest, most unfathomably painful regret, and I wish no one ever has to experience anything like it.

Anyway, that’s all.