u/Cheap-Pumpkin9868

I just found this page and a lot of things are very resonating, I watched a video on YouTube and the girl spoke right to me. All the questions I had she didn’t answer but maybe me realize I don’t need an answer. I already know it. The weird thing is I feel something, something pulling me to sit more with myself, to feel outside of just myself. I have this pull that gives me goosebumps, but every time I think about it, I bail.

I let my mind overcome me with thoughts that take me away from the peace and comfort. Am I just not ready ?

I F22 and bf M23 have been together for a year and we have had some tough moments but we have gotten over most of the stuff. We lived long distance as I was studying abroad for a few months, once I came back my best friend left on a backpacking trip with no return date. I have other friends but I experienced a really life changing friendships breakup which cost my a lot of friendships, not because of anything serious but mostly that I don’t align with them as much as I did before and ofc the resentment from the friendship breakup is not doing me good. So I have really one person who makes me feel loved, other than my bf, and that’s my best friend who is in a different time zone and country.

This has led to some feelings of loneliness, especially when my bf hangs out with his friends, (note: he’s been gone for a month and just came back).

We had a lil tough convo last time when he didn’t invite me to a hang out because he thought it was guys only and then I found out other girlfriends were there. ( he didn’t know until he got there, and I already went to go see some friends). I ended up telling him how important it is for me to be considered and included, especially because I recently found out something about my family which has made me want to move out. I usually spend every night with my bf because he lives 5 mins away from me so I sleep there. So he is basically with me all the time other than when he’s working or has plans that he lets me know in advance about.

This brings us to today, where he spontaneously tells me him and his friends will be watching the game. This upsets me because I offered to make dinner and we had plans to do that. He forgot. I’m upset, he tells me he can come over and that he’s sorry he forgot, but idc anymore, I don’t want him to come over because I would never forget, he’s always the one I consider first, the one I look forwards to seeing, even earlier today I texted him how im just waiting for him cause it’s my only day off and I’m on spring break so I have nothing to do and I already went to the gym, cleaned, showered, did my chores and legit just want his company.

My worry is that I’m putting too much responsibility on him, I feel because of my family being dysfunctional and my bff being far away for the 4th month now, he is all I have. I don’t want to be upset but I can’t shake the feeling that he should consider me more regarding the situation. He feels apologetic and definitely doesn’t mind skipping on his friends, but I don’t want him to do that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know if there is anything wrong with me.

Is this some kind of fear of abandonment? Am I asking for too much or putting too much on him? I just feel so lonely and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Please refrain from judging my boyfriend or me, we are both good people. Just a bit confused and hurt, trying to navigate my emotions in a healthy and considerate way.

Thanks