Hey guys, Im Graham and I just wanted to make a post to start a conversation if its helpful to anyone.

Today I wrote out the entirety of my story, Its long. If its too long MODS, do your thing and accept my apologies. I put alot into this one.

I wanted to share that story here with you so that hopefully someone might find it helpful!

Love you guys

THE REMEMBERING

As a young child, I would make a point to plant certain events into my mind with the intention of accessing them later. I did not know exactly why, but I knew it would be important to me. I remember the moment I realized that I understood what people were saying around me, and they did not know that I understood them to the degree that I did, and that I could use this to my advantage, before I could speak. I made a point to remember my first steps and where I took them, as well as several moments when I was 2-3. But then I stopped doing this for whatever reason, and forgot all about it by the time I was 9 or 10

In my late teens, I experienced depression and mild existential dread. Had difficulty connecting with others and making friends. I spent a summer by laying in the sun in the morning, before retreating into a cool, silent, and windowless basement. I ate very little for weeks at a time. I don't know what compelled me to do this. I was definitely feeling lost in life and was looking for some clarity and so I focused on that. I was raised Catholic and while I did not fully subscribe to its teachings in totality, I was open to some guidance.

I laid on the ground in absolute darkness and silence. As a thought entered my mind, I would eliminate it. I continued this for hours every day. Eventually, the thoughts that entered my mind were no longer loud, erratic and demanding, but a soft tugging whisper. They pulled my attention not outward, but inward, into my memory.

Like a trail of breadcrumbs left through my experience so that I may follow it back, each memory when focused upon, had it's own memory, which I could use to leapfrog through my consciousness. I had subconsciously set these footholds through my memory. I was satisfied with this and found it to be a fulfilling novelty. But there was one further, different memory. Intense, and persistent, yet specific and non descriptive:

Don't forget, don't forget, don't forget, don't forget...

This is of course absurd I thought. Now I am losing it. What is there to forget in my earliest memories? I left it at that for some time.

But like a lighthouse in the fog, it persisted. Determined to not consider myself a lunatic, I ignored the pull of this bizarre chant buried in the deepest corners of my memory.

Soon thereafter however, I of course was overcome with curiosity and made an honest attempt to resolve the situation.

I just entered the depths of meditation and focused on this thought for some time. It was not immediate. But over an extended period of time, like pulling bricks one by one from a dam, the memory crashed onto me and has been sharpened over time.

THE MEMORY

I was, and was within, an endless white medium of infinite potential. I was the environment and the environment was me.

As a sculptor sees his masterpiece within a block of marble before taking first swing, I could change my perspective to experience any sensation or circumstance immediately and viscerally. The environment was completely saturated with potential creation, experience, and expression. I needed to only focus on the parts of it which I desired to experience, and it was immediately so, fully and completely immersive and intense.

In this way, I could create and experience anything at any time in any way, so long as I maintained focus on my experience of it. As quickly as this creation was manifested, like ocean waves over lines in the sand, so too did my perception return to white potential.

This was a highly satisfying existence as you can imagine, and I found myself to be content within it.

But there was a ping, an alert of sorts... A distress beacon of sorts.

This was unexpected... Nothing was ever unexpected. I only experienced that which I created for myself to experience...

Naturally, I wished to percieve the source of this disturbance and it was so.

The Earth.

A precious emerald gem. Special in a way I cannot describe. As if there were others like it, but this is the main one. The important one.

I could see the earth was in flux. Like it was coming to a tipping point of sorts; a crossroads. One path leading to the continuation of its growth, and the other resetting the cycle. The resetting seemed incredibly tragic, but not totally devastating. The cycle would reset and there would be another chance, but it was an incredibly big deal.

Looking into this dilemma further, I could see humanity. Immediately, I was tremendously excited. They are all like me! Creators of infinite potential! And they exist together in this paradise where they can share and create together! Amazing!

But there was a big problem. I saw creators like me, capable of expressing their infinite creative potential to experience anything they choose... Choosing Pain. Fear. Doubt.

I could see that humanity had burdened themselves immensely. It was like seeing someone carrying a grand piano to the top of K2, and seeing that they just never realized they could put it down. Equal parts confusing and impressive.

I remember specifically wondering why humans would move their bodies around by forcing their bodies to balance against the pull of the earth whilst propelling themselves further with each motion. Again impressive, but why wouldn't you float through the air? Or simply manifest yourself in the location you desired?

I knew I needed to help and do something. I was called to help. And I was ready.

That is when I experienced the presence of what I interpreted as Spirit Guide(s)

Faceless, hooded figure(s) in flowing white robes. At times presenting as a singular entity, and others as several.

I asked them why these creators like me would choose to create suffering and strife for themselves, eachother, and their paradise home?

They explained that the humans could not see. They were blind to their nature and their potential. They had been manipulated to use their own fear to keep them from creating their ideal reality, manifesting a paradise for a select few instead.

I knew I needed to help. How could they not see! It's so simple! Their reality is just like mine, just in a different shape and presented in a different way! They can still create their ideal reality within it! It's so simple...

I wanted to tear open the sky and shout from the heavens, snap all of humanity out of their self realized despair.

The guides shared with me that I could not shout from the heavens.

Determined to help, I asked to understand the ways in which I could.

I could influence a thought. I could influence a synchronicity. I could appear as minor visual phenomenon. All things that were open to interpretation and likely ultimately dismissed.

This wouldn't do. I needed to make an impact. Be impossible to ignore. I needed permanence.

I was offered the option to become human myself. But there was a catch... I too would forget, as all of humanity before me had. I too would be blind to my origin, nature, and mission... And then I would be committing to the human experience for naught.

I accepted the challenge. I believed I could beat the system. I believed I was different and that I could break the rules and snap humanity out of the trance they had been conditioned to put themselves under.

I was then shown the lives I could live, the bodies I could exist within.

Like being dealt a hand of cards, where each card was a life. On the card, I could see the life in its entirety, appearing like a tree with infinite branches. The trunk being the body, the parents, the place and the time, things that are pretty much set in stone; the starting point. As the tree expanded outwards, it split into infinite possible interwoven endpoints. I could see all of the possible situations and experiences, every potential. When viewing the life, I could go to any of the possible experiences and experience them briefly. I broadly inspected the life to ensure it was suitable. This way, I could plot an ideal course through these potentials.

Sometimes we live through the experiences we viewed while we were inspecting our lives. You know it as Deja Vu!

I ultimately chose this body and life (spoiler)

I remember my body developing. I could travel freely between the "ethereal plane" and my body as it developed. Gradually increasing senses causing exciting and intense sensations. Growing difficult to ignore, the sensory inputs became loud and prevalent, making out more defined sounds, pressure, light. But I still remembered my purpose and mission. I hadn't lost it yet and was not sure how or when I would supposedly lose it.

And then a transition approached. I could feel it. I knew this was it. I focused all of my intention on one simple thought:

Don't forget, don't forget, don't forget, don't forget...

And then blinding light, screeching sound, sheer cold, and a pain terribly severe... Not of my body, but of my "mind". Like I had just been ripped from myself. I forgot.

Disclosure

I experienced the remembering over a decade ago. Ironically, the same fear that I came here to combat had prevented me from sharing this story until now.

I know you may struggle with purpose. Perhaps you have a deep feeling of knowing that you are supposed to be doing something but you can't find it. And I would like to help you on that journey.

But I knew full well what my journey was intended to be. My mission. The reason I am in a human body. And I was too scared to do it.

Because it sounds INSANE. I know exactly how it sounds. I must be some delusional grifter trying to manipulate the weak minded into some scheme... Or a mental patient who has fabricated some literature and is peddling it as his own.

I have tried tirelessly to rid myself of this. To convince myself that it is fabricated. That its all made up and that I have no mission and I can just live my life and die in peace.

But it's too real. The memory breadcrumbs are a huge factor. It just adds up too well for me.

Last year I did an AMA on some more niche subs. I was well recieved, but I kept my identity secret.

Last week, I started social media using my real name. No fear, nothing held back. My message, shouted from the hilltop to the very best of my ability. And it that ability will only improve...

The Message

You are more than you could possibly imagine.

You are an infinite creator of limitless potential

You have nothing to fear, you cannot be defeated; not really.

This life is temporary. You chose it. You intended to enjoy it, and it is within your power to do so.

This physical reality is fundamentally identical to the infinite ethereal plane, it is simply a Linear Diffracted Reflection of it

Let me break that down:

Linear in that we experience time. Our experience is pushed through the medium of physical reality at a consistent rate. This is not fundamental. This allows for us to experience the process of manifestation and not simply the end result. Additionally, it gives permanence to that which we create; we can create something, and once it is realized, it no longer requires our focus to maintain. It can be simply enjoyed. Moreover, the linearity of this reality provides a buffer and delay between your perspective and your reality. If you take a perspective where you see yourself as worthless, and the world as a place that inflicts nothing but pain, and that you deserve to suffer, there is a limit to which this can be realized. It won't be immediate, but eventually this perspective will influence your emotions, and your emotions with affect your actions and reactions, and your actions will steer you into the experience that you believe to be true.

Diffracted in that we experience an individualistic perspective. We do not innately possess all knowledge, all perspectives, all potentials and interpretations. We are split like white light through a prism into individual colours. In this way, we can experience the fascinating combination of colours. We can share our creations and those around us with another perspective, with other people. We will attract those who share similar perspectives and exist within similar realities as them.

Ultimately, the important part is this:

Your perspective is everything. All of your power is in your perspective. What you believe about yourself, this reality, and your place within it.

You cannot prevent the unexpected from occurring, every event that occurs is a light shining at you. Your perspective determines how you shine back. An event might occur that causes someone to plunge themselves into a sad binge cope hole. That same event could inspire another to create a business, propelling them further towards their ideal reality.

Objectivity is a novel illusion of this physical reality.

What YOU believe is what is ultimately real. This physical reality simply gives us all an equal playing field to meet eachother at.

When you die, you will no longer be tied or limited by this reality. You will experience exactly what you believe to be true about yourself and your surroundings. Be it Michael and the pearly gates, a Hindu deity, or endless black nothing. You will create these experiences with your perspective.

This understanding reconciles all factors. It is the only constant. My experience, all religions, modern science, everything. It is complete and absolute.

And here is the absolute best part.

You can think I am a lunatic. You can believe that none of this is true and I am delusional. You can believe that there is nothing beyond this meaningless life. There is no manifestation, just endless drudgery and the odd bit of luck.

You will inevitably be able to prove this, you will find endless irrefutable evidence to solidify this belief to yourself. Your perspective will attract others who share it, further deepening your certainty of this truth until you could not possibly deny it with rational thought.

And in doing so, you prove me right.

TL;DR:

I remember before I was born, choosing this life and why:

To help you realize your nature as an infinitely powerful creator, and help you create and experience your ideal reality.

I had gotten out of it. I really didn’t want to do it. We had just had a new baby. My focus was getting used to that again. This other thing was just gonna be a distraction. A time waster.

Others would’ve called it my civic duty. They would’ve called it the right thing to do. I bought the pearl rather than sold it. For me, that meant I had to say to no to something that others might’ve valued.

I said no to my civic duty. But I didn’t say no to it directly. I said no through a computer algorithm. To others, I would’ve cheated the system. I wouldn’t have participated in what society would’ve thought was the right thing to do.

So, what did I do?

I got out of being on jury duty. But it wasn’t in the way that you think. I didn’t even lie on the form, which is super common for people to do—-nope, I ended up using the law to achieve my desire through a computer algorithm.

It was meant to a full seven days. In fact that’s what I was told. I had to keep checking in every day on the computer. Just to see if I got jury duty. I went in. Sometimes with a knot in my stomach. Was it gonna be today? Was it gonna be called in. Was going to have to takeoff work for a week, a month, or a year?

But, I stayed with it. I stayed with the scene that showed me playing with my children. It was a simple scene. It was just me and my kids playing. It was me and my wife smiling at them.

That’s it. Almost boring. Almost natural. I felt it first person. I was there in the moment. Three times a day. 2 to 3 minutes. Color. Sound. Feeling.

It overpowered my doubt. Did it stop me from having doubt? Not really. And that’s OK. Perfection is not the point. Perfection stop you from actually being present. Perfection is a form of victim thinking. Why? Because it relies on the same neural circuitry as someone who is stuck in a hyper vigilant loop of constantly looking for threats. Did I do this correctly? Did I do enough affirmations? Perfectionism is a form of control dressed up as spiritual correctness.

God and Satan—are always with you, for one is faith and the other doubt.— Neville

Neville, nor did any other person ever argue that we needed to be perfect. That’s a Social value. That’s something we get taught as children. You don’t have to get it right. You just have to persist. Did you hear that? People may disagree with how I’m explaining this. And get that. But I’m also trying to get us away from this fact that, we need to perform the law. Or that to perform is to somehow get the desire.

That key part of Neville‘s quote is the word always—-You don’t sit there and try to annihilate doubt. In fact, there’s another verse from the apostle Paul that really argues the fact that what we should be doing, as you keep persisting in the new state so much so that, doubt just gets bored and doesn’t hang out anymore.

The Greek word is implode. It’s a pretty violent picture. You just simply move on, you don’t give it oxygen. You give your new world the color in it and the attention it deserves.

Performance and a natural desire are not the same thing. When the desire feels like you already have it to the point of being natural, is when the performance drops.

This is not the same as acting like the personality has it. This is not the same as cognitive embodiment. Which is essentially a scientific form of explaining the law.

When I went to go check my computer, was I performing the law perfectly? Nope. Most of the time when I was checking, it was in lack. I was performing the person who didn’t have it. I was performing as the person who was going to be stuck in jury duty for a year or more with no income. The end of the story. Is that the algorithm shut down might need to check in for the full seven days. It was actually a legal requirement to check in for seven day.

But,the algorithm had to listen to the law because I held the picture of my family happy. It was the third day. The day of resurrection. The day of the imagination/Christ coming back to life. That’s when I was told that I had fulfilled my jury duty responsibilities. That was the victory.

But, in those moments where I saw myself happy with my family. The moment that it felt real, that was way more powerful than I doubt.

One of my favorite stories in scripture that really gets to the heart of this. And also I think clarifies the idea of persistence and levels work, is the story of Joshua. Just a quick reminder, these stories are representations of the states that we can enter an exit well.

Joshua, according to the historical Cannon of his role, would’ve been a seasoned general. Quite possibly someone had seen war. Someone who had seen battle. Someone who might’ve actually had friends who died in front of his eyes. Yeti was brave. But even in his bravery, he was even told by God/imagination, to essentially give up his fear and trust the imagination.

Trust God. Trust the inner self. Trust the future self. Whatever version of you that really fits with this definition hold onto that. It is not about dogmatism. It’s not about getting the terms correct. It is not about following it like it’s some sort of black-and-white rule. I know others may disagree with that as well.

But I’m trying to get people away from perfectionism. Perfectionism in the law are not the same. You have the power, because it’s always been there. You don’t have to perform as if you were earning the power.

That’s where the trouble comes. That’s where the problem seem to amplify. Why? Because you are performing someone who can’t seem to fix things that don’t need to be fixed.

Here’s something that works really well. Create a scene where you’re not even thinking about your issues. Create a scene where it’s so real, the smell, the taste, the sounds, are so vivid, that you simply just trust that moment. There’s no need for someone in it to validate anything because if you were truly in the state of the person who had everything, it would be way past needing validation. It would just be you in the moment drinking it all up.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to persist. And that’s already inside of you. It always has been. It always will be. If you understand that as part of your inner technology, then you don’t have to earn it. You simply just return. You return again and again and again.

You will get there. In fact, you are already there. Just accept it.

If reality is rendered per the individual (me, as I can only know this FOR A FACT) You are probably reading this in your rendered version of earth / us. Why can't we all create paradise? I have remembered I was God (How can "I" fully remember without remembering anything, it was just a knowing "i" THE CREATOR). I knew it but also something showed me "I" was all of those I know, I even had a vast variety of emotions (Somehow creation showed me a vast difference of emotions (Butch Lesbian, Someone Greedy, Cleopatra / royalty and a serpent king) so it was like I was no different (the body) than others. Like the "I" was all people "I" know. I was also shown to be an olive tree still growing (EVEN though I have never seen an olive tree but knew what it was). Part of me "me" feels like I can control this reality, but part of me still feels like it is what it is..... To be honest I, as the human want power and to judge others

...

Everything is bound by the resistance of it. If there is no resistance, there is no life.

A building is standing because it is resisting its fall on the ground. A vehicle is moving as it is moving through tractive resistances. Electric current becomes usable because of resistances applied. Our brain operates because of continuous resistance of ‘pain and uncertainty’ it faces. The illusion sees as if the resistance can be or has been undone- hence dullness, decay.

We are conscious against being not conscious. This resistance, this tenseness moves life.

You are aware of a thought and then another and another etc

They seem to explain how life actually is and how "you" are doing

These thoughts often have feelings associated with them

We prefer certain feelings to others and so the thoughts flow...

Ultimately, we aren't generating the thoughts even the thought to stop thinking and focus on feeling.

As such, you can't "get there" or "win" with thinking... ie, thinking won't give you the thing you really want

Then it's seen that silence is ultimately the only thing that might help... that might awaken you... not that there is a "you"

And thus, the conundrum continues... and thoughts again will attempt to grasp it... so we read more, watch more in the hopes that we can think our way to freedom...

Either way, my wish is that freedom, peace and happiness happens for you

..I just want to be alone and process my life, the choices I’ve made so far, and reassess, and plan the future. But I am seemingly surrounded by people who want to take me out, talk about menial things, hang out, go to parties, talk endlessly about the banalities of their lives etc. I’m finding all this exhausting and like a big waste of time. I can’t be present with them and as a result I am bad company. I’m sure it’s a matter of context and that if I were in a different frame of mind I’d not be criticising them. What do I do to create some space for myself without offending them?

Not necessarily in a bad way. But has anyone else had the experience of people becoming very drawn to you while awakening/being in the unfolding of awakening?

I feel like everyone wants to talk to me, engage with me on the street. So much has been happening AT me lately. It’s been everything good, bad, and in between. Like from strangers coming up and talking to me, getting random discounts from kind shopkeepers, to people singling me out on the street and harassing me, to strangers waving at me from the bus, everyone seeming familiar and open. And overall, outside of just other people, lots of things stirred up and happening! Weird events happening to me, for instance someone crashing into the bus I’m on. Lots of very good luck and people blessing me in various ways too (ex. a free ticket to a Billy Strings concert this weekend). It’s been too many instances to count in the past week or two. These are just random examples I can remember. It’s been so crazy and a bit overwhelming.

The awakening process has been unfolding over time, but lately I’ve been very focused on doing my spiritual practices/meditation/chanting daily. Has anyone else experienced this? What is going on??

Do you believe a guide can be in multiple places at the same time, helping several people?

How to deal with this sort of behavior?

Do you find people are triggered when they see how composed you are and might seem to them we have achieved "peace" and therefore want badly to be around us to get what we also have?

Deep down it's within themselves but I got scared by how this person started behaving towards me, not sure if they're going through something and that's what caused this behavior but it's frightening.

They had a breakdown and starting accusing me of not giving them attention, victimising themselves despite not knowing each other a lot

Heard my colleague recommend smoking cessation for a healthy problem. Very usual in this line of work. She quit almost a decade ago, I quit a few years ago right after awakening. It's what follows that makes me squirm.

"You just need to put willpower in".

I didn't step in, but I know willpower is part of the problem. Bateson spent years researching alcoholics anonymous and realized part of the self-destructive spiral of addiction is being trapped in a competitive relationship with oneself, trying to exert control or willpower over themselves. The advice you usually get is what perpetuates the problem, the vision of the individual as a separated "Ego" detached from the whole system of existence.

The most effective thing AA does, according to Bateson, is the surrender, admitting impotence. This allows ourselves to become integrated into the whole ecological system that surrounds us. It's not the passivity that wins but the holistic view.

There is no way for man to be separated from nature, Spinoza noted.

"Forget about willpower. Throw the pack into the trash. None of this is your fault."

This over-reliance on personal agency and responsibility is the scourge of our time. Useful lies in service of power. Jordan Peterson and Ayn Rand and all the devils.

When did this idea start? Of severing us all from our environment to justify punishment?

When this lady comes back six months later, lungs like charcoal, it will be very pleasant to say "I told you so" and stop worrying about human suffering by placing it under the label of "deserved".

At least in knowing, one can adjust their strategy. And hopefully produce some desirable results like kicking a bad habit.

I would love to hear some experiences: what is awakening to you? how did it happen? what does it feel like?

I am just really confused with my experiences, and whats going on.

Hello everybody,

I'm going to start by giving you a little explanation of my situation. Last year I was suicidal and I went to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADHD, hypersensitive due to it and HIP. I first tried ADHD medicines that were not helpful to me and someone try psilocybin and I went on one of the first ADHD/psilocybin retreat in the Netherlands since it's illegal in my country.

We had two trips during the retreat and in one of them a voice (that I think was my higher self) told me to open my third eye and to let go of the concept of concept. After the retreat I meditated, did moon rituals and micro-dosed for four months

During the new moon in march, I took my micro dose with the intention of finding my way in this life, and I asked myself what I could do if I used my full potential because I have loads of energy. This night is the night I think I had my awakening, the meditation really showed me an entire future of everything I would love achieve: making music and documentary about psychedelics and mental health, about nature, and continuing to try astrophotography, do sports and remind people they have free will. Also my dream is to have a farm with a studio of music where artists come do residences and watch the stars / widthen their consciousness.

It reminded me of my wildest dreams in life and the weirdest thing is that I also wondered in the meditation if I had a twin flame or a soulmate for this beautiful quest that is life and I narrowed down a precise men. I thought of alllllll the details I would want in someone, and even what name/hobbys/physique/nationality/past he would have/be. And guess what, I met this man a month after the trip lol.

Since then life has been weird because when I meditate, I sometimes can go in the past to relive certains things or feel like I can visualize a potential future if I follow my heart. Also since then every moment of my life feels like eternity, I don't know how to describe but I feel like march was years and years ago. Which is really positive because I take the time to experiment every second with a lot of depth. But it's weird because my friends don't understand to much and we still vibe but I feel like I need more alone time to recharge my battery and be a little light when I'm with the other humans.

Anyway my question for you guys is do you guys have experiment similar thing in your life? time slowiiiiiiiing down or having visions of potentials future? How do you deal with people from your life? do you talk about awakening or do you hide it? When one of your friend is all stressed not to absorb their energy? to manage the difference of depth between people?

not a lot of people know about this and I often get call a witch (I use my pendulum to calm me down when I'm over stimulated lmao). And since I am a fan of anthropology I was wondering what's up with you guys.

anyway I hope your day on earth is going great and that your energy is safe <3

The last time I had watched porn before yesterday was back in august, a few days before my birthday which is on the 30th. For a month I had this feeling of idk like I left porn back in the time when i was 22 and was feeling good knowing I havent watched it in my current age, till yesterday when I relapsed and now im feeling shit about it. Its not just regular guilt, its worse feeling that I watched it again even though I had not done it since before my birthday.

Im curious to know what you all think of these feelings. Im very very new to concepts of alchemy and magics. I know porn might be bad for me physically. But I really wanna know if these thoughts are related to alchemy somehow or are they just mental problems and overthinking whatnot?

I genuinely want to discuss about this topic. I would love if you all could give some input.

(Edit: I forgot to add, i really have felt a change in the flow state i was feeling or the overall energy I had before I had watched porn. Right now im feeling really perfectionistic about all this and trying to get my flow state back but unable to. Im worried if all this will have a negative impact on my life alchemically.)

(Edit 2: OMG! Starting to realize this sub might not be for spiritual alchemy. Im seeing way too many posts having flasks and brewing stuff.)

So, one of my biggest OCD thoughts has to do with going to jail and abandoning everybody around me, more specifically my dog. Lately, it's been in my mind forever because I have court dates for contesting tickets (I have a lawyer, it's literally no reason *logically* to go to jail, it was just a speeding ticket). And those court dates are triggering my fear of going to jail sooooo much that it's making me panic that I'm creating it. Because, in the past, I've had a fear of getting pregnant without knowing that I was pregnant and then being stuck with a baby for life, and I ended up being pregnant - but I knew, so I got an abortion right away - but even then, I didn't speak to anybody about the pregnancy cause I was scared that speaking about it would make it not be true and whatever. Like, you get the spinning happening in my head? And before I got pregnant, I had a bad feeling that I was pregnant, but I was avoiding it. And then boom, I got pregnant. And it's the same fear with the fear of going to jail, like there's a part of me that wants to prepare myself for going to jail when I literally haven't done anything to go to jail for, but because I know I am the creator in my reality, I fear that I'm creating it since it's coming to my mind so much.

I'm trying to be like "I don't accept this" or whatever, but the fear is paralyzing. it's making me want to call the judge and just pay the fines and whatever instead of dealing with contesting them. It's like i want to get rid of anything that would make me have to go to court, to contest a ticket lol it's literally nothing, but my mind doesn't understand this. It's like "what if I don't come back and then my dog thinks I abandoned him?!" and "who am I going to call?" or "Idk anybody's phone numbers by heart" and it's all things that idk if it's my intuition preparing me for the worst or if it's the truth.

And another thing too, yesterday I had thoughts about getting insurance for my dog and then all of a sudden she got bitten and needed stitches. I didn't have insurance - it wasn't gonna kick in anyway, the insurance, but it's as if there was a part of me that was bringing it in

I know I have OCD, but in this time, idk if it's OCD or my intuition awakening more.

I'm feeling really lost and idk if anyone can help with this or if you've had that happen to you. Pls help.

Whatever we want to see from today, let's visualize it and see it. Whatever we want to do, to say, to feel, to become. We can have it all.

We're here to experience the world, and ourselves in these bodies in it. I've heard that the Earth was originally created in order to be a vacation for people who had earned the rest doing other things, in other places.

Whatever we've collectively become as a species it's because we let ourselves meld into the slow atrophy and decay of greed, corruption, power dynamics and struggles that don't exist on a much less physical plane.

But man, isn't there such power in feeling good and happy? Is the light more powerful than the darkenss?

I've felt the pull of depression in my life. There is a sad, sweet, strange addiction that comes with feeling sad and miserable. You can sink into it, get lost in it sometimes. It's a powerful current, and can pull even the most powerful swimmers down into the depths.

When immersed in it, it feels as though that's all there is. But when the fog lifts, and the sun starts to shine in, you can feel that pull as well. A brand new summer day, a hug from someone you love where they don't let go until you do first. There's real power there.

Love is tangible. It is solid, it can move mountains.

As I drink my coffee this morning and wait for my babe to get up so that I can get her ready for preschool, I feel it. In the light of the sun starting to rise from the south east windows behind me. In the hug and kiss I gave my other daughter and partner as they walked out the door.

I can feel possibilities and magic start to move the air around me, and I just know it'll be whatever I dream soon enough.

We are the creators, and this is our world. Let's paint on this canvas with huge, bold strokes. Grabbing a paintbrush as big and solid as our arms as we reach the colored ends towards the sky and exhale gratitude. Coloring in the world we want to see and be in unmistakeable shades of blue, green, yellow, and orange. Beautiful swirls of purple and red.

Happiness is a choice, and in the shallow light and warm breeze wafting in to touch my skin, I can see only the beauty surrounding me.

For a moment I look at the floor and see crumbs and toys. I look around the room and see all the stuff there is to do. I can picture myself in a few hours. Busy and tired and maybe a little stressed from driving back and forth to school and gymnastics classes. I can get sucked in to the pull of that energy, and know it as I can hear it whispering "aren't you frustrated? aren't you tired?"

Gently I give that part of me a hug as I close my eyes and inhale. It is all a gift. A beautiful, wonderful, scary, thrilling ride. Instead of fighting it I want to flow with it, experience it, be it, until the day that it brings me back around to the beginning and I need to get off the ride. Only able to take with me my feelings about it all.