cant think of something i really like

wnat to put a bunch of keywords into a system an dsee what it can create

Long story short I've been in the music industry my entire 20s.

I used to make more but now I'm averaging around 1.5-2k usd per month after tax. Isn't much in the grand scheme of things but I don't live in a western country so it goes further.

Regardless... I am thinking of my future, I want to have my own family, own a home with a garden and so on...

I've saved and I invest so I have that going on but I'm just thinking I want to be earning far more than I am so I can invest far more and so on...

I work online and travel a lot, sometimes doing tour management but mostly I produce music for singers or tv shows.

Ideally I find something I can do on the internet still as local jobs don't pay as much.

Just not really sure how to do it.

May just double down on the music and start making content to build a online personal brand and leverage that honestly. Seems like the "easiest" route right now despite it probably not being easy but natural flow of ease.

I usually check on the latest/popular new releases on streaming on Rotten Tomatoes.

Film or TV.

Recently it just shows a bunch of random films/shows vs what's new/popular.

Anyone else seeing that?

Any better sites to see what's new I need some good stuff to watch this weekend as I kick back and eat some gringas

It's like emotional flashbacks or something fires up a random CPTSD freeze moments throughout my day.

It puts me right on edge. Spotlight effect. Everyones looking at me.

My eyes are wide like a deer in headlights.

I feel tension in my face and my arms. I'm stiffer.

People look shocked when they speak to me cause of how my body language must be displaying.

When I'm in this state I feel like everyone else can feel what I feel. Something like that. That's how it feels.

But reality hasn't changed. It's just my inner world. Reactions. Responses. Programmed behaviours. Learned reactions to certain behaviours.

Man how do I disconnect? Or what's best here?

So I went on a trip.

Recorded a bunch and I would connect my dji action 5 pro to my iphone on the dji mismo app.

From there I would click on the two options at the start called like Log Recovery and another one that changes the colour can't remember the name and don't have it accesible currently. (from there I would then change the colour and filter for fun to see how it could look - but this isn't what im asking here)

Is there something I can download for davinci resolve where I just drag and drop the same things on my footage before then adding a powergrade/lut. The log recovery + the other one.

From there I can add a powergrade or lut or something whilst changing things like contrast, brightness etc manually...

It's frustrating me trying to grade it manually in davinci to the point I dont want to be doing it. I'm just having fun and want to keep it that way. Hobbyist

so i moved abroad. started a new life. im totally by myself. in therapy etc

life is better but im alone so spend a lot of time by myself. working on it.

so even by myself i get emotional flashbacks, no one triggering me, and its like i just imagine all the bullies including my own family (not a real family anyway theyre addicts/lost)

i imagine them infront of me like hyenas almost seeing me in my freeze state, its like they are right and i am wrong, i cant be stronger then their judgement

they say XYZ is true about me and its like the feeling of defending it freezes me and it makes their judgement true

IDK

I'm looking for places that might offer some kind of day pass where you can go relax for the day away from work/screens. Bring a book and read in peace. Get food. Maybe a sauna/steam room/gym/showers.

Things like this...

I'm usually healthy. Not many injuries.

I run, gym, swim. I eat mostly whole foods/clean.

I was on holiday for 2 weeks just last month and only exercised properly once. I ate whatever also but still pretty healthy.

Anyways nearing the end I woke up and within few minutes I was on the balcony stretching and felt a tear like sensation in my right shoulder. I've never felt this sensation before.

Put down my arm and realised I've hurt myself. Thought must be a strain or something.

Anyways now 10 days or so after I still feel it when I really extend my arm. Or if I put both my hands on a counter top and kind of push up / do a dip on it almost I feel it.

Yet if I just touch the surface of the skin / around the shoulder I don't feel any pain or anything.

It is directly in the middle / core of shoulder. Which a physio said likely a cuff rotator issue.

Am I getting old? From a simple morning stretch too quickly lol?

PS. Anyone know how to heal this ASAP?

Also I guess no jiu jitsu until healed

So I been travelling around long time working yadda yadda. I been focussed on a project and spent a lot of time between solitude, gym, errands, beach for the most part. Just by myself for like a year.

I want to snap out of it now the project is somewhat done. To step away from screens for 2 weeks. All social media too. But for me it's like ok what do I want to do?

I've listed down jiu jitsu and yoga as starting points.

Now these are just morning classes.

If I go to one of them for an hour at 9am and finish at 10am, then what do I do until 10PM when I go to bed lol!

I can read, I can go out for a walk, cafe, journal....

What would you do or have you done in these moments?

Id like to gradually meet people, make friends, community, relationship in this city as it's new and I'll be here for a year now. I'm not like lonely or in a rush to meet people though honestly so just naturally.

I'll cut a long story short but I have had "extreme CPTSD" as I've heard from the professionals.

Started around 14 years old, grew up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic/addict home, poor, neglect/abuse which led to a lot of pain surrounding all of this. I've never had a real adult figure in my life to raise me from these years. This leads to a sh*tshow of an entry to your 20s. Very troubled and lost. Acting from this place of survival. Deep survival. Masking. People pleasing/fawning as it kept the adults happy. This led to becoming mute at school, getting bullied, not knowing how to stick up for myself. Ruin self image, esteem, confidence etc.

Now I'm in my 30s. Come a LONG way. I'm in a whole new country compared to where it all took place and got professional help. I'm grateful to be where I am but I still struggle daily with emotional flashbacks pretty much all the time.

One thing that's helping me loosen its grip is the thought "This is a FEELING not a BELIEF"

I realise that the feeling pops up constantly. In the nervous system kind of thing. All the time at home by myself, all the time outside when I get out the front door. Now when this feeling comes up it then triggers a bunch of thoughts I ruminate over. All the abuse. People that have done me very wrong and so on. Even if I don't exactly THINK of these things I FEEL it all and it leads to the BELIEF that something is VERY wrong with me. Like I'm worth nothing. Bottom of the shoe. The feeling is the inner critic and anything negative that's ever happened to me and within a second the BELIEF confirms yes this is who I am so I still have a bad self image.

Long story short I've lost my AGENY/character/identity almost, I can be mute still, not speak up, in fear of having the spotlight, what will be said to me. I've had so many experiences it goes wrong. Yet I know deep down I'm a good human, I've done so much in the world and have looked out for others/helped those in need without ever telling anyone. I love to create/it's my career. A bunch of positive things basically that get overwritten by the negative.

Not fancy cars and first class tickets. Doesn't feel like a crazy amount.

I make somewhere between 20,000 - 30,000USD in recent years from music.

Mostly comes from royalties, selling beats online, some sample packs, any syncs I randomly get.

I'm pushing but I'm thinking ahead. I'd like to get a home one day and have a family.

I'm either thinking to go somewhere else and work or pivot in music. I want to stay in music but can't tell if it's a situation of sunken cost fallacy where I'll keep going down.

What makes me think these things? AI in music taking over. Streaming is so fake. Like everyone talks about monthly listeners. You can be at 100 listeners. Get signed with management/label who give you an advance, they want to make the money back, they have connects at Spotify and boom you're in 3 editorial playlists. Monthly listeners are now 200,000. These kind of things just feel meh to me.

But then again, games the game.

Not sure what to do! I wouldn't mind something stable though. Or getting into sync work.

It's hard to explain it all so I'll try keep a long story short.

Deep CPTSD formed through my childhood/20s. I'm no contact with family and even past life as it was filled with manipulating, bullying, gaslighting, abuse, jealousy etc.

I'm now in 30s doing a lot better.

I work for myself online, live in a foreign hot country, roof over my head, food in fridge, I create for a living and people resonate with it.

Yet I hold this shame within.

Shame leads my days still.

My outerworld is good enough but I have this constant buzz of shame in the background. It makes me think of all these abusers from my past and the things they've said and that it is all true. Which then makes me subconciously act from that place.

I'm in therapy.

Any ideas?

Someone said to post in this subreddit. I'm new to IFS.

Growing up in a dangerous home meant no safety outside of it either. I was a sweet kid who had no idea how to defend himself from being ridiculed, bullied, and pushed down , by family and by people outside too.

Now I'm 30. ACA, EMDR, schema therapy , I've come a long way and I know it. But here's where I'm stuck:

Awareness isn't shifting the belief. How do I get it to land?

The wound runs deep , feeling like something is inherently wrong with me, like I'm never enough. It shows up as a constant background buzz. Bracing to be ridiculed. Constantly proving myself. Can't fully relax. Success feels good then disappears overnight. I still think about the people who bullied me and feel like they won somehow , like they only know that version of me, and I want to rise above it.

I can list the evidence that I'm enough. I got myself out of a horrible environment with zero adult help, as a kid. I built a small online business that lets me live abroad and start fresh. People genuinely connect with and admire my work. I look after my mind, body, and soul.

So why doesn't it stick?

That's the part I'm working through now. The emotion comes up, I notice it, I name it , but the old belief still feels stronger than all the evidence combined.

Anyone else been here? What actually moved the needle for you?

TL;DR , Deep CPTSD wound around not being enough. Doing the work, have the awareness, can even list real evidence of growth. But the belief won't internalise. Looking for what actually helped people shift this at a deeper level, not just intellectually.

Say if you want to start building a little world. A audience.

You are the brand, your life, small moments, your skill, your thoughts/mindset, health etc.

To do short form to begin with to capture short little movies or moments to reel people in a little bit

Then from there can expand to long form on YouTube for example here or even writing on Twitter/Substack etc.

But to begin with IG/TikTok short form.

Say if you want to start building a little world. A audience.

You are the brand, your life, small moments, your skill, your thoughts/mindset, health etc.

To do short form to begin with to capture short little movies or moments to reel people in a little bit

Then from there can expand to long form on YouTube for example here or even writing on Twitter/Substack etc.

But to begin with IG/TikTok short form.

TLDR: if you were starting at 0 followers as a music artist today, music already good, would you just go hard on content to get your name out there?

my story:

been in the industry about 10 years, mostly anonymous on the producer side.

dj (college) > producer (found some financial success) > tour managed a bit > film/visual work > sync > sell beats

still living off that stuff at a small scale. based in latin america so the income stretches.

thinking of making a new alias to just express myself however i want musically. but at 0 followers i'm wondering if i need to go hard on social first. build its own world.

i could go in with the angle of "made multi six figs independently, never signed, synced with hbo, adidas, sony etc" / completely different to how i've lived my life lol, feels arrogant, but from a short form scroll-stopping perspective it makes sense.

goals are composing a full film score and getting into studio sessions in the US with people i've already spoken to online. so there's a journey/pursuit story there too. major artist placements would be great.

not trying to blow up on spotify either . i've had 300k+ monthly listeners before, it's hard to get and the money isn't there. what i actually want is social traction, maybe sponsorships from brands like ableton, selling a digital product, something like that. build something people want to support.

i'm not sitting in front of a camera talking to it directly, too far for me. but cinematic style with voiceover, yeah.

probably start tiktok/ig shorts, build the world, then move to youtube. not trying to be a tutorial channel though.

TLDR: if you were starting at 0 followers as a music artist today, music already good, would you just go hard on content to get your name out there?

my story:

been in the industry about 10 years, mostly anonymous on the producer side.

dj (college) > producer (found some financial success) > tour managed a bit > film/visual work > sync > sell beats

still living off that stuff at a small scale. based in latin america so the income stretches.

thinking of making a new alias to just express myself however i want musically. but at 0 followers i'm wondering if i need to go hard on social first. build its own world.

i could go in with the angle of "made multi six figs independently, never signed, synced with hbo, adidas, sony etc" / completely different to how i've lived my life lol, feels arrogant, but from a short form scroll-stopping perspective it makes sense.

goals are composing a full film score and getting into studio sessions in the US with people i've already spoken to online. so there's a journey/pursuit story there too. major artist placements would be great.

not trying to blow up on spotify either . i've had 300k+ monthly listeners before, it's hard to get and the money isn't there. what i actually want is social traction, maybe sponsorships from brands like ableton, selling a digital product, something like that. build something people want to support.

i'm not sitting in front of a camera talking to it directly, too far for me. but cinematic style with voiceover, yeah.

probably start tiktok/ig shorts, build the world, then move to youtube. not trying to be a tutorial channel though.

TLDR: if you were starting at 0 followers as a music artist today, music already good, would you just go hard on content to get your name out there?

my story:

been in the industry about 10 years, mostly anonymous on the producer side.

dj (college) > producer (found some financial success) > tour managed a bit > film/visual work > sync > sell beats

still living off that stuff at a small scale. based in latin america so the income stretches.

thinking of making a new alias to just express myself however i want musically. but at 0 followers i'm wondering if i need to go hard on social first. build its own world.

i could go in with the angle of "made multi six figs independently, never signed, synced with hbo, adidas, sony etc" / completely different to how i've lived my life lol, feels arrogant, but from a short form scroll-stopping perspective it makes sense.

goals are composing a full film score and getting into studio sessions in the US with people i've already spoken to online. so there's a journey/pursuit story there too. major artist placements would be great.

not trying to blow up on spotify either . i've had 300k+ monthly listeners before, it's hard to get and the money isn't there. what i actually want is social traction, maybe sponsorships from brands like ableton, selling a digital product, something like that. build something people want to support.

i'm not sitting in front of a camera talking to it directly, too far for me. but cinematic style with voiceover, yeah.

probably start tiktok/ig shorts, build the world, then move to youtube. not trying to be a tutorial channel though.

I'd rather not wait for Amazon but what I find in the supermarkets and even office depot aren't exactly what I'm after. Any good shops for note pads? I like A5 dotted.