u/Cheap_Door1323

Me (26m) and her (24f) first started in December 2024, but we were fwb for about 4-5 months before that, but I explained to her that I do not want anything more than that and I was very honest with her from the start. sometimes too honest. After months she cut me off because I was too nonchalant, she wanted a boyfriend, I didn’t wan her yada yada. At first I didn’t care I was like whatever, but as a few days when on, I realized I might like her. And that doesn’t happen.

So I reached back out to her and told her I might have feelings an would like to try to be more than just fwb if she was interested in trying (which she was trying to get me to do for months). So she agreed. Things were great at the start, we hung out all the time. My birthday was a couple weeks after had asked her to be my girlfriend and we were official. so we all went out that night. We had a mutual friend that she knew and hadn’t seen in a while so she kinda just clung to her the entire night. Everything was fine until we got left. Then on the ride home just us two she’s getting spam called by an unsaved number multiple times. I acted like I brushed it off, but obviously took note. A week later, ended up going through her phone, and that’s when everything went downhill.

Fast forward, throughout our year relationship, we were very toxic. No physical abuse, but emotional abuse on both sides. She was doing things she knew was wrong, then I did something out of spite after. It was a never ending cycle. So we never trusted each other, never healed from the damage we caused each other either. We just got in a big fight then makeup the next day and act like it never happened.

At the end, we had a very big fight and caused a scene between our family’s and it was just a big mess. We went no contact for 4 months after. I was devastated. I had a lot of other family/life stuff going on so everything happened at once just kind of kicked my ass.

About a month ago, I reached out to get some closure because neither of us got any. She didn’t even entertain the idea. She didn’t care at all, was completely cold. That broke me.

A week later she reached out to get some comfort regarding a family emergency. I obviously comforted her. From then on, we kept talking more gradually. I was asking how’s she’s been, why she’s been up to, yada yada. A week later she tells me she wants to work on things again, but I started to notice weird patterns In her I never saw.

Long story short, she was hooking up with someone a month after our breakup (Jan) until the week before she reached out which was in April. And it turns out he was the one who cut it off. On top of that, a week later she saw him out with a new girl and cried about him to me. Never in my life have I ever had that happen. Didn’t know why to do in that moment but obviously I gotta just leave it alone now. So I tried to give her space, said you need time to heal for yourself, blah blah. She pleaded that it was nothing. It was only sex (like that makes it any better) she only cared about the fact that he didn’t choose her like I did to her and yada yada manipulative bullshit. She begged and begged and I obviously still loved her so I was there for her to cheer her up and motivating her to focus on herself. I was very closed off. Short, direct, and emotionally unavailable after that. And she pointed it out after a week and said why try and get her back then do this. I told her I can’t afford to go through another depressive episode because I’m in sales and my job is performance based and it’s hard to sell when you’re depressed. So with bills coming up, I shielded myself from getting emotionally involved again.

She said she wants me back for sure, she wants to work on things, she promised to not hurt me, cool. So I started opening up more. It was hard healing and trying to be there for one another. But she expressed everything she needed and I gave it to her. Everything. I pushed all my feelings and hurt to the side so that we can be better and stronger together and finally build a life we wanted together.

Two weeks later, she meets with her therapist and decides she needs to be alone because she doesn’t know how to be alone (she had 4 boyfriends before me that were all consecutive within the year of each other). Just as I was opening up, of course this happens. But I wasn’t even surprised. And honestly, this is what I wanted for her. She does need to heal from everything and learn how to be independent and focus on herself life, career, and everything in general. She is very insecure and does not love herself. Hence why she kept seeking outside validation from relationships and just men in general.

I’m very supportive of this. Without a doubt I want her to reach the potential I see in her. But here’s the thing: she still wants to be in contact with me. She said she wants to talk occasionally, not often, no sex, no hanging out, just check ups. So basically she just wants to have me there for emotional support for when she’s either lonely or needs something. Which is fine, I understand her more than some of her best friends and she’s even told me that. But, I just don’t know what I want.

Part of me wants to be there for her. Support her, care for her, be a shoulder to lean on when she needs it. But I’m scared she won’t actually take the time to work on herself and not get with anyone else. I’m almost 95% sure that by the end of the summer if we don’t either get back together or start to work on us, then she will find someone else. And I don’t know what to do. Because I have seen a change in her, but not enough to trust what she says. And I can’t be the guy she benches while she looks for her star players. She hasn’t told me that maybe when she’s ready, nothing. So idk what to do.

There’s a lot more to this story that I didn’t get into. I want to make note that I did do some things that were not okay and that I do deeply regret. But, the reasons for them it were because I was tired of trying to teach someone who claimed they love me, how to treat me. So, I thought if she knew how it felt, she’d stop. Just made things worse, so now I know after a certain point of, I just have to leave and stop trying to change someone that doesn’t want to be better.

I know this was a long one, but please share your thoughts and if you guys need more clarity, I’d be more than happy to fill in the blanks. Thank you guys for your time.

Me (26m) and her (24f) first started in December 2024, but we were fwb for about 4-5 months before that, but I explained to her that I do not want anything more than that and I was very honest with her from the start. sometimes too honest. After months she cut me off because I was too nonchalant, she wanted a boyfriend, I didn’t wan her yada yada. At first I didn’t care I was like whatever, but as a few days when on, I realized I might like her. And that doesn’t happen.

So I reached back out to her and told her I might have feelings an would like to try to be more than just fwb if she was interested in trying (which she was trying to get me to do for months). So she agreed. Things were great at the start, we hung out all the time. My birthday was a couple weeks after had asked her to be my girlfriend and we were official. so we all went out that night. We had a mutual friend that she knew and hadn’t seen in a while so she kinda just clung to her the entire night. Everything was fine until we got left. Then on the ride home just us two she’s getting spam called by an unsaved number multiple times. I acted like I brushed it off, but obviously took note. A week later, ended up going through her phone, and that’s when everything went downhill.

Fast forward, throughout our year relationship, we were very toxic. No physical abuse, but emotional abuse on both sides. She was doing things she knew was wrong, then I did something out of spite after. It was a never ending cycle. So we never trusted each other, never healed from the damage we caused each other either. We just got in a big fight then makeup the next day and act like it never happened.

At the end, we had a very big fight and caused a scene between our family’s and it was just a big mess. We went no contact for 4 months after. I was devastated. I had a lot of other family/life stuff going on so everything happened at once just kind of kicked my ass.

About a month ago, I reached out to get some closure because neither of us got any. She didn’t even entertain the idea. She didn’t care at all, was completely cold. That broke me.

A week later she reached out to get some comfort regarding a family emergency. I obviously comforted her. From then on, we kept talking more gradually. I was asking how’s she’s been, why she’s been up to, yada yada. A week later she tells me she wants to work on things again, but I started to notice weird patterns In her I never saw.

Long story short, she was hooking up with someone a month after our breakup (Jan) until the week before she reached out which was in April. And it turns out he was the one who cut it off. On top of that, a week later she saw him out with a new girl and cried about him to me. Never in my life have I ever had that happen. Didn’t know why to do in that moment but obviously I gotta just leave it alone now. So I tried to give her space, said you need time to heal for yourself, blah blah. She pleaded that it was nothing. It was only sex (like that makes it any better) she only cared about the fact that he didn’t choose her like I did to her and yada yada manipulative bullshit. She begged and begged and I obviously still loved her so I was there for her to cheer her up and motivating her to focus on herself. I was very closed off. Short, direct, and emotionally unavailable after that. And she pointed it out after a week and said why try and get her back then do this. I told her I can’t afford to go through another depressive episode because I’m in sales and my job is performance based and it’s hard to sell when you’re depressed. So with bills coming up, I shielded myself from getting emotionally involved again.

She said she wants me back for sure, she wants to work on things, she promised to not hurt me, cool. So I started opening up more. It was hard healing and trying to be there for one another. But she expressed everything she needed and I gave it to her. Everything. I pushed all my feelings and hurt to the side so that we can be better and stronger together and finally build a life we wanted together.

Two weeks later, she meets with her therapist and decides she needs to be alone because she doesn’t know how to be alone (she had 4 boyfriends before me that were all consecutive within the year of each other). Just as I was opening up, of course this happens. But I wasn’t even surprised. And honestly, this is what I wanted for her. She does need to heal from everything and learn how to be independent and focus on herself life, career, and everything in general. She is very insecure and does not love herself. Hence why she kept seeking outside validation from relationships and just men in general.

I’m very supportive of this. Without a doubt I want her to reach the potential I see in her. But here’s the thing: she still wants to be in contact with me. She said she wants to talk occasionally, not often, no sex, no hanging out, just check ups. So basically she just wants to have me there for emotional support for when she’s either lonely or needs something. Which is fine, I understand her more than some of her best friends and she’s even told me that. But, I just don’t know what I want.

Part of me wants to be there for her. Support her, care for her, be a shoulder to lean on when she needs it. But I’m scared she won’t actually take the time to work on herself and not get with anyone else. I’m almost 95% sure that by the end of the summer if we don’t either get back together or start to work on us, then she will find someone else. And I don’t know what to do. Because I have seen a change in her, but not enough to trust what she says. And I can’t be the guy she benches while she looks for her star players. She hasn’t told me that maybe when she’s ready, nothing. So idk what to do.

There’s a lot more to this story that I didn’t get into. I want to make note that I did do some things that were not okay and that I do deeply regret. But, the reasons for them it were because I was tired of trying to teach someone who claimed they love me, how to treat me. So, I thought if she knew how it felt, she’d stop. Just made things worse, so now I know after a certain point of, I just have to leave and stop trying to change someone that doesn’t want to be better.

I know this was a long one, but please share your thoughts and if you guys need more clarity, I’d be more than happy to fill in the blanks. Thank you guys for your time.