Will to recover?
*TW- active ED mindset and conversation*
I’ve never posted here before, but I figured it might be a good place to start.
Over the last year, I’ve lost about 37% of my body weight. I’ve always been severely overweight growing up, so finally “locking in” and being able to lose the weight has been a cathartic feeling.
Shortly after I started losing, my therapist diagnosed me with atypical anorexia (which I’m obese, so I didn’t and still don’t understand), and I remember being so resentful and angry. It felt like my entire life everyone has told me to lose weight, and now I’m doing it wrong?
I have physical symptoms, of course, but they feel manageable to me and acceptable considering what I get in return. However, I know there isn’t a “goal weight” I’d ever be happy with. The constant weighing, body checking, monitoring, and counting has been exhausting but also energizing at the same time? The highs are euphoric, but the lows are incredibly low.
I guess my question is, those in recovery, what did it take for you to finally enter and take treatment seriously? What was the moment that it clicked for you that this was concerning?
When I think about my life I know I don’t want 20 years to pass and I’m still afraid of a piece of chocolate, but I still feel like because of my size I’m not worthy of the concern or the diagnosis in itself.